PETA Sending Warren Sapp Some Vegan Lobster After His Shark Bite Proves There's No Shame In Their Game
We heard about your interception of a defensive shark’s lobster dinner, so we wanted to pass along some delicious cruelty-free vegan lobster in the hope that it’s a winner with you and yours. We don’t want you running back to the water until you’ve tasted it—sharks work as a team to obtain food, so unwanted competition may be awaiting you. Despite that nasty bite, it’s humans who rank as the deadliest predator of all. We hope you look after yourself, so we invite you to tackle any health problems with vegan foods and to be a champion of lobsters. All your fans at PETA are wishing you a speedy recovery.
Andrew Bernstein and the PETA Team
Let's get this out of the way really quick. Everything about this letter says everything you need to know about the organization that wrote it, and that's that they are absolutely insufferable. It honestly doesn't get any more nauseating than reading a note riff with as many forced puns as possible pushing a lifestyle that the intended recipient undoubtedly couldn't be less interested in. We are talking about a 300+ pound, former professional football player that has recently dipped his arm - albeit to bloody results - in the fishing game, and PETA is trying to trick him into learning about the "dangers" of his new hobby by sending him fake lobster meat? They could have achieved the same amount of awareness for their cause if they stepped on their trash can pedal and sent the contents of that bag on their merry way to the nearest land fill. Just not even the most remote possibility that this little personalized brochure and a couple servings of rubber seafood were going to change anyone's mind - never mind that of Warren Sapp.
That's why I think - despite how much a loathe everything about them - that I actually have to respect PETA. They care more about the safety of animals than I care about making sure they are a hearty part of every single one of my meals, and that's saying a lot. They appreciate the livelihood of delicious, bottom feeding sea dinosaurs so much that took time out of their day to try to compromise with a man who probably ingests an entire herd of cattle each and every calendar year. It seems like PETA is the first on-scene after every semi-high profile incident involving a living creature that can't speak for itself. That's probably because they don't have anything better to do, but it doesn't make it any less tenacious. Their efforts may be futile. Their purpose may be fruitless. Their message may be self important. Their writing style may make Dr. Suess look like William Shakespeare. However, their persistence is praiseworthy...especially considering that they have basically just been running in place and making ZERO progress since their inception.
P.S. Yack city....