Loss To Devils Unofficially Eliminates Penguins From Stanley Cup Contention, And Our First Ever 'F.O.T.N.'
Don't show me the standings. Don't try to tell me how deep they are. Don't tell me that it's impossible for a team to 'show up' to every single one of their 82 games. The Penguins are pretenders, and nothing you can say to me can prove otherwise. Hyperbole? Maybe. Regardless, the roster the Penguins iced tonight is a roster schooled in the art of faggotry. I'm not talking about their sexuality. I am talking about them being soft. Soft, cheap, and to spare no insult, quite frankly they are a bunch of pussies. They got beat up, down, across, and into the ice, by a team that is not known for their physicality. You want proof to my point? Look no further then the 'toughest' and most finesse players on their team. Bortozzo got rag dolled not once, but twice, by Tootoo, a man that has to look up like a midget in the front row of a movie theatre just to make eye contact with him. Crosby left no stick un-slashed and no tear un-cried. Their talent means next to nothing when the going gets tough and the games get gritty. If you can't beat the first team in history to have three head coaches, you certainly won't beat the best the NHL has to offer when winning requires actual, tangible toughness.
Enough about the most fraudulent roster, and fan base, in sports. Tonight, the Devils showed up. They played hard. They played smart. They created. They forced the play on a far superior team at times. They weathered the storm at others. Schneider was solid. Larsson was steady. Jagr flashed the talent that still remains in those 42 year old legs. Zajac scored a fucking goal, for once, and was a force on both ends of the ice. The team had jump and will, something they have lacked for most of the season. Last, but not least, this team finished strong. Maybe not on consecutive breakaways late in the third, but they didn't give the Penguins an inch. Especially in the closing minutes that have long ailed this team.
Jordin Tootoo can stay on this team as long as we plan to suck. The guy has personality on and off the ice. Say what you want about his talent, but the guy certainly wants it more than others on the rink. His fights against Bortuzzo gave a lift to this team tonight, no matter what those that want it banned from the sport have to say. One of the main reasons the Devils won tonight was that they took it to Pittsburgh physically. That was punctuated with two fights in which Tootoo took Bortuzzo to the woodshed and whipped him like the submissive little Sally he is.
Damn, that felt good. Maybe not orgasmic, but I'm not saying a little something didn't come out when the final buzzer rang. Sure, we still suck, but if they want to give me a win like that every now and again I can get on board with this ragtag group. Whether it be the influence of a new coaching staff, or an extra incentive from a cheap shot to Jagr the last time these two teams faced off, this was a different Devils team tonight. Win or lose, if this team plays that brand of hockey they will have my respect, despite the number next to them in the standings. Then again, we don't play mentally and physically weak teams like the Penguins every day, but a man can dream.
Introducing our first ever….
Fairy Of The Night
This, of course, excludes those donning white, black, and yellow jerseys both on and off the ice. That makes this a bigger upset than the game itself. I don't think you need to throw back a bunch of beers to enjoy a hockey game. Hell, you don't need to have one for all I care. You want to be straight edge, go ahead and be fucking straight edge. I drink at games because I prefer my sports with some hops, some barley, and a nice little buzz. I respect all those that actual show up and pay to watch the team I love, even if most are ill informed on what's actually taking place. However, don't try to rub your sobriety in our face by throwing it on the back of your XXXL jersey. Did this kid just eat 8 meals a day until he was big enough to own a jersey that fit 'STRAIGHTEDGE' on the back? How does one even get that big without drinking? Must have replaced the beer in his diet with Crisco and stuffed crust pizzas. Either way, fuck you guy. You think you are better than me because you abstain from alcohol and drugs? I would say you abstain from sex too, but that would assume that you had any say in the matter. This is like wearing Crossfit brand clothing or wearing a 'Say No To Gluten' shirt, except a billion times worse. The $200 you spent on that jersey is going to seem like a pretty poor purchase when you realize how awful your life is and go waddling back to the bottom of the bottle. Almost impressive that a person that hasn't seen his penis since the Clinton administration could go more than five minutes without a bottle to his mouth. Although, he's probably also five minutes from guzzling bleach.
Unless of course this jersey is supposed to be ironic in some way….which makes him the worst kind of human being on Earth. Why, why couldn't this kid be in a Penguins jersey?
P.S. I can't wait until Sidney Crosby gets the the strand of mumps that never go away. Never has anyone so blatantly personified a 'mump'. His talent between the whistles is to be marveled at. No one can take that away from him. His goal tonight was a a thing of beauty. If you can't tip your hat to a guy on a play like that then you are the very definition of a hater. However, he's still a whiney little twat. For a guy blessed with incredible physical prowess, he seeps out an aura of vaginal secretion after the play. It's amazing he doesn't slip in it more often. Maybe that's why he falls every time he's touched. It was no more evident then his crosscheck to Henrique after he netted the all important insurance goal.