Willie Snead Ingeniously Got Himself Suspended For The First 3 Games Of The Season After Getting An Offseason DUI
The subjective Saints' fan in me wonders when three games became the NFL's going rate for a DUI. The biased little bastard that comes straight to the forefront after kickoff is just dying to make some completely illogical, absolutely arbitrary correlation to other dumb, unforgivable shit that professional athletes have done just to make Willie Snead look like less of a jackass by comparison. If he put on his black & gold reading glasses to write this he'd probably think it was unnecessarily cruel to include this picture of the now-suspended party following his removal from a banged-up motor vehicle at the ass crack of dawn looking he was day dreaming of drunk munchies...
Fortunately, it's not currently a Sunday afternoon between the months of September and December so he's still napping off last season's hangover, and the (better) part of me that is an objective human being can deliver a message that I truly can't believe professional athletes still need to hear...
TAKE A FUCKING UBER.
I'm not going to hypocritically act like Willie Snead is a complete vagrant because far too many of us (myself included) have gotten behind the wheel knowing we were over the legal limit. However, it is nothing short of reckless and inexcusable to get a DUI with the amount of driving services available to even your average, every day asshole. Never mind risking his professional career before he's even gotten his first well deserved pay raise, because risking his life as well as the innocent lives of others is just a mind bogglingly dumbass decision when all you have to do to get home safely is tap a touch screen. Simply put, Willie Snead has to be a better person in that situation, regardless of his profession.
Now on to the much less important aspect of this absurdly untimely suspension...football. Luckily, I think Drew Brees is far too talented to let the temporarily loss of a secondary receiver submarine the beginning of an all-too-urgent season. His group of wideouts have shown a surprising amount of depth thus far so overcoming some MIA mitts - no matter how trustworthy they have proven to be - probably won't be the most difficult trial or tribulation of the future Hall Of Famer's career.
That being said, there will be a 3rd-and-about-6 where two defenders will be draped all over Michael Thomas, and the absence of a sure-handed safety valve will be painfully noticeable. Willie Snead better hope and pray that said play doesn't come at a crucial moment of what was already guaranteed to be the most difficult part of the schedule. With the amount of key injuries this team has endured the last few seasons, the last thing they needed was an experienced player hitting the (top) shelf due to something as avoidable as hitting the road liquored up. If his self conscience's inability to outargue his drunken, irrational confidence in a bathroom mirror costs a team that desperately needs a fast start a victory then the apology of someone who was considered a great teammate and model citizen will fall on deaf ears. No matter how genuine it may be...