Saints' Cameron Jordan Under Investigation Because A Man Is Complaining He Slapped His Girlfriend's Ass In The Club

Sporting News- Saints defensive end Cameron Jordan is under investigation for an incident at a nightclub that occurred over the weekend, according to a report by New Orleans television station WWL.

WWL, citing sources, reported that the incident occurred at Republic nightclub late Saturday night or early Sunday morning. A man and his girlfriend filed a complaint Sunday morning concerning misdemeanor sexual battery. The couple allege Jordan swatted the woman on her backside and then had a minor scuffle with her boyfriend.



There it is! It just wouldn't be game week unless we had a player in legal trouble. Scratch that. It just wouldn't be game week unless we had a player in "legal trouble". There we go, much better. I can't, in my heart of hearts, sit here and act like a guy giving a girl in the club a little pat on the butt is some sort of big deal. Is Cameron Jordan right for touching vulnerable strangers without consent? No, but let's just say that a full blown investigation is a tad bit excessive. Especially considering the fact that it's football season. Players aren't grabbing asses for sexual gratification. They are letting people know when they are doing a good job. I don't know what this dude's girlfriend was doing on the dance floor, but I think it's safe to say that she was doing it well. Trust me. Cameron Jordan has got an eye for talent, and if he is going out of his way to slap your girlfriend's ass then he is simply doing it to let her know that he appreciates her effort. All this tells me about Cameron Jordan is that he's in midseason form. The dude has got his mitts working overtime to make sure once this Sunday comes around that there won't be a single hustle play that goes unrewarded. 

I think what makes me most mad about this situation is that it's the guy that's turning this into an entire production. Hey bro, a professional athlete acknowledging your girlfriend's looks is a compliment. Not that you ever want another man laying a hand on your significant other, but if another man were to do it then it might as well be a lovable defensive end worth $60 million dollars. If I were this guy my shoulders would have broadened, my voice would have deepened, and my dick would have grown at least three inches. Hell, that's probably the biggest ego boost that his girlfriend has ever indirectly given him. The dude that just got himself a handful of your girl's keister? He can fuck ANYONE and YOUR girlfriend caught his eye. If he starts trying to bring her back to the VIP area then you have an argument, but until then be a man, and laugh off a little game of grab ass. 

Since I don't have a girlfriend I may not have a leg to stand on here, but my first reaction would have been to buy Cameron Jordan a beer, get a picture with him, and wish him luck on the upcoming season. It's the first week of September, I've got to look out for the well being of my football team over my hypothetical girlfriend's dignity. If I had to choose between putting up with a whiny cunt for a week, or my team's best pass rusher putting up with a week's worth of media scrutiny then I am just going to have to fall on that grenade. That might make me a bad boyfriend, but it makes me a selfless, loyal football fan. Granted, it would probably make me a single, selfless, loyal football fan, but if the alternative is starting the season 0-1 then that's just a cross I'll have to bear. What's the best thing a girlfriend has ever offered up anyway? Love? A warm vagina on a cold winter night? Thanks, but no thanks. I'll take the slim chance of Cameron Jordan breaking the single season sack record en route to a Super Bowl victory all because my (now ex-) girlfriend unintentionally inspired him by twerking her tits off on Labor Day Weekend. 

The biggest crime in all of this is that there is a some guy in New Orleans that doesn't realize that nothing other than Saints football matters right now. Not him. Not his girlfriend. Not even his girlfriend's undoubtedly fat ass. It's game week. You're either a part of the Who Dat Nation, or you and your relationship are completely irrelevant, hopefully until early February.