Holy shit, it's actually worse than I thought. My headline sounds like hyperbole, but it doesn't even do justice to just how much the Rockets' collective heart sank when their "leader" made the eventual game winning shot. Spare me the "there was still time left, they weren't going to celebrate until they actually won" line of thinking. The Houston Rockets DO NOT get that benefit of the doubt. Not when their reaction to this shot embodies every ounce of apathy that they brought with them to the hardwood this season. You can't use the fact that there was 2.7 seconds left on the clock to justify not even cracking a smile when your best player drains a go-ahead bucket with a heroic individual effort (as if it would be any other kind of effort from this team). Terrance Jones looks like he just found out the midterm was today while he was walking into the classroom. Corey Brewer looks like he just spotted his ex-girlfriend in the club with the man she was cheating on him with. That pity clap at the end was the kind of applause you give when you think the sermon is over at Sunday mass before realizing there's still like 6 psalms to go (That's how church works right? Whatever, close enough). Credit to Dwight Howard for not putting on that counterfeit grin he used to rely upon for sympathy so often. He stayed true to himself by staring at the JumboTron with a look that said "please activate Steph for the last shot". Clint Capela looks like the only guy on the team that doesn't realize that James Harden just EXTENDED the series. The rest of the team looks like they were about to head out of the office and the boss just dropped a whole new pile of files on their desk. The Houston Rockets are somehow back in the series, and their instinctual reaction to it was "great, more work". If looks could kill James Harden would have put the finishing touches on the "people die in 3's" narrative. Call me crazy, but I'm not ruling out that he made that shot strictly to spite his teammates.
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Here is the easy answer: This is just what playoff hockey is about. Testing your physical and mental limits for the benefit of the team. Robby Fabbri damn near split his scrotum down the middle because he had no choice. Probably didn't even think about the fact that he didn't stretch enough before the game. His instincts took over, and when the ultimate goal is the Stanley Cup your instincts don't give a shit about your hesitancy to put the health of your groin at risk. This play could have possibly resulted in a goal that was the difference between winning and losing, and Robby Fabbri isn't going to be the guy that indirectly cost his team the game with one untimely whistle. Here is my answer: Robby Fabbri absolutely refuses to be the reason that his team has to sit through another offsides review/challenge/re-challenge of the previous challenge. He'll stop at nothing to make sure the game moves smoothly. On the off chance that his particular play resulted in a goal, he wasn't going to be the one responsible for a half hour of momentum killing monotony. The ultimate motivator for him ignoring his uneasiness in the yoga studio was the thought of standing at the bench with his eyes glazing over as all his teammates secretly wondered if he did enough to get back onsides. Of all the times he has played Twister he has never even attempted to be this flexible, but the funny thing about Twister is that there's not a team of grown men depending on you to give up your genitals to save them from the discretion of the officials. The challenge system has been so goddamn insufferable this postseason that the only thing I can do to ease my mind is convince myself that the players are actively doing all they can to avoid it. You know, while still focusing on competing against the world's best skaters for the most difficult trophy to win in sports.
You know, I really wish Adam Silver would just take a day off. Not that I don't love him taking the law into his own hands. That's a straight up boss move from the commissioner of the NBA. However, I wish he would slow down because he is wasting all his energy too early. Make no mistake, he's already pulled far ahead of literally every other commissioner in professional sports. Roger Goodell and Gary Bettman are like the two most hated men in America, and I couldn't even name the commissioner of the MLB. Their feet are essentially stuck in mud. Meanwhile Adam Silver has disposed of a blatantly racist owner in Donald Sterling, and he's doing his damnedest to rid an entire state of transphobia. His legs are churning at a mile a minute, but this goddamn overachiever is going to burn himself out by the second lap of his tenure. Using the placement of the most meaningless game played throughout the NBA season to strong arm a city out of it's antiquated beliefs on sexuality is resource management at it's finest, but it's stamina management at it's worst. I appreciate his efforts, but he's setting a dangerous precedent. You don't just start your term by giving a billionaire bigot the boot, follow it up by attempting to make the LGBT community feel comfortable in the South, and then just put it in cruise control. The job he has done has been nothing short of superb, but I would imagine it's also nothing short of exhausting. The guy has faced race and gender head on in two years of service. Could he possibly set the bar any higher?! It's a good thing he preemptively went cue ball, or the amount of energy he's put into his job would have already rendered him bald. As far as being the commissioner of a professional sport goes he is basically a super hero at this point. That being said, with the amount of positive public relations moves he's made in such a short amount of time it'll be a miracle if he doesn't get worn out and see himself fall back to the pack of villains wallowing behind him in mediocrity.
Metro- Hordes of Limp Bizkit fans flocked to a petrol station yesterday hoping to see them play – despite being told by news outlets and the band themselves that the gig was fake.
The ‘concert’ – which was in fact set for April 20, 2017 – was first advertised on Facebook by Brian Baker as ‘Limp Bizkit to play 4/20 Secret Show’. Over 22,000 people were invited – and by the time the big day (or 365 days prior to it) arrived, people were exchanging ‘tickets’ and fake flyers, claiming the gig was being sponsored by Monster energy drink. Days before April 20 the authorities in Dayton, Ohio had been trying to stop fans turning up to the Sunoco gas station between Keowee St and Wayne Ave for an event that obviously was not legit. So the day before the show, Dayton police tweeted a desperate and fairly unequivocal warning to potential attendees. Even frontman Fred Durst said the gig was not actually happening on Twitter – and still fans were rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ along to see him. Not a good look for Dayton, Ohio. Not a good look at all. This wouldn't happen anywhere else but Middle America. Doesn't matter how high and/or bored people were, no one in the Northeast is making their way to a goddamn gas station on 4/20 to watch a concert that they have been told is fake by the cops AND the front man of the band. Especially when that band is as irrelevant as Limp Bizkit. Think about how miserable life must be in Dayton for people to go through all that trouble on the extreme off chance that they could see a crappy performance at a Sunoco. Watching Fred Durst perform 'Chocolate Starfish And The Hot Dog Flavored Water' live from a gas pump was the BEST CASE SCENARIO, and people still showed up. Just ignored every piece of evidence saying that there was no fucking way this show was happening because they were so desperate to be entertained by something. Flyer says 2017? Eh, probably just a misprint. Fred Durst says he absolutely, positively won't be there? Probably just trying to throw casual fans off the scent. The venue is filled with a bunch of truck drivers napping in their 18 wheelers? Well duh, you can't have a surprise show in an actual theatre! Showing up to a gas station in Ohio one year prior to the scheduled show time of a Limp Bizkit concert that you know isn't happening. I think that might be it. The lowest point for humanity. Should have just passed around the spiked Kool-Aid and it ended it all cult-style as a group, because life simply doesn't get more sad, pathetic, depressing, bleak, dismal, hopeless, etc, etc.... Listen, I couldn't give a shit less about Chyna. Yeah, she gave me super weird shame boners during puberty, but we have long been past that. Prior to today she was just a disgruntled former wrestler with a drug problem that inevitably cost her her life. Sorry, but the truth hurts. Rest in peace and all that jazz, but let's not pretend she died the most honorable death. I wish she was still alive, but I didn't plan on sending flowers or anything...until now... I honestly felt no need to blog Chyna's death. The only reason I am now is because I couldn't let it get swept under the rug this quickly. Jesus Prince, how about a little respect? Fucking guy came flying off the top rope and buried her headline on the back page while the body was still warm. This was supposed to be Chyna's last hooray, and it lasted all of three hours. You think she swallowed an entire bottle of pills just to get disrespected in the afterlife too? I know people pass way in threes, but they aren't supposed to try to outdo each other in the process. You couldn't hold that last breath until tomorrow Prince? You could have had the entire weekend to yourself! How is Chyna supposed to compete with you? She doesn't even have her own Dave Chappelle skit! Prince is a goddamn national treasure, but he there's no mistaking his actions here as anything but selfish. April 21st, The Day Formerly Known As Chyna's. Might as well cancel her funeral while were at it, because even her family is too busy mourning the loss of a rock star. I can't believe he just Purple Rained all over her parade. Straight up dunked all over her corpse. I'm pouring one out for the only female member of D-Generation X tonight, but it's mostly because I think everyone else will be busy crying with the doves.
There's not much I respect about the NFL's policy on marijuana use. I don't respect that they even care that athletes use a substance that's damn near legal nationwide and does nothing to enhance performance. I don't respect the fact that there are players that could make the game better sitting out because they like to dabble in the chronic after a hard day's work. I don't respect the fact that they are closely monitoring Twitter accounts on the ultimate stoner's holiday in hopes of catching NFL players when they are at their most vulnerable. What I can respect is their ability to see through a player's attempt to throw them off the scent. Do I think that Pat McAfee - a punter who wants to see every penny of that paycheck - is smoking weed on 4/20? Probably not. Do I think he posted something that someone that was going to smoke weed but didn't want anyone to know would? Absolutely. All NFL tweets that merely made mention of the date in question as a holiday needed to be screened and promptly responded to with an empty Dixie cup and a request for urine. I don't agree with the process, but I do agree with their institution of said process. Only the people undergoing the paranoia of pot use would think that it's necessary to claim their innocence on social media unprovoked. Whoever smelt it, dealt it. Whoever denied it, supplied it. I appreciate Pat McAfee sending his love to the most high, but the only way his shot calling resembles that of Babe Ruth is if Babe Ruth was playing tee ball. Doc Rivers Cursed Out Al Jefferson For Being On His Phone Before A Game During His Rookie Year4/21/2016 NYTimes- Hawes said Reggie Theus, his coach during his rookie season eight years ago with the Sacramento Kings, banned phones from the locker room altogether and even outlawed them on the team bus. Al Jefferson, Hawes’s teammate on the Hornets, recalled being cursed out by Doc Rivers 11 years ago in his own rookie season with the Boston Celtics for daring to check his messages before tipoff.
“I’m still not a big fan of people checking their phones at halftime,” Jefferson said as he sat with his feet in a bucket of ice, fiddling with his phone, after a recent game. “But times change. Cellphones are people’s life now.” Never change Doc, never change. I can almost guarantee that this incident occurred following a two game losing skid. Doc Rivers just marched into the locker room prior to the game and took all his frustrations out on the closest rookie. Nothing he hates more than young players. Al Jefferson was probably checking how much time until tipoff and Doc Rivers just unloaded a barrage of epithets at him. Meanwhile, Paul Pierce was on the other side of the locker room working diligently to pass the 17th level of 'Brick Breaker' on his Blackberry while the lights were turning off. That's really all we learned here. Sure, we have become increasingly obsessed with our phones since 2004, but Doc Rivers outburst had nothing to do with locker room etiquette. It was about making sure the players that had yet to earn the right to do whatever they wanted pregame weren't doing whatever they wanted pregame. It's not that Al Jefferson wasn't allowed to check his phone, it was that he was expected to have enough respect to be secretive about it. That's not just an NBA thing, it' a society thing. I remember my first day at the office. I had my phone tucked in the bottom of the desk drawer like owning a cell phone was a fireable offense. That shit was on silent like one vibration was going to set off an alarm directly above my cubicle. I had that fucking thing hidden better than most high school teachers hide the vodka they use to temper the urge to strangle their students. Six months later I had that bad boy leaned up against the computer screen praying it would light up and wisp me away from whatever miserable spreadsheet I was pretending to work on. So no, Doc Rivers doesn't police phones in the locker room. Hell, I bet the whole damn team is internally recreating EmojiGate up until tip off. Just know that CJ Wilcox won't be participating, because he's intently paying attention to his coach while his phone keeps buzzing in the background. Apparently Tiger Woods Was Pretty Awkward Around Women, Until He Went Out With Jeter And Jordan4/21/2016 YardBarker- The sexual bravado hid his awkwardness around women.
One night he went to a club in New York with Derek Jeter and Michael Jordan. Jeter and Jordan circulated, talking with ease to one beautiful woman after another. (Both declined to comment about the episode.) At one point, Tiger walked up to them and asked the question that lives in the heart of every junior high boy and nearly every grown man too. "What do you do to talk to girls?" Jeter and Jordan looked at each other, then back at Tiger, sort of stunned. "Go tell 'em you're Tiger Woods", they said. Jordan and Jeter, that's who we have to blame. Tiger Woods was just a shy - albeit curious - prude until Jeter and Jordan gave him the key to unleashing his inner pervert. Ironically self doubt was the only thing restraining Tiger Woods from turning Perkin's waitresses into his own personal litter box, and Jeter and Jordan took those shackles off. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more dangerous than a confident man that knows he can get what he wants. Tiger Woods was perfectly happy being the best golfer in the world. He was doing just fine cashing in multimillion dollar checks. He was blissfully ignorant to the demons that lurked deep in his loins. Sure, he was basically walking around like a nervous, neutered teenager, but he was a successful nervous, neutered teenager. Thank a lot Jeets. Reallllly appreciate you teaching Tiger how to ruin a relationship MJ. Couldn't just let him live in his little sexually repressed bubble? Way to go guys, you basically did the equivalent of offering Kurt Cobain his first narcotic. Tiger Woods not understanding that he could literally sleep with any woman based solely off who he was is like the kid that drops trough in a high school locker room and realizes he's packing a hammer by comparison. It's impossible not to become exponentially more cocky and arrogant. Tiger basically went from being a virgin to being a sexual predator in a matter of seconds and all it took was one quizzical look from two of the most famous womanizers the sports world has ever known. It makes total sense. Why would a man like Tiger Woods ever get married if he knew all the pussy he would be missing out in by doing so? He wouldn't. He simply found that out after the fact. Didn't even realize that fidelity wasn't for those with money and fame until he watched those with comparable money and fame at work. Lesson learned, but boy-oh-boy were those classes costly. Steph Curry Is Just Being Overly Cautious Because The Warriors Are Playing The Rockets, Right?4/21/2016
Let's be clear, I am not saying that Steph Curry is sitting out when he should be playing. I know his ankle is banged up and - at this point - the risk of injuring it further isn't worth the reward. However, that's only because the "reward" is playing against a Rockets team that has absolutely no chance of beating this Warriors team - no matter how shorthanded they are. Is the risk that detrimental, or is the reward more paltry than the shirt that you caught out of the t-shirt cannon that's three sizes too small? I don't know if Curry would be playing if this was a 1-1 series with the Spurs, Thunder, or even Clippers, but I do know he wouldn't be preemptively ruling himself out a day before he had to. No athlete ever does this, and they certainly don't do it in the postseason. Any other opponent and Steph Curry just gives the canned answer we have all heard thousands of times: "we'll see how it feels tomorrow". That "I'm almost definitely not playing but..." wasn't even remotely necessary. There have been athletes limping around on crutches 6 hours prior to tipoff that play it by ear more than Steph Curry just did. For all intents and purposes, he made a game time implication 24 hours before game time. When a player as important as Steph Curry misses a game because of an injury that has a recovery time of day-to-day the suspense is supposed to build up until the broadcast starts, not be all but decided by yesterday's broadcast. Furthermore, when this happens in the postseason we are supposed to be a lot more concerned. Credit to the Rockets for playing such shitty basketball that we are hardly worried about the best player in the world's temporary absence from the lineup. Good work James Harden, you've failed everyone so badly that Steph Curry is treating playoff games like Allen Iverson treated practice.
ESPN’s Adam Schefter reports that Bradford is mad about the trade and feels the challenge.
“He’s hot,” a source told Schefter. “Who wouldn’t be? This is Philly saying, ‘We don’t see (you) as long-term answer.’ He’s mad and wants to show everyone who’s best.” Here's the real question, do you think Sam Bradford is more upset that the Eagles are actively trying to replace him, or more mad that they just traded away every asset they had to get better this year? That's a double whammy if I have ever seen one. I don't care what the Rams or Eagles management have to say, you absolutely have to build through the draft to be successful in today's NFL. Yes, a quarterback is of the upmost importance, but it doesn't mean dick if you don't surround him with young, cheap, productive pieces. The Eagles just traded - well - pretty much all of those young, cheap, productive pieces for another quarterback. Probably gave Sam Bradford that two year, $35 million contract so that he would just bite the pillow when they inevitably bent him over and fucked him in the ass. Just a little hush money for when the Eagles completely compromised the rest of his career by making it impossible for him to prevail in Philadelphia. I can already hear it now, "we'll give Sam Bradford every chance to succeed". Unfortunately that rings a lot less true when they just shipped all of his chances to succeed out of town. Now, I say this knowing that Sam Bradford is mediocre at his position, and was probably going to get replaced sooner rather than later. Still, seems like a bit of a slap in the face to fleece your own franchise to do so in such an abrupt manner. It's one thing to make a move for the future instead of the present. It's another thing to make a stupid move and jeopardizes your present and future...
This 30 Year Old That Just Got Busted Playing High School Basketball Owes Greg Oden A Thank You4/21/2016 Uproxx- According to Trevor Wilhelm of the Windsor Star, the top player for Windsor, Ontario’s Catholic Central High School was arrested earlier this week after border officers discovered the 30-year-old had been posing as a teenager for the past six months. For a story detailing his prodigious on-court exploits that was published in January, Nicola told The Star he came to Canada in late November after fleeing war-torn South Sudan. He’d been living with Catholic Central coach Pete Cusumano ever since, who reportedly believed the lanky center “had a shot” to play in the NBA. Neither the Canada Border Services agency nor school officials would shed any further light on these exceedingly strange circumstances. Nicola is being held under violation of the Immigration Refugee Protection Act. Authorities elected to continue detaining him after reviewing the case on Tuesday; an additional hearing with the Immigration and Refugee Board is scheduled for next week. At 6’9 and 202 pounds, Nicola surely towers over most if not all of his opponents – as many grown men would. He also shows a smooth shooting stroke and relatively advanced ball-handling ability for a player of his size. This guy lasted 6 months, huh? I guess Greg Oden actually did change the game. No, not by actually playing it, but by giving the opportunity to guys that look every hour of the age of 30 to hoop against teenagers without skepticism. Talk about setting a precedent. How can you question a 6'9 dude from South Sudan when you didn't question someone that appeared a good decade and a half older than him. Sucks he got caught, but apparently as long as you're tall, black, and don't have gray hair you can get at least one season of high school ball in before getting deported. Hell of an experience for a 30 year old from a third world country to add to his resume if you ask me. And don't you think we are being a little callous with this guy? He went dodging death on a daily basis in a war torn country to being a grown man in unfamiliar territory interacting with insufferable teenagers in the United States. I remember the last time I witnessed a high school interaction. Suffice to say Jonathon Nicola wasn't exactly living the American dream. Shit, with the things that high schoolers make popular nowadays I would be shocked if Nicola didn't re-pack his bag and think about heading home once or twice. Sounds absurd, but if you have enough conversations with stupid, self involved children you'd be surprised how quickly you'd risk death to avoid another one. This man experienced the worst of the worst from 3rd to 1st world country, and I personally think we should let him stay and see what this nation is all about without the company of hundreds of children he potentially could have fathered. Especially since he could add some spark and a savvy veteran presence to the end of an NBA bench...
UPDATE: I guess he was playing high school ball in Canada? Whatever, still North America. Take stands. Count it. YardBarker- In Bob McGinn’s assessment of the draft’s top quarterbacks for the Journal Sentinel, one NFL scout blasted the former Ohio State quarterback by comparing him to the biggest draft bust of all time.
“Kind of reminds me of a poor man’s JaMarcus Russell,” said the scout. “At least JaMarcus had some touch. This guy just throws the ball. His mechanics are all over the place.” “Not the brightest cookie in the world,” said another scout. “I worry about him when he gets money in his pocket. I just don’t know if it’s all there mentally.” This is just so goddamn insulting, and no, I am not speaking on behalf of Cardale Jones. He's a big boy and he can defend himself. I am standing up in defense of all the real poor man's Jamarcus Russell's out there - much like myself - that were truly disrespected by this critique. Just throws the ball? Next to no mechanics? Didn't really learn shit in college? Came out of school overweight and proceeded to eat and drink with no regard for his long term health or athleticism? That's me. I am the poor man's JaMarcus Russell, and the reason why is quite simply. I sucked really bad at football, didn't particularly care all that much, and I'm far poorer than Jamarcus Russell. This unnamed scout better get his act together, because proclaiming that there is an actual prospect that has such minuscule NFL potential that he warrants the "poor man's" tag really trivializes just how bad JaMarcus Russell was. I don't know if Cardale Jones has what it takes to maintain a long, successful NFL career. I do know that whatever he does have is certainly more than Jamarcus Russell had, and it's infinitely more than whatever us true poor man's Jamarcus Russell's had. This is just lazy analysis at it's finest. Does every husky black quarterback with a huge arm require a JaMarcus Russell reference somewhere in their scouting report? We just going to act like Byron Leftwich wasn't a person? Don't you think he would like to have his own corresponding poor man? Are we just trying to make up for the football games JaMarcus Russell didn't play by keeping his name in circulation? He paid for this publicly, didn't he? He's just out there slipping NFL scouts his unearned money under the table to indirectly say that he is better than someone. I bet he thinks if he gets enough respected people to state "Cardale Jones is worse than JaMarcus Russell" then people will just ignore the entirety of his career and that opinion will stick. That's my best guess, because even the least complimentary of Ohio State game tape showed me no man more underprivileged -athletically or otherwise - than this guy... I can't even begin to imagine to have something so selfless in me just ten days after losing a loved one. I have been fortunate enough not to have had to deal with a death that hits as close to home as this one did for the family of Will Smith. Suffice to say, I don't think I would be in good enough spirits to be thanking anybody this soon. I'm not exactly sure what the stages of grieving are but I am pretty sure anger is in there somewhere, and it takes a very strong person to be able to get beyond it so quickly. I have gotten 'Thank You' cards for showing up to funerals before, and - despite feeling honored - I always felt bad for the person that was compelled to write them. I just don't know if I would have the energy to put into something like that after suffering through such a tragic experience. I definitely can't fathom what it would be like to issue a 'Thank You' card to an ENTIRE city and all it's loving constituents through a widely distributed full page newspaper ad. Credit to Racquel Smith and the rest of Will Smith's family for being so gracious, but they don't owe us a thank you. We owe them a thank you for helping to shape Will Smith into the man that so many fans, teammates, coaches, and friends loved and respected. The Presence Of This Startled Child Ruined A Video Of Little League Parents Brawling On The Field4/20/2016 I couldn't do it. I just couldn't fully appreciate this video with that fucking 8 year old catcher standing there shocked into a statuesque state by a bunch of irrationally aggressive parents. I know this brawl wouldn't have been nearly as funny if it wasn't over Little League baseball so I guess a cameo by a 2nd grader or a two was a necessity. However, watching it from the POV of a kid as he is likely being traumatized by what he sees really puts it in persecutive. I almost feel as if I am that child after viewing that. I feel scared and vulnerable for him. I want nothing more than to laugh. It's goes against everything I stand for not to derive joy from old people fighting over youth sports, but having to watch it with a child's head - and his poor spongelike brain - right in the middle of the screen makes it real. This kind of shit is hilarious when you randomly find it on the internet, but it's incredibly sobering when you feel as if you are invested in it. This fucking kid has me invested. I feel the innate desire to pick him up on Saturday mornings to spend the day doing character building activities.This little plate protector somehow broke the fourth wall, and I feel as though it's my responsibility to scoop him out of that destructive setting and provide him a more suitable environment to grow and mature. This dude may have absolutely no respect for my viral video viewing experience, but he still clearly needs a role model. Am I the best man for the job? Probably not, but I can't be any worse than his drunk father who is wrestling around in the base paths between 15 MPH pitches. YardBarker- The NBA recently approved a three-year pilot program to test out placing advertisements on players’ jerseys starting in 2017, and Charles Barkley thinks the Cleveland Cavaliers should make a deal with Rogaine. Do you really need to ask why?During Tuesday’s edition of “Inside the NBA,” Barkley hinted that Rogaine would be a great advertising partner for the Cavs because LeBron James is trying to hide the fact that he’s losing his hair. “You think he don’t know he’s going bald?” Barkley asked. “I’m trying to save him so he can stop wasting all his money on paint.” Serious question, how bad could LeBron James look completely bald? What is under the rapidly dwindling amount of actual hair on his head that he remains so steadfast in hiding? More importantly, could it possibly be as embarrassing as walking around looking like this... As a person that shaves his head bald on a weekly basis, I truly don't understand the logic in continuing to grow hair when it's gotten to the point where it comes in as full as Sidney Crosby's beard. LeBron isn't the first person that's tried diligently to beat male patterned baldness, and he certainly won't be the last. The problem is that every single person that does meets the same fate. They lose. They may not admit defeat right away, but EVERYONE else knows they already lost. I don't know if LeBron has ever painted his hair on, but the fact that's it's questionable means he has already been beaten. Pretending he still has enough hair to fill a grown man's head is like Manny Pacquiao confidently saying he beat Floyd Mayweather. It's downright baffling. Such a ridiculous proposition that it's not even worth debating. If LeBron wants to take Chuck's advice and have Rogaine sponsor his full-on disregard for his own genetics then be my guest, but he's only prolonging the inevitable. I just don't see why he would when 'the inevitable' is already the most common hairstyle in the NBA. I'm not going to lie to you, this is giving me the weirdest erection. I don't think I ever understood the term "fear boner" until right now. It's like my dick is simultaneously getting hard while trying to tuck it's way between my legs. On one hand, I'm a sucker for a girl that doesn't hesitate to throw back a few cold ones. On the other hand, I have never been with a girl that could break me in two. I want her to scoop me up and carry me back to her place to engage in a night of debauchery, but I am downright fearful that she'll callously roll over and be distant as soon as we are done. I don't mind being submissive, but I also don't want to wake up to an arm bar and be asked to make her a breakfast sandwich. There's just so many conflicting emotions going on inside of me that I can't even begin to imagine how the hell she got her hands on a beer mid-game, never mind walk around with it raised in the air for so long before drawing the ire of her opposition. All I know is that I want this girl on my team. I don't even know what position she plays, but I'm plugging her in at fullback and middle linebacker. You know, unless she doesn't want to. In that case she can just coach the team herself, because I'm not going to be the one to tell her no. Not when I can't even decide if I want to get hopped up on booze and have raunchy sex with her, or wave the white flag and cower in the corner. Metro- A public schoolboy was knocked out and killed by a club promoter after the teenager shouted ‘one day you’ll work for me’ at him.
An inquest heard that Archie Lloyd was in Malia celebrating his A levels when he was punched by Sebastian Trabucatti last August. Winchester Coroner’s Court heard there had been a heated exchange between Archie, his friends and Trabucatti who was among a group of people on mopeds. Archie’s best friend Andy Hutchinson said: ‘Archie and I had our arms out to the side and told them to “f**k off”. They responded by being abusive. ‘We moved out of the road. The riders then stopped their bikes in front of us. [Mr Trabucatti] got off his bike and moved towards us.’ The moped riders then started pushing Andy, at which point Archie said ‘One day you’ll work for me’. Andy said he believed he said that because he felt bad for failing to intervene. That’s when Mr Trabucatti – who declined to attend the inquest – is believed to have punched Archie, knocking him to the floor, and the mopeds drove off. I don't want to say that this kid deserved to die. Partly because it's frowned upon, but mostly because its far too easy of an angle to take. That's why I'll just use a bunch of different words that mean the same exact thing. Ready? A loss of life as a result of douche on douche crime is addition by subtraction. Nailed it! Mix in a little math and victim blaming a dead teenager actually sounds beneficial to society. You know what Archie learned here? Well, nothing...because he's dead...duh. However, Archie's friend learned not to try to match egos with the most egotistical. In a battle of arrogant, judgmental dickheads there has to be a loser. The Club Promoter Vs. The Pompous Prep Schooler in a Douchebag Death Match? The only crime that took place here is that there weren't tickets sold. The public was robbed of the opportunity to witness a casualty of self importance. Sucks that this kid had to die before getting taken down a notch. I would have much preferred him to get knocked out and and have to face his friends with the blackest of eyes, but with a name like Archie he was destined to get one punched into the afterlife for being a pretentious prick. That's just the risk you take when you name your kid Archie. He might walk around looking like he's headed to cushy Wall Street job at the tender age of 18, and there's only two ways that story ends. He either ends up pissing all over the 99% from a penthouse apartment, or he ends murdered at the hands of a molly poppin' moped driver. Sorry his parents came out on the wrong side of that coin flip, but this is just an example of societal self regulation. Did Charlie Villanueva Just Try To Drive A Wedge Between Russell Westbrook and Cameron Payne?4/20/2016
Who would have thunk it? Charlie Villanueva may not be all that good at basketball, but he's a master manipulator! As if forcing Russy to blow a gasket by strategically placing himself within the 20 foot radius that he and Cameron Payne need to complete their obnoxiously long dance routine wasn't enough? Now he's causing a rift between dance partners?!? Bet Westbrook wishes he chose his words more carefully. Making derogatory statements about players that don't play when the guy he spends a half hour prancing around with also doesn't play? If standing around breaking up dance recitals is for guys that ride the pine, then participating in them is most definitely not for guys that ride the pine. I have seen 'Silver Linings Playbook', and third party interference is the quickest way to make a two person partnership implode. If we learned anything from Game 2 it's that all it takes to knock Russell Westbrook off his game is to throw off his pregame choreography. Nothing convolutes a couple's chemistry like one party's implication that they are more important than the other. Pretty sure that's how every band of all time has ended up going their separate ways. Charlie Villanueva just made Cameron Payne feel inferior and basically dropped a Mento in the Thunder's two liter Cola. He essentially soaked a stick of dynamite in lighter fluid and left it within spitting distance of the Thunder's open flame. Stand back because this could get ugly. A little passive aggression can go a long way. Not saying the Mavericks are going to win the series, but look for Cameron Payne's dab to be a little less enthusiastic tonight. Don't be surprised when his whip doesn't perfectly compliment his nay-nay. It might take some time, but these two are going to end up going the way of Sonny and Cher. A divorce is basically imminent, and the rest of their "family" will eventually feel the effects. Charlie Villanueva just home wrecked the Thunder's championship aspirations as far as I'm concerned. I understand that there is a lot of irony, and not-so-borderline hypocrisy, in what I am about to say. There is your disclaimer. Here goes - I didn't like Reggie Miller going on 'The Dan Patrick Show' and saying that he and a team of analysts could beat the Memphis Grizzlies, but I love Charles Barkley calling him "the worst analyst on television" for saying the Grizzlies will play better at home. I know the narrative will be that Charles Barkley is also a pretty crappy analyst, but the difference is that no one looks to Charles Barkley to analyze things. Coincidentally, people look to Charles Barkley for hyperbolic statements just like this one. I don't pay attention to Sir Charles for enlightenment on how the game is being played. No one does. Hell, if anyone did they wouldn't let him anywhere near a microphone during March Madness. I look to Charles Barkley for laughs. I look to him to shove fake churros down his throat while he makes fun of the portly women of San Antonio. You want to be a viable sports commentator? Be funny or be informative. Charles Barkley is the former, and Reggie Miller tries - and valiantly fails - to be the latter. That's the difference. Charles Barkley isn't a better analyst than Reggie Miller because he knows the game of basketball better. He's a better personality because he actually entertains people while (occasionally) talking about basketball. Reggie Miller saying that he and the rest of the league's senior citizens could beat an active NBA team was neither funny or insightful. Reggie Miller saying that the Memphis Grizzlies will play better at home is neither funny or insightful. Is the Round Mound of Rebound right in saying Reggie is the "worst" at his profession? No. Is he wrong in implying that he's better at fulfilling the requirements of his job? Ditto. The Irony In Conor McGregor's Supposed Retirement Is That It May Not End Up Being His Choice4/20/2016
Wait, so you mean a budding star in the MMA community didn't just retire at the height of his popularity for no reason? You trying to tell me that there were extenuating circumstances surrounding his decision to "walk away" from the sport? I gotta say, I didn't see this one coming. A humble, selfless athlete like Conor McGregor making a stink over finances? That doesn't sound right. I always got the impression that the money was just a bonus to him. That he would step in the octagon for free if that's what it took to participate in mixed martial arts. Now he's demanding the single biggest payday in UFC history? That seems like a pretty brash, egocentric move for the modest, model employee that I know. I am not going to sit here and pretend I know all that much about the UFC, but I do know that trying to play hardball with Dana White is a losing proposition. Conor McGregor may think he is worth $10 million a fight. He may think he is imperative to the success of the company. You know who else was imperative to the success of the UFC? Jon Jones...until he wasn't. George St. Pierre...until he wasn't. Ronda Rousey...until she wasn't. Holly Holm...until she wasn't. Conor McGregor is undoubtedly a star, but he's not an irreplaceable star. Hell, he's a star that's coming off a match in which he got the life choked out of his lungs. Pretty strange time to start making ultimatums if you ask me. The fact of the matter is that the business model that Dana White has created is dependent on no man or woman. The UFC has continued to grow despite Ronda Rousey getting roundhouse kicked into a new career path. The ratings will continue to blossom even if Conor McGregor decides to leave UFC with the lasting image of him napping in front of the nation. This may come as a surprise, but Conor McGregor is not actually as important as he - himself - would lead you to believe. His retirement may have been a ploy to get more money, but I wouldn't put it past someone like Dana White to spitefully turn that retirement into a reality - whether Conor likes it or not. P.S. There are definitely better ways to say goodbye... |
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