Take My Eyes, But Not My Booze: The Devils Are 'The Boy That's Hard To Look At'
It's no secret that I don't need a reason to crack open a cold one. However, I still find comfort in the fact that between now and April the Devils will bless me with with 60 more nights where I must drink to avoid a brain aneurism. Much like a paycheck, sometime you just need to know where you next beer is coming from. All I need to do is check the Devils schedule and it is one less thing I have to stress about. Watching this team totally sober is like locking Lindsay Lohan in a padded cell with a heroine needle and enough prescriptions to kill a horse. If my only vice that keeps me from a suicide hotline is a beer or 6 then I am doing okay for myself.
Holy shit is this team boring. Watching the Devils is like watching a bad movie. Not a movie that is so bad that you have to keep watching. A bad movie that, if you even manage to stay awake through, will have you wandering the worldwide web at the 40 minute mark. They are essentially background noise. It's like part of my soul dies game by game. The Devils are bland. They are the hockey equivalent of unseasoned baked chicken and steamed vegetables. They are the steamed white rice of professional sports, and Cory Schneider is the sole packet of soy sauce that keeps it jusssssst interesting enough to indulge. Doesn't mean you hate yourself any less after. They are the MLB network during the baseball offseason. They are PBS. They are political radio. They are the Spanish channel with an all male cast. They have nothing going for them. If Kristen Stewart were a hockey team, she would be the Devils. I don't blame Schneider for bad goals because I am impressed that he is awake after watching us try to play offense. Watching the Devils is like taking three percosets and washing them down with a scotch on the rocks. I don't even feel feelings by the end of the game. I'm just a lifeless, detached, half buzzed shell of a human by the time the clocks strikes zero. The buzzer to signify the end of the game is a sign of a better day. A reason to smile. Hearing that buzzer is a proverbial lifesaver being thrown to me in the middle of the ocean, there to drag me away from this God forsaken team.
Hey, if we are going to keep doing this defensive infusion of youth can we just go all out? What do we have to lose? I want to see all 6 defensemen under the age of 24. You need veteran leadership you say? How does one define leadership? When Salvador, Greene, and Zidlicky haven't figuratively been putting pucks in our net, they have literally been putting pucks in our net. They actually make our young defensemen, that have a microscopic amount of experience on the professional level, look like seasoned vets. Zidlicky single handedly flushed last night's game down the toilet, and then when it started to creep back up, he gave it a courtesy flush. The Devils scored like 100 goals all of last season combined and this years team makes them look like the 80's Oilers.
A metaphor for the season. Cory Schneider taking one in the dick.
Oh well, at least prohibition is still over. Scripted play number one out of the Silver Linings Playbook.
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