This Piece On Every Kid Named 'Peyton' Is The Creepiest Thing ESPN Has Ever Ran

"Alright guys. Peyton is officially announcing his retirement tomorrow. Going to need a segment to celebrate his career."

"How about we run a highlight video that dates back to his days at Tennessee?"

"Nah, that will get people talking about how he treated a trainer's face as his scrotum mattress.

"Okay, well what about a tribute to his last championship season?"

"Ehh. I think that will remind people that it's more probable than not that it wouldn't have been possible without dipping into his wife's PED supply."

"Oh, I got it. Let's air that clip from when we went around to all the youth football programs in the greater Indianapolis area and gathered up every blond haired, blue eyed teenager whose parents used their borderline obsession with a tall goofy quarterback to name their child."

"You sir, just earned yourself a promotion."

Hey ESPN, maybe don't remind people that you were once so desperate for content that you did a region wide manhunt of every Peyton in a Pop Warner program? Next time you think it's a good idea to recall your stalking of teenage boys with a certain first name just throw up another Steph Curry statistic and call it a day, k? Thanks.