The Jets Are Bringing Their Own Toilet Paper To London, Because America Is The Best Country On Earth
Deadspin- If the Jets were playing in South Florida, for instance, they would not have needed to pack more than 5,000 items — ranging from cereal and extension cords to gauze pads and wrist bands — onto a ship containing supplies for all six N.F.L. teams playing in London this season.They would not have needed to list the value and country of origin for the contents in every trunk or bag. Or find an industrial launderer to pick up soiled practice clothing at one location and deliver it clean to another. Or fly in the chef at their London hotel to observe how food is cooked and served at team headquarters.
Or order 350 rolls of toilet paper to replace the thinner version used in England.
“Some may say that’s a little over the top or whatnot, but it didn’t really cost that much, so why not?” Degerness said. “We’re basically trying to replicate everything that we’re doing here over there.”
Was anyone going to let me know that England had become a third world country? I was over here thinking that, in terms of quality of life, they were fairly comparable to that of the United States. Apparently not. Apparently it's just a bunch of redcoats with sore asses. Single ply toilet paper? Anything else you Brits want to tell me? Now I am literally questioning everything I have ever heard about England. Do they even have clean water over there? Should I be sending my old, worn down sneakers to London? How come we had a bunch of commercials begging for money to give to Haiti, but I haven't seen a penny donated to England and their single ply lifestyle? I would feel bad writing all this, but after hearing about their bathroom situation I can only imagine that they don't have the means to read it anyway. No wonder we always send Jacksonville out there. The personal grooming habits in Florida are a perfect fit for London. I used to respect England like 5 minutes ago, but how can I respect a country that doesn't even respect it's own assholes? I don't even disrespect them now, we jumped right past that stage. Now I just pity them. I don't consider myself a high maintenance person, but I don't think I would ever stoop so low to use single ply toilet paper. I'd honestly rather jump in the shower instead. That's right, we are talking about something that I won't even let touch my dirty shit hole, and England fucking swears by it. That's how good it is to be an American.
Don't believe the line of reasoning that the Jets are bringing their own TP because they are trying to replicate the conditions at the team facility. They are bringing their own TP because they are trying to replicate the conditions in a first world country. They are bringing their own TP because they aren't complete barbarians. They are bringing their own TP because they are dignified human beings. The day they start succumbing to single ply is the day that they start bathing in public bodies of water. The use of single ply toilet paper is only one step above shitting behind a 7/11 and giving a homeless man a quarter to use his filthy bandana to wipe. If you can't shell the extra money to pay for 2-ply toilet paper then you don't belong in this country. The good news is that we have just the country for you...