God bless drunk people, am I right? You really just don't realize the power of a good, old fashioned boozefest until you are the person "responsible" for getting a person home after it's complete. I never thought being a designated driver would be cool, and well, it's not, but if you are going to make a couple bucks doing something it might as well be listening to the intoxicated ramblings of strangers.
Drunk #1: AKA the time I am pretty sure I have was two unwanted step children from becoming cougar meat. Nothing like a 46 year old woman asking your workout regime after she spent 20 minutes discussing how much she hates her family. Ever heard of a woman getting married and NEVER turning in the marriage certificate after 10 years? Neither have I, but I got to say, quite the foresight considering their impending divorce. Hey, wouldn't be the worst oven to throw a bun in. By all accounts (all by her) she's kicking her "husband" straight off quite the money train.
Drunk #2: Imagine the middle aged woman that unloaded all of her problems on me within 10 miles. Okay ready, now imagine the exact opposite of that. I thought this guy was drunk when he spent 10 minutes trying to find where I parked, which was, ya know, exactly where he told me to. I was pretty convinced when he asleep 12 seconds into an hour long car ride. But when he awoke to speak Swahili when I told him I was adding 15 minutes to the trip by avoiding the tollroad? My suspicions were confirmed. Dude was LIT. In retrospect, I probably should have been more nervous for the interior of my car.
Middle Eastern Family: You know, I never thought that I would have to play husband, father, and grandfather to a nice Indian woman, her mother, and her two children, but sometimes life throws you curveballs. Life must have spit on this curveball beforehand because the 48 bags of groceries that had to be loaded into my car while two kids on leashes fought in my back seat really gave me some perspective on how ready I am to have a child. I don't know how ISIS youth is formed, but I am pretty sure a negligent father and a couple of leashes is a hell of a start. Can't be too hard on the mother though, all signs pointed to those children being a couple of terrorists, no pun intended. Either way, UBER driving is apparently quite underrated as a contraceptive. A seven minute ride felt like 2.5 days, and we wonder why husbands are so quick to work late.
Drunk #3 (couple): All things considered, not too interesting. I guess the main takeaway here is that they have a female friend that has to look sin got hit by a bus, ran over twice, and then got shit on by a pigeon. When I tell you they spent the entire 15 minutes trying to find a filter that would make this girl look like she wasn't the owner of a penis it is of little to no exaggeration. I can't lie, I really wanted to see what this broad looked like, but since I didn't want to be rude, we can all collectively assume it was a pre-op Bruce Jenner. Someone needs to tell her that if Instagram can't change it, then her next best bet is a sex change. If you're going to go that route, now is definitely the time.
Drunk #4 (couple of young women): You would assume that a couple of mid-20's, scantily clad, blonde girls would be the best way to end your night as an UBER driver. In reality, it's pretty much the worst. Nothing will make you regret your entire existence on the planet like listening to a couple half witted blondes talk about ANYTHING over the backdrop of EDM music. Kudos ladies. A+ racks, but not even a motorboat or two could save me from the suicidal thoughts going through my head as these chicks made Jessica Simpson and Anna Ferris look like intellectuals.
While I hope for a couple of mutes that sit in the back and shut the fuck up, you should continue to hope for a compilation of the world's worst backseat drivers, talkers, and breathers. Until next time...