Phil Kessel Two Stepped All Over Team USA's Grave

Just sitting around the house tonight w my dog. Felt like I should be doing something important, but couldn't put my finger on it.

— Phil Kessel (@PKessel81) September 21, 2016

You know what the best part about this ruthlessly hilarious tweet is? The fact that is came from someone who really isn't all that funny. That's not meant to be a knock on Phil Kessel, but he has never been anything other than quirky and awkward. Sure, he became this lovable, mythical figure after a bitter old beat writer wrote some fictitious hit piece about his awe-inspiring hot dog intake, but his popularity really has almost nothing to do with his personality. On the other hand, it largely began ironically and at some point - during a surreal Stanley Cup Championship run - transformed into genuine respect for someone who somehow moves like the wind, but looks like he could benefit from it's help when sweating profusely through the back of his oversized t-shirt while walking the garbage out to the curb. The cult-like adoration he is the recipient of isn't a product of him being a super entertaining public figure. Phil Kessel's charm resides almost solely in his increasingly middle-aged appearance, which potentially means that we all have some daddy issues to address.

In essence what I am trying to say is that Team USA was so fucking bad that they opened themselves to getting roasted by a guy that can likely count the amount of jokes he makes per year on his sausage fingers. I mean, that tweet had the internet in stitches and it was really just a description of his Tuesday night with a sarcastic little twist at the end. John Tortorella and his coma-inducing brand of late-90's hockey produced such pathetic results that someone who is normally the punchline felt comfortable flipping the script with a one line fatality at the expense of the team that senselessly excluded him. Phil Kessel is undoubtedly not the wittiest dude at the party but he knows when to pick his spots, and no one was more exposed than a team whose talent evaluation was begging to be mocked. The United States bowed out so helplessly that you can't help but self deprecatingly laugh at their failures, and laugh - well - that is exactly what we are going to do...

Really glad I was born without legs. The US sled team has a much better track record of success than the US stand up men's team....

— Josh Pauls (@spudsusa27) September 21, 2016