LBS- Former Atlanta Falcons running back Jamal Anderson reportedly had a, um, troubling incident at a gas station in Georgia this week.
According to a police report obtained by TMZ, Anderson walked into a QuikTrip convenience store at a gas station and was slurring his words as he paid the cashier. He then allegedly started walking around the store, eventually returning to the counter and exposing himself. The clerk told police that Anderson took out his genitals and began masturbating.
Somehow, Anderson was not arrested. Police say he appeared intoxicated and claimed he was dropped off at the store by friends, but the clerk declined to press charges over the indecent act. Anderson was issued a ticket for criminal trespass and banned from the QuikTrip for life. Police even arranged an Uber ride home for him.
Out with the old...
In with the new...which is apparently going dicks out for convenience store clerks. It's far less GIFable so we'll have to leave that one up to the imagination, but this new iteration of 'The Dirty Bird' sounds like it's much more accurate semantically. That may not be enough to pay for whatever munchies Jamal Anderson's hallucinating ass was beating off to in the middle of a rural Georgia 'QuikTrip', but it's got to be worth something.
I guess I don't have too much to say here since I tend to be rendered speechless by former NFL stars tugging on their penis in public places, but it would be nice to find out what he was on so I never fucking take it. Something tells me that pleasuring yourself amongst rows of expired snacks isn't just some drunk shit. I've been inebriated beyond belief in public, and the thought that giving an underpaid gas station employee a free show could remedy the situation never once crossed my mind. Oh well. Hopefully he left with something sweet because he almost certainly met his daily fix of sodium with the bath salts. Pretty impressive he managed to walk away without arrest, but I guess that's just a product of the benefit of the doubt we give retired running backs now that we know concussions have long term ramifications - like the inability to decipher between appropriate and inappropriate places to give your beef a jerky.