The 49ers Stink So Bad That They Made John Lynch's Daughter Cry

LBS- Lynch told NFL Network’s Mike Silver how his 9-year-old daughter Leah began crying upon learning of the move – because her father had accepted a job offer with, in her mind, a terrible team.

“I think the toughest one — I haven’t told this yet to the media — all my kids took it really well,” Lynch said, via Will Brinson of CBS Sports. “They were shocked but they took it really well. My 9-year-old started bawling, and she’s not that girl. She’s the one that was always happy. And she was crying, and I said, ‘What’s wrong Leah? Are you afraid? Is there some nervous anxiety about moving?’ And she said, ‘No daddy,’ and she was sobbing. And I said, ‘What’s wrong?’ And she said, ‘The 49ers are horrible.’

“So, I said, ‘Well, I think that’s why they hired your daddy.'”

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I think we just learned that taking a look at the San Francisco 49ers 2-14 record doesn't even do justice to how woefully inept they were. Hell, not even an 0-16 season should be capable of what Chip Kelly and the gang were able to do, and that is bring a 9 year old girl to hysterics while making her view her father as merely mortal. 

Do you know how hard that is to accomplish? When you are that young you're supposed to automatically assume that there's nothing your dad can't do. He's legitimately supposed to be the family superhero. If John Lynch had gone anywhere else besides San Francisco (or Cleveland, obviously) then Leah Lynch would already be drawing up a stick figure of him hoisting a Lombardi Trophy, but even she can't be that blissfully ignorant. The 49ers are so goddamn bad that they turned a third grader into something most adults struggle to be - a rational, objective sports fan. 

Remember the first funeral you went to and how it stole your childlike innocence? The news of her dad accepting the 49ers GM job - that he wasn't even qualified for, mind you - was such a harsh lesson of how cruel the world can be that it basically made John Lynch's daughter mature a decade on the spot.​ There will be no telling her "it's going to be alright hunny". The roster that he just inherited is so talent barren that no amount of sugarcoating could mask the bitterness of the pill she's swallowing. At this point, she's more likely to believe in Santa Clause than a San Francisco Super Bowl appearance. Once she wiped those tears she basically completed her transformation into the little girl from 'Remember The Titans', because - when it comes to daddy's football team - she is no longer about the bullshit...​

Let's just hope that John Lynch doesn't make an empty promises that he can't keep. Building from rock bottom with no experience is hard enough. He starts guaranteeing his kid win totals, and he's going to need a fucking stable for all the ponies he'll be purchasing to make it up to her.