Huffington Post- Police in northwestern Massachusetts offered an important reminder Monday night: Getting drunk and chasing bears through the woods with a dull hatchet is “strongly not advised.”
"Yes that really did happen tonight," the North Adams Police Department posted on Facebook.
"We certainly don’t need anyone going all Davy Crockett chasing it through the woods drunk with a dull hatchet," they added. "It is just a bad idea and not going to end well. It will however, certainly end you up in jail … which it did."
The police department wrote that the "hatchet man" was taken into protective custody due to his inebriation.
North Adams Police Sgt. James Burdick told MassLive that the bear was roaming a residential area near a school and the drunken man was trying to protect school children.
"He'd had a few too many to drink," Burdick said. "When the bear came out, he thought to protect the children it'd be a good idea to chase the bear with a dull hatchet."
Hey officer, I appreciate the sentiment. I really, really do. Sometimes we all have to be reminded of the rules and regulations of society, no matter how obscure they may be. However, telling me not to get drunk and chase a bear with a hatchet isn't going to do me all that much good at 11AM on a Wednesday. I'm not that much of a degenerate. You want to make a difference? Stop spreading that news to a bunch of sources that people will undoubtedly only read when they are sober, and put it on the back of a beer can or something. Hell, include temporary tattoos that say "DON'T CHASE BEARS" and include them in any and all purchases of alcohol. If you could just tell yourself not to do something when you were sober and then proceed to restrain yourself when you were drunk the getting shifted wouldn't be nearly as fun. Shit, I tell myself "just one" nearly half the times I end up wasted. That's not how inebriation works. Alcohol is the ultimate enabler. There's nothing I can't do after a few beers...except repeat the alphabet backwards. Don't treat me like I haven't seen the movie 'Hancock', even alcoholics can be heroes.
I actually appreciate this man's gumption. Execution may be lacking, but don't you dare tell me his heart wasn't in the right place. He could have been breaking anyone of his own personal rules. Could have been sitting there trying his damndest not to text his ex-girlfriend or order extra cheese on his pizza. Instead he sacrificed his whole 'don't chase bears' policy to save a bunch of school children. That's a cause admirable enough to have John McClane starting a slow clap.
P.S. If anyone needed protective custody it was Smokey The Bear. Beer muscles (and a hatchet) can overcome the strongest of men to the biggest of beast.
P.P.S. I would have hit him too...