— Benjamin Hochman (@hochman) August 10, 2017 My advice to the St. Louis Cardinals? Just let it go. Take down the online press release and instantly end this search. It's not that I don't have my own quirky superstitions, but I do have a pretty good feeling that the presence of a ravenous kitten doesn't truly effect the outcome of baseball games. Simply put? Angels are much more helpful in the outfield, and some blood-thirsty feline that thinks it runs the joint doesn't have the widespread appeal of a dolphin that does halftime shows. I know that with one monstrous swing Yadier Molina carved out a spot for that bratty little cat in some weird annex of franchise history. However, the franchise in question needs to trust that it's in a better place living with 12-25 of his/her peers in the two bedroom apartment of an aging single/widowed woman that shamelessly collects kitties from places as strange as a Major League ballpark and immediately claims them as her own. I don't - for one goddamn second - believe that a broad batshit enough to scoop up a stray that just repeatedly gnawed on the hand of a human in front of thousands of people would lose track of said stray shortly thereafter. You don't partake in some asinine act of thievery and then simply lose what you risked it all to take. I know the little bastard had a sweet tooth for strangers, but not even the jaws of life can separate a crazy cat lady from that which she holds most dear. Therefore, I am just going to have to assume that she lied about misplacing it so that the organization would call off the proverbial dogs. No doubt in mind that thing is crapping up a storm in a living room-sized litter box with every other missing cat in a 10-15 mile radius. It would take Ace Ventura about 35 seconds to crack this case, but I hope he doesn't offer his services to help bring back what can only be described as an adorably disguised demon.
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A lot of people are going to get caught staring slack jawed at the backwards juggling act that served as the grand finale to this ice capades-esque training clip. Considering the fact that even a good portion of NHLers would wake up in the net after having concussed themselves in an attempt to pull off something similar, there's very good reason for that sequence to be the subject of shock and awe. That said, I would be lying if I said that high maintenance party trick was what I found most impressive about a video that I could have sworn was stuck in fast forward. That pissed off feeling that you get when you misjudge and zoom a little too far past the commercials? That's the same anxiety I felt while trying to understand about 75% of what Mitch Marner did - with ease - throughout those highlights. Honestly, if there was someone narrating every single move made then it probably would have sounded like I had accidentally turned a podcast up to 2.5x the normal speed. I would likely be lucky to catch every 4th word, because I only completely comprehended every 4th move after first watch. I must have said "wait, what?" at least three times in a 39 second video and it would have been more if I didn't find myself stunned silent by him heel-toeing around the entirety of the neutral zone in what appeared to be overdrive. Obviously a kid who would be lucky to weigh 170 pounds after feeding him cake and throwing him in the pool fully clothed at Mitch-A-Palooza needed some quickness and creativity to put up 60+ points as a rookie. Still, seeing the extent of it up close without a defender in sight really puts things in perspective. Zach Randolph Was Arrested For Possession Of Marijuana, And Unjustly Charged With The Intent To Sell8/10/2017 TMZ- NBA star Zach Randolph was arrested in L.A. on Wednesday night -- igniting a crazy disturbance that required cops to call in the cavalry for backup, TMZ Sports has learned.
LAPD officers were called to the Nickerson Gardens area in L.A. around 10 PM -- and when they arrived, cops found a large crowd of people smoking, playing loud music and blocking the roadway. Law enforcement sources tell us 3 people were seen grabbing their waistbands and running -- so cops went after them. Three people were detained -- including Randolph, who was eventually arrested for possession of marijuana with intent to sell, A FELONY. We're told the "intent to sell" part was due to the large amount of weed found. -------- Wait, you can get arrested for having weed on you in Los Angeles? I guess I knew that legalization didn't mean you could skip around a major city with blunts tucked behind both ears, but I also thought it was one of those "slap on the wrist" offenses. Like, try not to jay walk and also don't flaunt your recreational drug usage during a rowdy, unlicensed block party that's looks like it features multiple smoke machines and takes place on an active roadway. I suppose the whole "crazy disturbance" factor didn't help their case, but I still feel like going outside outside and getting high with your friends in California should at least require a initial warning before the cuffs come out. More importantly, who the hell are these officers to make the outrageous assumption that Zach Randolph - of all people - intended to sell? I sure as hell hope they found a bunch of crinkled up $20's in one pocket and carefully portioned zip lock bags in the other. We are talking about a longtime professional athlete whose famously known for having an iron lung. The fact that he had an excessive amount of marijuana on his person at a large get together doesn't automatically make him a terrible drug dealer. In fact, it's far more likely that it makes him a great fucking friend. Z-Bo should have turned right around and placed that ignorant cop under citizen's arrest for stoner shaming. I suppose you can give an NBA player a misdemeanor for blowing trees by the street lights, but there better be a bit more evidence before you go handing out felonies after weighing a man's intent to distribute (to anyone other than his closest homies) solely by the o-z. As far as I am concerned, the most criminal activity that took place was underestimation at the hands of law enforcement, because I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable questioning the former 'Jail Blazer' if he said "hey, I was going to finish that". The Employee Tasked With Chasing Down The St. Louis Cardinals "Rally Cat" Needs A New Summer Gig8/10/2017
First things first, credit to this poor sap. If I were him I would have been more liable to light my credentials on fire before calmly turning around and walking straight out of the stadium in a blaze of glory than to sprint through the outfield in front of ten of thousands of people in pursuit of an animal that was basically guaranteed to make me look like an asshole once I caught up to it. That probably speaks more to my distrust in house cats than it does to this guy's level of work ethic, but he still deserves a pat on the back and a "good job, good effort" for undertaking a task that should be reserved for single women in their late 30's. I genuinely think I would have fed that little piece of shit to the bleacher creatures by way of drop punt after the second chomp, so I tip my cap to this dude for being wary of PETA's all-seeing eye. I suppose you could say the announcer "predicted" the bite(s), but that doesn't exactly make him Nostradamus. The fact that that inherently pissy kitten reacted poorly to getting picked up would have been the easiest bet of all time. I don't know what this kid gets paid as a member of the field crew, but it damn sure ain't enough to play caretaker to the most bi-polar, contentious pet on the planet. Honestly, "cat catcher" better be included in his contract and that contract better be written in the same blood that he just had drawn, or he chose the wrong side of this risk/reward. There's not enough incentives in the world to justify putting yourself in the position to let a maniacal, self important feline that can't fend for itself make you the butt of the joke on live television. I guess someone had to do it, but I would have been more inclined to turn that kitty into litter than I would be to sacrifice blood, sweat, or tears for it. Maybe the "rally cat" worked it's black magic because Yadier Molina almost immediately hit a go-ahead grand slam, but no man's pride is only worth 1 win out of 162 - no matter how close the divisional race is...
Man, when is Tyron Smith going to catch a break? Just when you thought he had finally rendered his bulging dick impotent after trying to suppress it all last season and then - boom - he's laying erect on his back with a case of crippling stiffness. Who would have thought the all-too-evasive key to keeping a 6'5, 320 pound left tackle on the field to perform to the best of his abilities in the trenches would be to soften him up a bit? Will someone get this guy in a cold shower before throbbing head trauma costs him his career?!? All in seriousness, I am glad a female sportscaster finally screwed this proverbial pronunciation pooch. I'm going to assume that Jane Slater's subconscious wasn't littered with biologically built pants' tents and that her slip was anything but freudian. Therefore, I'm pretty sure that retroactively gives a pass to every male that's assumed to be a deviant with sex on the brain every time they accidentally stumble into some untimely innuendo mid-broadcast. See ladies, the world is yours! You can do anything men can do, even make embarrassing, R-rated mistakes on air! Hell, considering the unequivocal enunciation on the word "dick" and the extremely erotic verb preceding it, dare I say that the Jane Slater's of the world sound even more confident when getting all chubbed up by the tricky linguistics of a reoccurring back problem? If she didn't immediately correct herself than I would be liable to think that Tyron Smith basically boned himself out of the lineup last season, and there's something to be said about speaking with that level of conviction.
Well, if you're going to take a big, fat L in an argument then is might as well be an argument that sheds light on just how ridiculously long you've remained a professional athlete while playing one of - if not thee - most difficult position in all of sports. I don't know if Carson Palmer is sensitive about his age, but I know that finding out he's older than a guy who feels like he's been out of NFL for a decade only reminded me of how he was able to resurrect his career after if flew all the way off the tracks in the quarterback killing city of Oakland. Carson Palmer's late 30's may have put some unsightly smudges on his postseason record, but the fact that he was even a starting quarterback for a playoff team as recently as two seasons ago is a credit to how well we able to re-capture some of the magic that he had with Chad Ochocinco and T.J. Houshmandzadeh*. There aren't many players that get that close to journeyman status only to rebound back to relevance. Nothing speaks to that quite like him having to legitimately compare DOB's with a relatively successful player whose days as a starting caliber QB were basically DOA when he landed in Atlanta in 2007. Carson Palmer might be old, but his career certainly ain't dead yet. That, in itself, should take some of the sting off of losing an argument by way of the internet. * "Put him on the board, Howshamazilly, got it. Championnnship." I've got to tip my cap to 'Foot Locker', they almost got me here. They've done a stellar job of making polarizing athletes more likable by getting them to make light of their own flaws (See: DeAngelo Russell, and Lonzo Ball), and were pretty close to succeeding yet again by getting DeMarcus Cousins and Ndamukong Suh to embrace their inner asshole. Unfortunately, getting people to laugh at your scripted, socially unacceptable behavior only works when it's truly an exaggeration of why people think you're a terrible person in the first place. DeMarcus Cousins came away looking better because - no matter how many officials he verbally assaults - I would never take him for the type of person to kick fallen groceries away from an exhausted housewife or shut an elevator door in an elderly woman's face. The same can't be said about 300-pound Ndamukong Suh "accidentally" stomping on the injury prone leg of someone much smaller than him, because he has literally already done that... I can buy that DeMarcus Cousins' reputation as selfish and difficult is slightly magnified by how emotional and impassioned he gets on the court. However, if you're trying to sell me on Ndamukong Suh being anything less than a recklessly dirty dickhead whose intent is to do anything but injure then you might as well move on to a more likely sale by putting a price tag on the Brooklyn Bridge. SportingNews- DeAndre Levy, a former second-team All-Pro linebacker, has filed a grievance against the Lions for $1.75 million, according to multiple reports.
At issue is the Lions' medical treatment of Levy, who passed a team physical in March before he was released, which nullified a $1.75 million injury guarantee in his contract for this season, ESPN reported. Levy suffered a torn meniscus in Week 1 last season that required surgery. He returned to play toward the end of the regular season and playoffs. Following his release, Levy underwent a second surgery in April on the same knee. "I figured there was something wrong because they passed me on a physical when I couldn't even sit down to a chair or get into a linebacker stance at the time," Levy told ESPN. "In my mind, I didn't think about the legal contract part of it. I thought, 'This is f—d up. I can't get into position; how can I pass a physical?' I didn't know it was a physical the first time. "I went in for just a follow-up for my knee, we go through the exam or whatever and I see he puts 'pass' on it for the physical. I'm like, 'OK, this ain't right.' So I called my agent and I'm just now learning about the process." ------- I think I'm just going to take DeAndre Levy's word for it here. I have no doubt that he was hurt, but chances are that he's at least slightly exaggerating the extent to which he was in pain in hopes of collecting a couple million before calling it quits. That said, you'd have to be an idiot not to do the same damn thing to a league/organization that stopped at nothing to exploit you financially and physically throughout the prime of your career. So, from this point forward we are just going to suspend mild disbelief and pretend that the former Lions' linebacker passed a physical in which he literally had to be carried into the room and propped up like he just played the role of dead weight in 'Weekend At Bernie's'. Under those circumstances, it's morbidly funny that the Detroit Lions gave him a proverbial pat on the ass that he couldn't even sit on without wincing and said "congrats on your clean bill of health...now get the fuck out!". Unfortunately, it's much more scary that NFL players are so brainwashed/peer pressured into believing they are fine that DeAndre Levy basically hobbled out under the illusion he was "healthy" and had to gimp his way right into a surgeon's office no more than a month later. The visual of a team's medical staff saying "you passed!" while a team executive pops his head in and interrupts to say "you're also fired!" is semi-laughable. That is, until you consider that the soon-to-be-retired person on the ass end of the joke got left with a partially broken body while getting taken for roughly two million by a billion dollar industry. There's no doubt the NFL is a cutthroat business that views it's manual laborers as nothing more than temporary and expendable means to an end. Still, it's crazy to consider that they won't even stop at manipulating players that are taught to remain naive just to keep their job in order to not only win games, but also to pinch what basically amounts to pennies for the powerful. Here's to hoping DeAndre Levy eventually gets his $1.75 million. He may not have gotten the chance to earn it on the field, but he sure as hell deserves it more than the franchise that almost got away (and still might get away) with robbing it from him.
And there you have it, even the whitest of white boys prefers a little cushion for pushin'...the ball downfield. All due respect to the oh-so-rare, pancake-assed offensive lineman, but baby - you simply ain't got enough back for Danny Etling to prefer getting up under it all season. Admittedly, it's a littttttle awkward for reporter to be ask a college football player which teammate's taint he'd rather come uncomfortably close to touching on a regular basis. However, I can't say I'm surprised he chose the type of ass that provides more warmth, comfort, and durability like the one that's almost fatefully attached to a center with the last name 'Cushenberry'. I mean, if I absolutely had to make contact with the sweaty undercarriage of a man twice my size then I'm taking the booty that provides me a larger margin for error every single time. To each their own of course, but I'd definitely look at Danny Etling as a bit too prudish to be starting at quarterback in the SEC if he was a bigger fan of getting repeatedly poked by a pelvic bone.
Joe West Interview with USA Today from June 20th:
Biggest Complainer: “It’s got to be Adrian Beltre. Every pitch you call that’s a strike, he says, “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!’ I had a game with him recently and the pitch was right down the middle. He tells me, “that ball is outside.’ “I told him, ‘You may be a great ballplayer, but you’re the worst umpire in the league. You stink.’’ (West later clarified to USA TODAY Sports that he and Beltre are on friendly terms).
Seeing as a player would almost certainly be fined for criticizing an umpire publicly, I could definitely see the MLB's justification for suspending an umpire for criticizing a player, even if that criticism read as though it were very much tongue-in-cheek. Remaining consistent in disciplining the talent as well as those that are paid to govern the talent in an unbiased fashion is important. I mean, how else would a league give the loose perception that it's tooootally officiated fairly by people that defffffinitely never experience innate human emotions like favoritism or disdain? Unfortunately, the timing of this punishment makes as much sense as making your sport less entertaining by way of enforcing rules that apparently aren't even important enough to be put in a book. I don't know if the MLB has a super intricate investigation process that's as time-intensive as jailing a white-collar criminal, but a month and a half seems like a hell of a long tome to determine the legitimacy of a word-for-word quote that was published by a relatively trusted news source. That's why I have no choice but to assume that Joe West is owed a nice steak dinner and approximately three days salary from a colleague whose dumbass ejection may have retroactively changed the tone of a humorous anecdote about Adrian Beltre...
I don't know, maybe I'm off-base here, but it seems much more plausible that Joe West's quote from late June was taken out of context in early August after Gerry Davis' authority complex unjustly had the subject of that quote tossed from a game in late July. I wouldn't consider calling a guy (who is known for his sense of humor) "the worst complainer in the league" in the framework of joke to be some sort of gross misconduct, but it definitely starts to look that way when a person you work closely with acts on that reputation by wildly overreacting to something that almost every player does. Maybe the MLB really wanted to double and triple check to make sure that 'USA Today' heard him right, but - if the calendar is any indication - then Joe West is being suspended for a second hand self-fulfilling prophecy. Braves' Shortstop Johan Camargo Somehow Injured Himself While Lightly Jogging Onto The Field8/9/2017
Another day...another professional athlete added to the list of guys who have defied everything we think we know about the durability of professional athletes by literally jogging onto the disabled list. Okay fine, it's not that often that a Major Leaguer ends up getting carried off the field after exerting himself as much as you or I would when someone is nice enough to hold the door open for us, but - considering how superhuman these guys are supposed to be - it sure as hell feels like it happens far more often than it should. I have seen people that I have waved across the street show more hustle than that and not once did they end up laying across the yellow lines in need of medical attention. Insanely stupid accidents happen, but it seems the amount that they happen to those whose bodies are trained to withstand them is disproportional to the rest of society. That's probably the fragility of the rest of society doesn't end up as a running joke on every form of sports media, but that still doesn't explain how Johan Camargo's knee crumbled faster than the Braves' playoff hopes. Regardless of the unfortunate outcome, I found this hilarious. After all, I made a promise to myself long ago that I would laugh at anyone that tripped over nothing. I'll be damned if I am going to made liar by a shortstop that trots out onto that field 162 times a year and uses the very same knee that he just hyperextended engaging in the morning routine of the local housewives to make quick, reactionary movements within a tenth of second. It's almost as that ridiculous injury was a product of his lower body rebelling because it's gotten so used to being contorted in unorthodox directions that casually jumping over a line of chalk has become the normal person's equivalent of turning two while leaping over a baserunner that's actively trying to shatter their shins. Honestly, it's either that or he just desperately wanted out of the lineup. TheComeback- We may still see Johnny Manziel make a comeback, just not necessarily how we expected. The former Texas A&M sensation still wants a job in the NFL, but if he’s not wanted he’d like to coach college football.
Here’s what Manziel said while interviewed by Clay Travis at the International Football Betting Conference in Costa Rica on Monday, via ESPN: “I’d do something involved with sports. I can’t get away from it,” he said. “I’ve had to ask myself that a little bit as of late over the past year, but at the same time I’d want to be involved in sports in some way, whether it’s coaching, whether it’s doing something like that. So I think that’d be my route.” Asked which level he’d like to coach at, Manziel said: “Probably college.” ------ "Probably college". Probably fucking college. So perfectly coy while also being so incredibly transparent. What level does Johnny Football want to coach at when he realizes his NFL pipe dream is actually attached to the bottom of a clogged toilet? Oh, I don't know, probably the level that puts him within spitting distance of the type of drunken, co-ed company he used to keep when he was on top of the world as a 'Heisman Trophy' winner. I'll blindly give him credit, because - contextually - it sounds like his answer was delivered genuinely, but you are out of your godforsaken mind if you think the same can be said about his intentions. The guy who drank his way of a multi-million dollar job - and then continued to smoke and snort his way out of consideration for another one - wants to pursue a career on grounds similar to those that basically encouraged his degeneracy and allowed him to run roughshod. What could possibly go wrong?!? The prototype for the type of bro that can't let go thinks he's best suited to make his living "teaching" kids that are four years removed from fawning over him? Sure, why the hell not?!? Being trotted out there as a starter on an NFL team wasn't enough to make him show up to work sober, so where is the next best professional setting for a famous, currently unemployed 24 year old with addiction/will power issues? Why, of course...it's a college campus! Having responsibilities that are less time-constricting than being a full time student-athlete will definitely keep his hands from wandering and his eyes from dilating. Personally, I think Texas A&M should look his way. There's little to no chance he can provide anything in terms of leadership or authority and he's nowhere close to being able to command respect, but at least he'll get to relive his glory years as a graduate accomplice until his dream job opens up when the Raiders move to Las Vegas!
Why? Just...why? Was getting recognized as a starter regardless of his performance one of the dozens of incentives included in Adrian Peterson's contract? Did the Saints take note that Mark Ingram played his best game of season after being sat for Tim Hightower last year, and wanted to pressure him into coming out of the gates with a chip on his shoulder this season? Those are literally the only two reasons I can think of for listing the incumbent 1,000 yard runner who has been the standout back at training camp and the 32 year old shot in the dark who has only gotten limited looks as equals. Now, I know that preseason depth charts mean less than nothing and I have been watching Sean Payton's offense for about a decade longer than is necessary to realize that the "starter" label is about as loose as his commitment to running the football. That's why I really have to question why the most impassioned hater of stupid questions basically begged to be asked more stupid questions by making it seem like the fictional running back race was at a dead heat. As if overreactive fans didn't have enough to argue about after seeing seeing Ken Crawley and P.J. Williams listed as starting corners, now it will be impossible to avoid the bickering about a position that will be fluent when the season starts anyway. Great, can't wait to read - for the umpteenth time - why Mark Ingram can't be your lead back despite having numbers that show the exact opposite. Definitely looking forward to seeing someone claim that Adrian Peterson hasn't shown enough to earn his workload before we even has a workload to worry about. Ultimately it doesn't matter, because - if healthy - both will get their due touches, but Sean Payton should keep in mind that some of us have to wade through the internet riff raff when he unnecessarily creates fake controversies. Drew Brees And Kenny Vaccaro Gave Each Other A Piece Of Their Minds Following A Forced Fumble8/8/2017
Drew Brees was asked about his apparent frustration after safety Kenny Vaccaro knocked the ball out of his hand in full-team drills (players aren't allowed to hit the QB): "That happened a few times in that period. You know, listen, it was competitive. It was a third-down period, so you're keeping score, it's competitive. (But) obviously you have rules for safety purposes, you don't want guys hitting your arm when you're throwing. That's not smart. That's not safe. So when it happens, you know, I mean, I understand it's going to happen from time to time, which it did. So, whatever. You move on." (h/t Mike Triplett)
I can't believe I am going to say this, but - as long as he still has a clean bill of health - I would prefer if every practice from now until September culminated with Drew Brees getting pissy with his own defense. At the risk of encouraging a contentious locker room, this clip right here is the only type of dissension that could mean better days are ahead for this team. Now, that doesn't mean that I want defensive linemen teeing off on a franchise quarterback whose arm serves as the Saints' only hope of getting over that haunting 7-9 hump. It does, however, mean that a franchise quarterback that overreacts purely out of frustration must be facing a defense that's doing something right. I wasn't on the practice field so I don't know if that stare down was the result of multiple acts of unnecessary roughness, but I do know that the play that inevitably caused it was one of the cleanest strips I recall seeing from a unit that has seemingly sabotaged this franchise since it's Super Bowl. You can usually catch Kenny Vaccaro walking the thin line of what's allowable, but - for the first time maybe ever - a Saints' defensive player had Drew Brees looking like he was the one in the wrong. If the pressure from a team whose biggest concern is it's pass rush is what has it's usually mild mannered offensive leader jawing with it's most boisterous defensive player following a relatively harmless forced fumble then that argument should be viewed as a product of this team improving. Not too many defenses have gotten under the skin of a quarterback who is historically unflappable, so it's a good sign if the one he's spent the last few seasons cursing under his breathe finally gets in his head for the right reasons. Especially since there's not a Saints' fan on the planet that has offense anywhere near the top of their list of worries. TheBigLead- Jacksonville Jaguars offensive lineman Branden Albert retired from football on July 31, then announced he had changed his mind on Monday.
Albert was traded from the Miami Dolphins to Jacksonville on March 9 of this year in exchange for a seventh-round pick in the 2018 NFL Draft. The 32-year-old, two-time Pro Bowl left tackle wasn’t thrilled about his new situation and refused to show up to OTAs or voluntary minicamp. But he did report for the mandatory portion. Part of the issue was a contract dispute, and part of it was that Albert simply didn’t seem to want to be a Jaguar. That said, he did arrive on the first day of training camp. After three days of camp, Albert announced his retirement. Word is, he was being outclassed by Jacksonville’s younger linemen. So maybe the game had passed him by and it was time for him to hang em up. But, there was one problem: if Albert did retire, he’d have to give back $3.4 million to Jacksonville. That money was part of the signing bonus from the five-year, $47 million deal he signed with Miami in 2014. Now, just seven days later, he put those retirement plans on hold. He wants back with the team and the Jaguars don’t seem to want him anymore. They’d rather have the $3.4 million. ------- And let that be a lesson to all NFL players out there. For those of them that aren't already keenly aware of just how expendable they are, I would strongly suggest they study this Braden Albert story as tonight's homework. After all, if there were a sad sack organization that could be leveraged into giving a 32 year old left tackle more guaranteed money for no reason whatsoever then it would be the team of perennial losers that it's in desperate need of giving their hopeless quarterback as much protection as possible. The Jacksonville Jaguars could probably benefit from having as many experienced big bodies as possible with how often Blake Bortles' struggles will inevitably force them into running Leonard Fournette straight into the pile. Yet, when it giving a 2-time Pro Bowler a second chance their response was that of a soon-to-be married couple giving gift suggestions - "seriously, just give us money instead". It appears that whole "temporary retirement" thing was a much better posturing tool in theory. Though - in fairness - who would have thought that an NFL team would jump at the chance to get a player to pay them while his position was adequately filled by someone far younger, cheaper, and more talented? I'm absolutely stunned that executing his threat to walk off a professional field like a butthurt 4th grader that was trying to sabotage recess by leaving the teams with an odd number of kids didn't work out in his favor. In retrospect, he probably would have been wise to consult a financial adviser before officially quitting on a whim, but how could an aging player that was moved for nothing more than a 7th round pick have seen the game passing him by this quickly?! More than being a victim of emotional and irrational decision making, Branden Albert is a victim of bad timing. I can't think of a single time in the last decade that the Jaguars would consider themselves talented enough to take a stand, but they took that money and ran faster Usain Bolt selling dime bags of oregano. What an unlikely scenario to play out for a declining veteran that left about $17 million dollars on the table and expected it to still be there when he came back a week later!
I'm going to have to give myself a slap on the wrist for this one. When I first saw this tweet I momentarily convinced myself that the Cleveland Browns had magically found some self awareness before I even watched this "hype video". With the overdone lettering on the name of one of the most mocked players in the NFL and the cringeworthy pun in the caption, how could this not be an attempt to laugh at their own organization for starting a quarterback that they were quite literally incentivized to take? Brock Osweiler was basically the least valuable (albeit most expensive) asset in the trade that brought him to Cleveland, and the trade that brought him to Cleveland featured three nameless draft picks at the time. I thought there was no way their social media team could possibly pick that guy to single out as Browns' fans only source of hope. Boy, was I wrong. This video may have been hilarious in the sense that not one of the passes thrown in it traveled more than 10 yards, but it definitely wasn't meant to be. The careful cropping of what I imagine was every one of Brock Osweiler's completions over the last two weeks? The overly dramatic slo-mo that was used on a 5-yard crossing route during a 7-on-7 drill in which lineman don't participate? As crazy as it seems to use a montage of check downs to show that your franchise is on the up-and-up, there was far too much attempted production value for me to think that this was a self deprecating source of humor. That doesn't mean these "highlights" weren't completely and utterly laughable, but they definitely highlight just how impossible to do your job when your job is to make the Browns situation under center look promising. If anything, this just proves that no amount of editing could make Brock Osweiler look like a decent option, and that should make Browns' fans want to (b)rock...themselves into a year long coma.
David Griffin: “He handled the situation exactly like he was supposed to. He went to Dan Gilbert privately and told him that he thought he would be happier somewhere else. The absolute worst thing this guy could have done was pretend to be all-in and sink the ship from within. Most guys don’t have the courage to do what he did.” ----- Courage, really? It sure as hell takes confidence to talk your way off a team that - at least for the next year - rosters a player that basically guarantees you an appearance in the NBA Finals, but courage? I think that word choice could have used some tinkering. I get it. It takes pretty big balls to waltz into the office of your jackass of a boss and start making outrageous demands, even if players of Kyrie Irving's standing in his industry have turned that into a fairly common occurrence. Those balls obviously could have used some emptying first since someone clearly wasn't thinking clearly when he offered the dumpster fire that is the New York Knickerbockers as his preferred destination of choice, but preempting LeBron's inevitably departure from Cleveland was a bold move none the less. A bold move that will undoubtedly prove that the saying should be altered to "fortune favors those that affix their tongue to the King's anus", but not a move so bold that it has me considering a guy that would rather not honor his contract as a candidate for a 'Medal of Honor' or something. Let's just say what this was. This was David Griffin letting his opinion of the franchise that stupidly decided not to remain relevant by paying him boost his opinion of a player that also wants to get out of dodge before said dodge makes a hard left into irrelevance. I don't blame him - just as I don't blame Kyrie Irving for looking out for his future - but demanding a trade and then passive aggressively pushing for it to happen by way of social media jabs and dance floor mockery doesn't exactly meet my mediocre standards for courage. TheComeBack- Reds’ prospect Jose Siri, who plays for the Class-A Dayton Dragons, saw his Midwest League-record 39-game hit streak end in unusual fashion Friday against the Great Lakes Loons, with a pitch behind him, benches briefly clearing, an eventual walk on a pitch way outside, and the Dragons’ announcer (which appears to be Tom Nichols, in his tenth year of doing play-by-play for the team on Dayton’s CW) calling it “gutless” and casting aspersions on the whole Dodgers’ organization.
Announcer's Reaction: “And way behind him! He was trying to hit Siri there and end his hitting streak with a hit batsman! That should call for loud boos! That was a gutless move by Ryan Moseley, and the Los Angeles Dodgers’ organization! They have warned Moseley. That, for the Dodgers, does not speak highly of their coaching staff, led by Jeremy Rodriguez, their pitching coach, Connor McGuiness, or the man on the mound, Ryan Moseley. Fortunately, it didn’t hit Siri. You’d hate to see a hitting streak, not just for the player but for all the fans, end on a hit batsman. Look at that pitch, way behind him. That is just a lack of class and respect for the game.” “That was rather ridiculous. To me, it’s a reflection on the Los Angeles Dodgers’ organization, and specifically their coaching staff.” -------- I think we can all agree that while a 39 game hitting streak in Single A is impressive, it's ultimately pretty goddamn meaningless in the grand scheme of sports. If it weren't than surely we would have heard about it before it reached it's conclusion. That's why it really makes you wonder why this Ryan Moseley character was so worried about being on the ass end of it's continuation that he turned an at-bat into a story that makes him look far worse than getting pegged as victim #40. Anyway you slice it, throwing at a guy twice before walking him with an unhittable pitch in the dirt when he's trying to make history and it doesn't even make sense to do so in the context of the game is a bit of a bitch move. Unfortunately, it's not enough of a bitch move to warrant the all-out verbal assault that the longtime Dayton Dragons announcer laid on just about every person to ever be associated with the Los Angeles Dodgers. I can't believe I'm saying this about scenario where a lengthy hitting streak was intentionally ended prior to the benches clearing, but the venom spewed by the man on the microphone is the biggest story in all of this. You'd honestly think that the entirety of the Dodgers' organization ran train on his wife with the way he was defaming the character of multiple people that weren't even in attendance. Man, talk about taking a glimpse into day-to-day life of a Minor League baseball commentator. Assuming he can't possibly be that upset about the breaking of one of baseball's illustriously unwritten rules, I think every plate appearance during that streak made Tom Nichols feel more alive. I legit believe that he was more invested in it than the person responsible for it. The birds outside his window in rural Ohio just chirped a little bit louder the mornings after Jose Siri had yet another hit. It might not seem like that big of a deal to us, but for a guy that's been announcing Dayton Dragons' games for the last decade, it was one the last things he way able to grasp tightly onto to keep himself from boredom-driven insanity. That's the only explanation I can think of for a rant that was one more modicum of anger away from getting him to charge the mound.
Look, I'm not going to hop, skip, and euro-step to any conclusions here. All I have to go on is a GIF that lasts about seven seconds and provides about as much context as it does audio. Maybe Chris Paul wasn't scolding his new teammate during a glorified scrimmage. Maybe he's just become so accustomed to bitching on the basketball court that literally every word that comes out of his mouth on the hardwood instinctually comes in the form of whining. It certainly looks like one of the most demanding players in the NBA was yelling at his new backcourt mate to take a fundamentally sound lay-up at a meaningless event that is meant to spice up the offseason by giving players an opportunity to display their full range of individual talents, but what do I know? If I had to guess I would say that 'Club James' was working on his dance moves prior to his nightly visit to the titty bar before getting rudely interrupted by his anal retentive point guard. I would imagine that Harden only threw a friendly arm over Paul's shoulders out of desperation in hopes that some palling around would get him to shut the fuck up, but it's tough to tell without hearing the conversation. I just know that if I see a similar visual play out a couple dozen times this season than I will consider this unlikely union a success. That's exactly how I envisioned a heated, on-court interaction between the most exhausting NBA superstar and the most apathetic NBA superstar to look. Maybe things aren't as they appear in a video, but I hope they are as they appear when this same scene gets reenacted following a late game possession in which James Harden dribbles the air out of the ball before hoisting a 32 footer while trying to draw a foul. It that's a preview for what it's going to be like watching the Houston Rockets attempt to defy the inevitable clash of opposing personalities to form chemistry then I might have to invest in 'League Pass', because that will be nothing short of must-see TV.
It's almost as if it were written in the clouds. It may have had something to do with Sean Padden's inability to stay in his damn lane due to his almost immediate shortness of breath, but the fact of the matter is that you accept that you're going to end up being the butt of the joke when you agree to race as a fat guy. Baylor's Associate Athletic Director may have crossed the finish line first, but - in some way or another - he was bound to be considered the loser here. He actually got a pretty quick jump off the line and had a pretty high motor for a guy whose idea of exercise is probably a midnight Taco Bell run, but that simply wasn't funny enough for a race featuring a fat guy until that tackling dummy exacted it's revenge on him. That's why I have no choice but to consider this a fateful result. Unless - of course - it was done intentionally to get some laughs and distract people from realizing that Baylor is still allowed to foster a football team after the last few raped half of the female student body. |
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