Remember Those Condoms You Bought From Groupon? Welcome To Fatherhood

Time- Groupon Australia is recalling Durex-branded condoms purchased on its website in the last month because it turns out they are counterfeit and thus may not safeguard users against pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections.

“It has been identified that the condoms sold are counterfeit goods and may have defects such as holes in the latex,” according to a warning on the Australian Department of Health’s Therapeutic Goods Administration.

The warning applies to condoms sold between March 12 and April 10, 2015 by Edgelounge Enterprises, and Groupon Australia is reaching out is reaching out to the customers who bought the products.

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You know what. I sincerely hope that everyone that bought defective condoms from Groupon has an unwanted pregnancy. Almost feel like that opener is going to come back and bite me in the ass, but I stand by it. You know why? Because people have to learn somehow. Unfortunately, for a lot of people it takes a shitting, puking, diabolic mess of a human in your care to learn, but you'll learn nonetheless. Sometimes that chid will help someone learn that they should stop drinking or doing drugs every night. Sometimes it will help them get serious professionally. And sometimes it will help them learn that some things aren't meant to be skimped on. Those things include alarm systems, brake pads, drugs, toilet paper, and most importantly, any and all forms of birth control. Pretty much anything that can kill you or make you want to die. I swear the same people that are buying economy size boxes of condoms on Groupon are the same motherfuckers that have one-ply toilet paper. The same assholes that show up to the grocery store with a chest full of coupons. The same people that refuse to split the check at dinner. Just penny pinching sons-of-bitches with no respect for themselves or society.

Is it really that hard to buy condoms? Think about all the work you put into a woman consenting to let you penetrate her. Doing it safely wasn't worth an extra $2 dollars and a drive down the block? I would fucking walk to the Trojan plant with bare feet for condoms if it meant their success rate was still 99.5%. If you are walking around with condoms that showed up on your doorstep you may as well use no condom, because it's very clear you're of the risk taking variety. When it comes to birth control I want to know my 3rd party. Manufacturer, retailer, me. That's the natural progression. You think Trojan is shipping off their best product to some glorified online dollar store? Fuck no. Condoms are expensive as shit these days, why do you think so many people have stopped using them? Know what else is expensive? Sports jerseys and Gucci bags. That's why everyone is so skeptical when they come across cheap versions of either. You get what you pay for and trust me on this. A box of fresh off the rack condoms a month is far less expensive than the life of another human being.