Now Introducing The World's Dumbest Invention: The Condom Machine That Only Dispenses TO Sober People

Metro- Here’s an alarming fact that’ll wake you up this morning: More than a third of singles admit that they weren’t sober when sleeping with someone for the first time. Enter the world’s first breathalyser-activated condom machine.

The initiative, backed by March, follows research which revealed that the average date involves three drinks for Dutch courage, with three quarters of active daters saying that alcohol makes it easier to date. The machine works by taking a reading after a customer blows onto a panel.

It then gives you a rating from teetotal to game over. Condoms will no dispense if you’ve had too many.

- 52 per cent of singles don’t think they could have the confidence to approach someone if they are sober

- 38 per cent don’t have the confidence to get naked in the bedroom without having booze beforehand

-Four in ten (42 percent) recent sexual experiences have taken place under the influence

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This machine might as well be called "the unwanted pregnancy machine", or the "morning after pill machine" because it is going to be responsible for more aborted babies than acts of sober, consensual sex. You know what breathalyzer condom machines do? They stop people from using condoms. They don't stop people from drinking, and they definitely don't stop people from fucking. Seriously, you think some jackass in a bar is limiting his alcohol intake so that he can get a condom, or do you think he is increasing his alcohol intake so he can justify not using one? 'Johnny Be Good' my ass. Johnny be the father if he's depending on this useless wall mount to keep him safe.

Are these stats alarming to you? I know they are alarming to me. Maybe it's personal bias, but they seem farrrrr too low. Who has sober sex? No seriously, I'm asking. 42% of recent sexual experiences happened without booze? FORTY TWO!?! Who knew the Mormon population was so big? I could probably count on one hand the amount of times I wasn't under the influence when first having sex with someone. If you include the morning after when that BAC is still on the up and up then I'm probably counting on a fist. There's literally no reason to first sleep with someone completely sober. People get more interesting after a couple cocktails. People get more attractive after a couple cocktails. People get better in the sac after a couple cocktails. Failing to fuel up is essentially doing a disservice to your sex life, and the sex life of the poor girl that's about to be extremely disappointed. If 42% of sexual experiences happen sober then at least 38% of those sexual experiences are terribly awkward and the other 4% occur between porn stars. I'm not saying you can't have good sex without compromising your liver, but I am saying you can't have good initial sex without compromising your liver. Sounds like the quickest way to making a bad first impression if you ask me. Who comes out the gate putting their worst foot forward? You got to get that good inaugural nut out of the way so you can trick her into coming back for more. Make sure she likes you first before you start penetrating without PED's. Every couple is going to end up having sober, lazy, mediocre sex at some point, but if that point is first contact then it's never even going to have the opportunity to blossom into relationship. 


P.S. I suppose you could just get a condom upon walking in a bar and save it for when you are wasted, but that requires foresight, and this is men we are talking about.