Redskins President Bruce Allen Was Unable To Ink Kirk Cousins To A Deal After Repeatedly Calling Him "Kurt"
...because what better way to talk your dorky starting quarterback into signing a long term deal that is well below his market value than by negging him into thinking he's less important than he is by repeatedly getting his government identification wrong? I'm not even being facetious. Literally denouncing Kirk Cousins by name doesn't seem like the worst idea if you're trying to get him to sign on a fairly insulting dotted line. Obviously it didn't work because most athletes have far too many money men on their side to get financially manipulated by the passive aggressive actions of tight wadded executives. However, if there were a professional athlete whose heart was vulnerable to games than Kirk Cousins certainly fits the profile.
That's why my biggest issue with Bruce Allen wasn't his decision - and don't let him tell you differently, it was a decision - to merely get one letter of his most important player's first name right. My biggest issue with Bruce Allen is that he went too far with it by doing so six goddamn times in two minutes. As anyone that has hit on a girl that is out of their league can attest, a timely backhanded compliment can work wonders. It's when those backhanded compliments start to pile up that their target begins to sense their intention. Subtlety is a fine art, and Bruce Allen was scribbling so far outside of the lines that it would lead one to believe that he were trolling. Slip in one "Kurt" and maybe it leaves the marginalized party thinking his name could easily be replaced by any other stereotypically white name that is attached to someone with an NFL arm. Slip in six "Kurts" and it becomes mighty easy to catch the Redskins President red-handed.