You Can Count Me As Skeptical of This Report That Phil Kessel Lost 13 Pounds In The Offseason

Penguins are happy with Phil Kessel. Worked with @GaryRobertsHPT this summer. Lost 13 lbs.

— Darren Dreger (@DarrenDreger) September 4, 2015

I guess I got to be the one to do this, right? Generally speaking, you never want to call anyone's weight loss into question, but since this is a professional athlete we are talking about, I feel comfortable calling bullshit on this. Let's just put it this way, I'll believe it when I see it. I'm more of a visual learner anyway. Actions speak louder than words Philip, so why don't you open the camera on your cell phone, hit that little reverse view button in the upper corner, and snap of picture of that despicable mug of yours for the world to see. Make no mistake, to find out the legitimacy of this claim all you will have to do is get one look at a Phil Kessel selfie. Anyone that has ever tried to lose weight knows the first place you notice it is in your face. If Phil Kessel truly did lose 13 pounds then he undoubtedly went from looking like an unkempt, overweight 40 year old man to an unkempt, overweight 40 year old man that just got over a two week bout with the flu. He will have went from looking loathsome to sickly, and aesthetically speaking, that would be a positive for him.

Even if this is true, I am not exactly sure why this is news. You know when losing 13 pounds is a big deal? When you are like 25 pounds overweight. Not when your face alone is 25 pounds overweight. Everyone knows that the first couple pounds slink off at the smallest change to your daily routine. Phil Kessel could probably eat one salad and lose thirteen pounds. Hell, if he discontinued his daily hot dog habit for a week he would lose well over 13 pounds. If he walked his dog around the block twice in one day he would be into double digits in terms of weight loss. He probably went for a run for the first time since middle school gym class, lost 20 pounds because of it, and then couldn't stop himself from eating a cheesesteak on his way to jumping on the scale. Thirteen pounds to Phil Kessel is like half a pound to anyone that has ever even seen a treadmill. If we are going to start applauding accomplishments that small then I deserve a goddamn medal for not being completely hungover today. Where's my tweet Darren Dreger? Stop giving Phil Kessel preferential treatment just because he's a multimillion dollar athlete who's talent somehow defies his insanely high cholesterol.