Jezebel- Gentlemen, gaze upon your crotch’s deliverance. A team of Washington, D.C. fashion designers has launched an Indiegogo campaign for their new product, Bloxers, a special variety of boxer that will shield your raging boner from view. That’s right: you can pitch a tent at work and proceed with your board meeting, happy, perhaps uncomfortably horny, but above all, protected.
Each pair of Bloxers contains a “deflector shield” that covers the crotch and thus conceals the inconvenient erection. But of course, each boner is its own anatomical snowflake, and this team is prepared to meet your particular needs. From Complex:
“Available in small, medium, and large, Bloxers offer three versions of the design to accommodate different guys. There’s a shield designed for those who swing to the left, one for those who swing to the right, and another for those somewhere in between.”
On the surface it seems like a good idea to create a pair of underwear that makes it more convenient for men to get accidentally aroused in public without causing a scene. I guess that's my problem with it. It's too convenient. Hell, being a man, and thus being relatively carefree in comparison to our female counterparts is already convenient enough. Women have to involuntarily bleed out for one week a month, and all men have to do is avoid unsightly boners in the workplace. Part of being a man is averting such a crisis. It's one of the occupational hazards that comes as a result of being born with a penis. It keeps life interesting. It keeps things exciting. We are men. We may hide our boners, but we don't block them. We don't start slipping sheets of plastic into our under garments. I'm not so ashamed of my manhood that I feel the need to completely shield him from the world at all times. Anything that can't be veiled by a pair of boxer briefs or a well placed tuck job is just too natural to go unseen.
Correct me if I am wrong, but pretty much the most important aspect of boxers is comfortability, right? You know what's not comfortable? Having one side of my genital region made of a completely different material than the other side. Giving my erection no options is not comfortable. Look at these things. Do these guys even have penises? The wasted a 1/3 of their inventory on right hanging dicks. Those aren't even a thing. I don't care if you put the materials used to built spaceships in a pair of drawers, no self respecting man is hanging to the right, whether a bunch of English wankers like it or not. How many boners could a grown man be popping in public that he feels the need to reinvent the wheel? Hey dude, maybe pull the trigger before the commute to work. Maybe stop spending your entire life walking around with a loaded gun and you won't have to constantly worry about pitching a tent. We all deal with the occasional untimely hard-on, but they certainly aren't common enough for me to replace my usually rotation of boxers. What about scenarios where I don't mind having a stiffy? I'm just supposed to grind up on a girl at the work happy hour feeling like I have the lower body of a Ken doll? Nothing sexier than telling a girl you have to change before you hit the dance floor. Nothing hotter than stripping down to your skivvies and without a bulge in sight. Why don't we just castrate the entire male population if it is so frowned upon to have a penis is public? This is like one step above tucking it between your legs.
P.S. If Devinci is a genius for putting a leaf over his dick then I am basically a rocket scientist for slipping it into my waistband.