Unbeknownst To Dwyane Wade, My Buttcheeks Have Never Been Looser

"I don't know how much tighter your buttcheeks can get than this series." - Dwyane Wade

— James Herbert (@outsidethenba) May 11, 2016

​Oh wait, obviously he was talking about the players. That makes more sense now. I can see how participating in a bunch of playoff games that come right down to the wire and regularly end up in overtime could have you squeezing the old cheeks a little bit.

Unfortunately the same can't be said for those of us watching from home, because my backside feels about as loose as Sasha Grey's. It's like the moment I turn on those Raptors/Heat games I immediately feel I just got home from getting my anus deep tissue massaged. Got a prude girlfriend that's a little inhibited sexually? Make sure she hasn't had any Mexican in the last 24 hours and sit her down for a couple Kyle Lowry isolations. Might not even need the KY by the time he misses a step back 27 footer that falls 3 feet short of having any prayer whatsoever. 

It doesn't matter if it's the middle of the 1st quarter or the waning seconds of the 4th quarter, these two teams know how to relax a rear end better than Chipotle's secret ingredient. Overtime or not, I honestly don't think I have ever felt less vulnerable to constipation than I do when watching Dwyane Wade - and only Dwyane Wade - go head-to-head with whatever aliens from 'Moron Mountain' have inhabited the bodies of Kyle Lowry and DeMar DeRozan. I want to watch the games in full, but I have taken to sitting on the toilet and listening on my phone just in cause my bladder gets too at ease. You know what the casual observer won't need once this series inevitably ends? A colonoscopy, because this matchup could clean out the tightest of assholes. Whatever brand of basketball being played simply can't even get a clench out of me, and that's why I am worried that I might have to invest in diapers if it goes 7.