Fuck this kid. Fuck him for whining after his first loss in exactly three months. Fuck him for being a shitty actor when seeing that his mother was taping him and - in doing so - not letting me suspend disbelief to hate him even more. Fuck his stupid hair cut. Fuck his bitchy voice. Fuck his entire world. I hope Dez Bryant shows up at his house on Christmas morning and smacks him upside the head with a sock full of coal.
Honestly, I was beginning to think that the Cowboys being good again wasn't the worst thing in the world. Dak comes off as a likeable dude. Zeke is too much of a beast not to respect. Romo is a loveable loser lurking on the sidelines looking like his dog died. Jerry is Jerry. Sure, their fans are all a bunch of front-running dickbags, but most of them have actually handled success pretty humbly so far this year. All in all, there were teams I would rather see fail....until now.
Now there's nothing I want more than that kid's sadness. I will refuse to admit that the playoffs are over until his pillow case needs to be replaced with a garbage bag due to all his tears. Little shit hasn't felt the agony of defeat since fucking September and he's banging on the ball bitching about the Giants like we all haven't had to watch Eli go through an economy size box of diapers en route to multiple Super Bowls. I know kids are insufferable shitheads, but if my future, hypothetical one pops out and starts crying over 11-2 I'm sticking one mothball in his mouth for each and every time the Saints have left me depressed and ducting taping it shut until they win another Super Bowl.