Philip Rivers Celebrating His Contract Extension By Getting A Domino's Pizza Is All The Birth Control I Need
FTW- Philip Rivers signed a four-year contract extension with the Chargers worth a reported $65 million in guaranteed money. So how did he celebrate?
Oysters? Champagne? Steak?
Nope. Just a Domino’s pizza with pepperoni, jalapenos and black olives. “It was late,” he explained.
There you have it folks. Not even a 4 year, 84 million contract extension can save you from how simple the pleasures of life become when you start popping out children at the rate Philip Rivers has. A late night, shitty pizza, with a strange combination of toppings, from a chain restaurant may seem like a pretty lame way to celebrate for the average person. However, for someone that probably hasn't had the ability to order his own choice of toppings for the last decade, it's basically Christmas and his birthday wrapped into one. I bet he even washed it down with a beer that essentially counts as his St. Patrick's Day. If his wife stayed up late to let him finish he probably snuck in some underwhelming pregnancy sex that counts for his anniversary too. Might as well sneak in a freebie now since he can't risk another child already being the odd man out if he splits a single large pie with this family.
Regardless, there is no way Philip Rivers ever gets away with a pepperoni, jalapeño, and black olive pizza with seven kids in the house and a eighth on the way. He's probably lucky if he even gets to finish a slice of cheese start to finish without being interrupted with a diaper full of shit or a mess in the kitchen that needs to be cleaned up. He probably enjoyed that low quality, encrusted cardboard pie more than any sober meal I have ever had. Being a parent basically means that you never get to be selfish with your food selection ever again. That's only exacerbated by putting a touchdown's (plus the two point conversion) worth of whining, crying brats in your wife's stomach. Poor guy hardly ever gets to eat his favorite kind of pizza, and when he does it's made by some half stoned asshole working the late shift at Domino's. That is a life I do not envy. Well, other than the 84 million dollar extension that puts his career earnings well into 9 figures. Nine figures he'll probably need every cent of to raise his very own Brady Bunch. Until then I suppose we can let him enjoy his new contract on a full stomach, even if that stomach is bound to be upset by the inevitable culinary abortion that Rivers is about to undergo. I am glad Rivers is satisfied, but I would advise the childless to contemplate his relative satisfaction the next time they find pulling out in a time fashion to be cumbersome.
Look how happy he is....
Just wait until 4 years from now when he has to accept this offer because people with 8 kids never retire...