Tom Coughlin Doesn't Trust Technology, Duh

Sports Illustrated- "Two weeks ago I'm trying to get to a roller hockey game that my grandson is playing in, so Marc Ross [the Giants' director of college scouting] had showed me how to talk to this phone," Coughlin said. "I don't trust the lady in GPS, I don't trust her, because they don't send you the right way. I hit the button and I go 'Park Ridge, New Jersey.' And she comes back on, she's giving me directions. So now I figure out where I am. I hit the thing and I said, 'Thank you very much, I know exactly where I am now.' And she comes back and says, 'You don't have to thank me.' I swear to God that's what she said. And then I couldn't get her to shut up. Every turn. 'Take a right here.' I know where I am. I know where I am. I'm a block away from my house and she's telling me where to go. I said, 'I know where I'm going.' "

So what you are saying is that Tom Coughlin is the older, cryptic, half dead version of my father? Hell, he is probably your father too. At the very least your grandfather. I remember my Dad's first introduction to the GPS. I thought he was going to break a bottle over it's head and go bare knuckles with it. I have never seen a person so irrationally mad at something that was trying to make his life easier. It was like the adult version of when your parents are trying to help you with your homework and you scream "I can do it myself!". To this day he treats his two month old iPhone like it's a Nokia. Only phone calls and texts that feature nouns and verbs. I swear talking to him through text message is like communicating with a foreign exchange student. . 

​And you know what? It's not his fault. Old people can't do technology. It's just not a language they speak. Kids grow up these days learning sign language. Try to speak to me with your hands and I'll look at you just like Tom Coughlin looks at an iPad. Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when they told Coughlin they were transitioning to iPads to diagram plays on the sideline. Guess whose job just got more intricate? That's right, literally every other member of the coaching staff. Coach Coughlin would rather chisel his plays in to slabs of granite than even considering squinting at an unnecessary monitor. 

In all likelihood I am only going to say this once in my life so listen up. I can actually relate to Tom Coughlin here. Siri SUCKS. The bitch just isn't dependable. She's the friend that is chronically wrong yet always has an opinion. The type of friend who you are more likely to do the complete opposite of what they say than to comply wit their requests. Siri makes JR Smith's shooting percentage look commendable. She is about as efficient as a seeing eye dog with Alzheimers. If Siri could call the cops on it's 'owner', I would probably be locked up for domestic abuse. Literally every other time I talk to her I am cursing her out. Approximately 39.8% of the times I have said 'cunt' in my life it was to the imaginary person living in my data plan. If Siri was a real person I would knock her unconscious in an Atlantic City elevator and give the body to Robert Durst. I can't relate to Tom's struggle with modern day innovations, but if he wants to throw a couple back and rant about Siri I'm game.

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