Matt Garza (MLB Pitcher And Patriarch Of A Partridge-Esque Family) Is Not A Big Fan Of Recreational Sex

Uproxx- Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Matt Garza would really like it if women stopped using their vaginas for non-reproductive sex. In case you haven’t noticed, our new President and Paul Ryan would like to repeal the Affordable Care Act while defunding Planned Parenthood, which would result in people not being able to afford or access things like birth control.

Garza’s worldview probably stems from having his first of six children when he was 18 years old. He even spoke on a panel about teen pregnancy in 2009 with Hayden Panettiere and Bristol Palin. But he’s not endorsing abstinence among people that aren’t old enough to vote; he’s quote tweeting Jessica Chastain and lecturing about abstinence as it pertains to health insurance and women in the workplace. There’s a real “For Kids Only” vibe from Garza when it comes to sex.



I suppose I'm not an authority on the matter since I haven't spent the last 15 years spying on Matt Garza from his marital closet and documenting the conclusion of each and every one of his sexual encounters with his wife. That said, I have no choice but to presume that the previous tweet was authored by a man that hasn't gotten laid since the first time he installed a crib. Don't get me wrong. His home needing a 'No Vacancy' sign is proof positive that he's had sex since starting a family, but he'll be damned to the depths of hell if he ever truly enjoyed anything other than unprotected, result oriented missionary. 

Seriously, is there any reason - other than pure, vindictive jealousy - that you can think of for someone to be so dead-set against easily attainable birth control that they would rather have asshole millennials becoming shitty parents to unwanted children every time their completely natural, animalistic desires got the better of them? As far as I am concerned, this is just a case of misery being in desperate need of company, because there is no one more miserable than the guy that hasn't shot a load without worrying about supporting it financially for the following 18 years. 

I actually pity Matt Garza. Of course he's out of touch. It's been since high school that the fucking guy hasn't been able to fully appreciate the warm caress of a woman without concerning himself with how the inevitable insemination process was going to lead to nine months of satisfying his moody significant other's irrational cravings. Can you imagine if the fertilization of one egg during your youth put an abrupt, premature end to the sowing of your wild oats? You'd probably be supporting out-of-touch conservative politicians and hoping that everyone else was burdened by dry dicks or wet diapers too. His stance is so insanely idiotic that even a Bible thumper would respond with "Jesus fucking Christ dude..", but don't you think you'd be a little bit crazy if you had more children than sexual partners at the age of 33? Juat sayin'...