Would You Believe That The Real Reason Colin Kaepernick Doesn’t Have A Job Is Because He’s Vegan?!?!

At season’s end, Colin Kaepernick stated he was fully committed to football. But some teams are unconvinced and wonder about his vegan diet.

— Matt Maiocco (@MaioccoNBCS) March 31, 2017

Whew, what a relief! I probably shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that rich and powerful white men were using their riches and power to withhold a job from a deserving quarterback due to the fact that the timing of his equality-driven activism made them uncomfortable. I guess I owe the people that mentioned Colin Kaepernick in the same breathe as Rae Carruth (the former football player that had his pregnant wife murdered) an apology, because it’s pretty clear his perceived protein deficiency is a bigger deal breaker than his perceived lack of respect for the troops, this country, its flag, and the National Anthem. Tough to argue with that vetting process. If you can dodge a wrench then you can dodge a ball, and if you can digest a 16 ounce porterhouse then you can digest an NFL playbook. 

I honestly can’t believe I overlooked a former Super Bowl quarterback’s most obvious flaw while assuming that his prospective employers were just refusing to take the interruption of their precious Patriotism sitting down. Colin Kaepernick is…dun-dun-dun…too healthy to play in the NFL! The signal caller whose style is predicated on athleticism is too careful about what he puts in his body! In retrospect, I feel pretty stupid for thinking NFL GM’s would let their “hatred” - their word, not mine - get in the way of making an acquisition that could help their team. I was placing in blame in all the wrong places! After all, If Colin Kaepernick really cared about his career then he would have paid $200+ to get his hands on Tom Brady’s strict nutritional plan that surely reads like a menu at ‘Outback Steakhouse’. I can’t help but think that he owes me - and everyone else that argued on his behalf - an apology for playing the victim while actively sabotaging his potential by lowering his cholesterol.

P.S. Is there anything more cowardly than hiding behind an excuse as stupid as a professional athlete’s ultra-clean diet instead of having the balls to own up to something that looks more and more like a blacklisting every single time an NFL owner anonymously (of course) speaks up? To give you my much belated answer to the title - yeah, me either.