My Favorite Part Of This JPP Story Is The Ridiculous Amount Of Uncertainty Surrounding It
Yeah, it is probably fucked up to have a 'favorite part' to a story about a professional athlete losing his hand, I realize that. However, I am not going to sit here and act like I get no joy whatsoever from a man that hasn't signed his qualifying offer to be franchise tagged blowing his hand off while lighting fireworks. When you are a simple signature away from a lifetime of financial security and forget how a fuse works then you kind of get what's coming to you. Even if what is coming to you is an unparalleled amount of sarcasm and scrutiny at the hands of the internet. C'mon JPP, I think you have made enough money by now to have someone light your fireworks for you. If my net worth hit 7 figures I wouldn't even light a stove ever again, never mind a bunch of volatile explosives. You can still get credit for showing up with enough fireworks to make Katy Perry blush without putting yourself at risk of putting one hand on deck.
I guess my biggest question here is how the hell, in 2015, are we still trying to figure out if JPP has one club hand now? This isn't like debating whether or not Magic Johnson had HIV. This is a physical attribute. Either the hand is there or it's not. What are they hiding this guy in a hospital basement somewhere? Rip the bandaid off for Christ sake. You got optimists out there thinking that JPP's hand looks like he grabbed a cookie tray without an oven mitt on, and pessimists thinking he's got less arms than the Palestinian national guard. The uncertainty is killing me. The longer this drags on the longer he is going to face ungodly amounts of criticism. Not that JPP defying every reprimand everyone's parents ever gave them about fireworks will ever not be worth a laugh. But at least if we know he legitimately lost a hand then some people will start to feel bad about the jokes. A lot easier to make fun of the theoretical one handed guy until you see him with one hand. That's when shit stops being funny and starts getting real, mad real.
We may all owe JPP an apology when it's revealed that he is mentally retarded, because that's the only thing that can explain this video. Only thing scarier than JPP with a van full of explosives is JPP being responsible for the health of a child...
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