Shockingly, The Man Who Stole Chad Johnson's Identity In An Attempt To Spend 18K At Louis Vuitton Got Caught

AspenTimes- Mervin Cabe of Miami told employees at the high-end luxury goods store that he was Chad Johnson — who is formerly known as Chad Ochocinco — in order to be able to make the purchase. Customers at Louis Vuitton must have a "profile ID" in order for their transactions to go through, according to an affidavit filed in Pitkin County District Court. 

Cabe could not come up with the matching phone number to Chad Johnson's profile ID, though an employee did allow him to purchase $18,548 worth of items. Cabe initially tried to use a credit card that was twice declined to make the purchase, then pulled up an Apple Pay account on his cellphone, which worked, the affidavit states. 

Cabe also told Aspen police officers he was Chad Johnson, though he gave them a date of birth different from the former football player's, the affidavit states. He also declined to show them the Apple Pay account and credit card number he used to purchase the items. 

Officers described his behavior as "highly evasive" and said he "kept making excuses and repeating the same nonsensical story," according to the affidavit. 

Cabe was charged with identity theft and unauthorized use of a financial transaction device, both felonies.

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You know, I generally don't give credit to identity thieves that don't have the presence of mind to choose victims that aren't easily recognizable former professional athletes that look absolutely nothing like them. After all, if you told someone you could get away with walking into a high-end retail outlet dressed in a $10, printed-on tee-shirt and spending 5 figures of a universally known public figure's money then they would surely respond with "child please".

That said, if you are going to try to do so then you might as well target a guy whose name used to be a much brighter red flag. Everything is relative, and Chad Johnson as Chad Johnson is much more discrete than Chad Johnson as Chad Ochocinco. Not nearly as discrete as Rick Johnson the friendly neighborhood accountant or Mike Johnson the town dentist, but I can still see how Mervin Cabe thought he was catching the loudmouth, trash talk expert with a nac for electric catchphrases while he was at his most vulnerable.

Unfortunately, that level of vulnerability pales in comparison to the level of vulnerability of literally anyone that hasn't had their own reality show spinoff from a wildly successful NFL career. That's just a lesson that this frumpy, nervous, and unprepared crook surely will have learned after going over it in his head every day for the next 15-20 years.