I Would Rather Have This 19 Year Old Kid Coaching Rutgers Football Than Kyle Flood

I am blessed to be considered for the Rutgers Football Head coaching job #Kautz4Coach @RFootball @KSargeantNJ pic.twitter.com/KbdzAEMzbO

— Coach Kautz (@KautzBen) December 2, 2015

NJ.com- NJ Advance Media: Do you trust Rutgers to make the right hire?

Kautz: I had no trust for Rutgers athletics prior to Barchi's recent decisions. His decision to buy out the contract of Flood makes me trust him. Also I think Hobbs is the right man to assist in making the hire. At this point I fully trust them. 

NJ Advance Media: Did you have any recruiting violations during your highly decorated NCAA Football video game career?

Kautz: In NCAA football I was never punished for recruiting violations. Take that as you may.

NJ Advance Media: Your resume includes mention of a "Chip Kelly-esque" offense. Is that a good thing right now?

Kautz: I believe that my offense combines the fast pace of Chip's offense with a dominant power run system. I believe this is an offense that no one has seen before, and I believe it will excel at the highest level.   

NJ Advance Media: Why are you the best candidate, especially over much more accomplished real football coaches?

Kautz: I am the best candidate for a few reasons: First off, I have never been fired from a head coaching job before. Secondly, I think my age will allow me to build a very long dynasty at Rutgers, and I will be able to relate to the players and recruits better than the other candidates. Third, look at my past coaching experience, I rarely lose. Finally, all the other coaches demand a high salary, I simply want free tuition for my last two years, and a small salary while on the job—however I am certainly open to being paid $5 million per year.



There are a lot of rumors swirling around as to who may be the next selection as Rutgers football's next Head Coach. Personally, I don't really have a preference. I just don't know enough about the candidates, other than Greg Schiano, to say that my opinion holds any water. I would say that if I had one requirement for the position it would be that the person that takes it either doesn't know Kyle Flood, or vehemently hates his guts. Give me a guy that has literally never heard the name of Kyle Flood, or a guy that spends all day and night throwing darts at a cardboard cutout of his face. Does Flood have a daughter? Has anyone ever cheated on her? I want you to hire that guy. Flood definitely got his ass kicked as a child. I want Rutgers to hire that bully. Someone dig into the past of Mrs. Flood. We need to hire her most serious ex-boyfriend. It might be a stretch, but I would even settle for a person that has committed credit card fraud against Kyle Flood. ANYONE that has done ANYTHING to cause that man even a fraction of the amount of pain that he has caused me.

If this extroverted little Jew, Ben Kautz, fits that bill then I will give him at least one half on the job before I call for his head. Can't get any worse, right? Even someone whose only experience is 'Madden' would know to put in Hayden Rettig when Chris Laviano hasn't thrown a touchdown pass in a FUCKING MONTH. Even a 19 year old college student would realize that you shouldn't be arguing with 'Dance Appreciation' professors just to make sure a player that was constantly in trouble with the law stays eligible. It doesn't take a Rhodes Scholar to figure out that you shouldn't defiantly speak on behalf of your job security after a 4-8 season in which you served a three game suspension and the entirety of your starting secondary got arrested. So yeah, relatively speaking, I do trust Ben Kautz to do a better job than Kyle Flood. I wouldn't say he's my preferred candidate, but if he doesn't start his first press conference by saying "we're just trying to go 1-0" then he's already gone a long way to gain my trust. Basically all I'm saying is that while Kyle Flood may be a nice guy, he's a goddamned idiot, and anyone that has recently been accepted by my alma mater can't possibly be as dumb he has proven to be. If that means Ben Kautz is the next Head Coach at Rutgers University then so be it. At least I have faith that he will wear a bucket hat when it rains, like a sensible grown man, instead of a visor, like a 5 year old that needs help dressing himself for the appropriate game day climate.