Toronto Sun- The hot dog vendor who parks daily at Front and John Sts. just lost his most reliable customer.
Almost every afternoon at 2:30 p.m., often wearing a toque, Phil Kessel would wander from his neighbourhood condominium to consume his daily snack.
And now he’s gone. Just like that. The Maple Leafs could no longer stomach having Kessel around, the first player to be both punished and rewarded for the saddest Leafs season in history. The Leafs held their breath, plugged their noses, and ostensibly gave Kessel to the Pittsburgh Penguins because they couldn’t stand having him around anymore.
#Journalism? What the hell was that? That reads like the notepad of a private investigator. What is this a fucking sting operation?
"10-4. 2:30 PM. Phil Kessel. Winter hat. Hot dog stand. Light Ketchup. Sprinkle of relish. Over and out."
Now listen, I am not the most focused and to the point person in terms of writing, but even I found that pot shot at Phil Kessel's hot dog intake unnecessary. If you are going to make a veiled fat joke at least be clever about it. There are about 1,000 reasons for Leafs fans and writers alike to be upset with Phil Kessel. If you want to include his, for lack of a better wording, weight management on that list then I won't begrudge you. However, I refuse to let this man tarnish the name of hot dogs, or anyone's love of them. If there is one unhealthy food in this world you can't judge someone's consumption of it is hot dogs. I legitimately had a conversation last week about how many hot dogs I could comfortably eat in a sitting and I'm convinced it's at least double digits. Those fuckers go down so fast I would have 5 in me before they even began to digest. If anything, we should be complimentary of a man as indulgent as Phil Kessel for having the will power to stop at one. That's giving your all for the betterment of the team if you ask me.
Don't let this man's besmirchment of Phil Kessel fool you. As someone that has been to Toronto multiple times I can definitively say that if you lived around the corner from a hot dog stand you would eat at least two a day. This may come off as un-American, but Toronto has the best street hot dogs I have ever had in my entire life. If all phalic things off the street tasted as good as a hot dog from a cart in Toronto my mouth would have housed more homeless men than FEMA. Do you even know what kinds of foods are shaped like dicks? The BEST kinds.
Plus, this guy hating someone for eating hot dogs may be the most arrogant display of hypocrisy these eyes have ever witnessed. He's probably just mad because he got stuck behind him in line. Either that or his inevitably disgusting wife threatened to divorce him if he came home with mustard on his chin one more time.