Sydney Rice And Steve Weatherford Officially Decided To Donate Their Brains To Science

Huffington Post- Current New York Giants punter Steve Weatherford and former Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Sidney Rice announced Tuesday that they have decided to donate their brains to science in an effort to better understand the long-term cognitive effects of football.The two NFL champions made the announcement at a press conference in celebration of Brain Injury Awareness Month. 

“I know it may surprise some people that I’m donating my brain,” Weatherford wrote in a statement provided to The Huffington Post. “But it’s going to a great cause, and hopefully it’ll help everyone realize that they need to be healthy and take care of their brains like they need to take care of their bodies.”

I respect the hell out of people that give up their right to their brain, or their liver, or heart in the afterlife. With that said, I am far too much of a simpleton to sign off on it. Yeah, I know there isn’t a single organ that will be useful to me after I pass, but they are still MY organs. I treat the rights to my body after I am gone like the shirt that still hangs in my closet and hasn’t been worn in 10 years. The one that just gathers dust, but you refuse to give it to GoodWill because it’s YOUR crappy shirt. Well, my brain is MY crappy brain. My brain after I leave this earth is like the frozen pack of chicken that sits in the back of the freezer for years. Despite my lack of use for it, I don’t feel right giving it to people that need it far more than I do.  Maybe I am some kind of post mortem hoarder. Maybe I just don’t want scientists to realize that my brain is completely useless for anything other than sports knowledge and immature jokes. Can’t imagine my parents would be proud to find out the area of my brain for dick jokes was twice the size of the average human being. Anyway, it’s definitely commendable for Rice and Weatherford to give up the rights to their brains.

Science needs to get their hands on Sydney Rice’s brain ASAP. Although, I suppose for the time being they could throw a few strands of DNA in a bowl of applesauce and get the same results. I mean, the guy has gotten his bell rung more than the Vatican. It probably resembles the puff of white smoke that appears when a new Pope is chosen. The thing is fried beyond recognition. Taking a closer look at Rice’s brain could teach us a lot about concussion protocol. In fact, once he kicks the bucket I am instantly buying stock in Vortex and NERF. One look at that mangled cerebral cortex and Goodell will have them playing flag football in a padded room. Rice’s brain contains more law suits than an entire afternoon of daytime television. Wouldn’t be surprised if Sydney’s body goes missing hours after it’s  expiration. The NFL let’s anyone with two functional eyes and a C or better in biology within spitting distance of that thing and they compromise their entire net worth.

As good of an idea as it is for Sydney Rice to donate his brain to science, it is equally as pointless for Steve Weatherford to do so. It is widely known that Weatherford works out about 80% of the time he is awake. I’m pretty sure his brain is the only muscle that doesn’t get stimulated upwards of 1,000 times a day. All the guy does is kick footballs and lift heavy things. Can’t imagine his brain has much to offer. You could take his brain this very second and he would function just fine in his day to day life. Wouldn’t be surprised if he just wants the eternal satisfaction in knowing that scientists couldn’t even penetrate his muscle bound membrane. Sorry Steve, when science said they needed the organs of ex-football players, they weren’t talking about kickers, no matter how physically imposing they may be. This is probably just a desperate attempt to get his name spiraling throughout the inter webs. Some people sell their soul to the devil to attain the unattainable, while Steve Weatherford sells his brain to science to garner some notoriety. I actually respect the attempt. Positive publicity as a punter essentially is the unattainable. Nice try Steve, but what else is for sale? You know, besides your pride, dignity, and HGH prescription?

P.S. Don't tell him I said that....