YardBarker- Shockey and Sapp have been publicly going at it off and on since 2012, when Sapp accused Shockey of being the whistleblower in the New Orleans Saints’ bounty scandal. Shockey responded by attacking Sapp’s character. More recently, Shockey mocked Sapp when the Hall of Famer was arrested on some embarrassing charges.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold, and it doesn't get any colder than posting a man's bankruptcy papers on the internet for all to see. I absolutely love that Jeremy Shockey had to be told that going through someone else's mail - never mind broadcasting a picture of the contents to the entire world - was illegal before deleting his tweet, but common sense is no friend of true vengeance. Almost can't even blame J-Shock for tearing into that letter like he was a kid on Christmas. Life isn't some heartfelt, straight-to-cable movie about doing the right thing. You don't have the ultimate retribution placed in the palm of your hand then immediately hop in the car and drive it over to it's proper owner. You rip that shit open and find the quickest way possible for it to reach the most amount of people, so Twitter it is. I don't know how Jeremy Shockey ended up with Warren Sapp's mail, and - quite frankly - I don't care. I just know that this is just another reminder not to throw stones when you live in a glass house. Warren Sapp threw his last rock by trying to accuse Jeremy Shockey of being the primary snitch in the BountyGate scandal, and he left himself vulnerable and accessible with a list of transgressions that would make Pacman Jones blush. I have to assume it was nothing more than fate that brought Warren Sapp's most embarrassing of parcels to the morally compromised hands of his sworn enemy. It's either that or Sapp sold his previous residence to someone whose image he tried to publicly tarnish and then forgot to change his mailing address. That might even be too dumb for the guy that openly admitted to multiple counts of soliciting prostitutes, but I would have to check my sources to say so definitively.
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I don't mean to come off as the obnoxious hockey fan that expects athletes to perform through any and all injuries no matter the circumstance, but what the FUCK was that?!? If two guys are going to collide due to their own negligence and then lay there lifelessly while play goes on around them then they better be braindead or unconscious. I'm not saying running into another man at full speed with no protection doesn't hurt, but if it's not going to hurt enough to sideline you for the rest of the game then you have to at least attempt to hit the cutoff man. Let's be real, all these guys did was trip over each other and fall in some dirt. I've seen elementary schoolers do a better job persevering through similar collisions. Two multimillion dollar athletes just lying there in their own self pity like they play for the 'Bad News Bears' while they let a runner casually round the bases on their watch? I don't feel bad for Marcell Ozuna and Giancarlo Stanton. Calling off a teammate on a fly ball is something you learn in grade school. I feel bad for their teammates because they missed out on a prime opportunity to ream them out because they were too concerned for their health. I'm sure they would have been screaming "GET UP!!!" until they went hoarse if they knew these two were going to be spry as a spring chicken the next time their name came up in the batting order. This is why I just can't watch baseball until October. Not because the sport isn't "tough" enough for me per se, but because I can't act like the outcome of mid-May games matters when the participants would rather let a runner score - while wallowing in self imposed scraps and bruises - than even attempt to move a muscle and potentially strand a runner.
YardBarker- “We were stuck in traffic, so pretty much cars surrounding us all over,” Peter Radford explained. “All of a sudden, I see a silver Ferrari or a silver sports car pull in behind us. “I see this Ferrari has it’s flashers on. It’s actually making way for us to get through and navigate all the traffic."
“Once we actually get through all the traffic, this silver Ferrari comes over to the side and waves to my partner,” Radford recalled. “And my partner goes ‘Do you have any idea who that is?’ And of course I’m clueless. ‘That’s Kevin Durant.’ “He waves to me. I just thought that was so cool that someone like Kevin Durant would take the time to assist this emergency vehicle getting to an emergency call.” “I saw the ambulance from behind me, and it was kind of slow in front of me, and I moved over,” the Thunder star said. “I said, ‘I’m just going to follow the ambulance so I can get through traffic real quick.’ So I moved over. I can’t take full credit for that.” When Kevin Durant and the oh-so-lucky members of his brain trust sit down this offseason I want them to remember this specific moment. The day that an entire city was praising his selfless efforts to follow an active ambulance through traffic. Knighting him as some sort of hero for pulling up behind a medical vehicle that I'm assuming had it's sirens on and using the flashers on his Ferrari to "guide" them through the safest path to salvation. For a guy that has a seemingly contentious relationship with reporters there is no better city than Oklahoma City. After all, Oklahoma City is the only NBA destination that could turn a story about Kevin Durant using the presence of an emergency vehicle to get home a couple minutes earlier into a story about Kevin Durant valiantly parting bumper-to-bumper traffic out of the goodness of his heart. Pretty tough to complain about how you are covered in the media when the media is sucking your dick for the most commonest of courtesy in letting an ambulance have the right of way. The idea that the roadway was being cleared on behalf of Kevin Durent may be the most asinine thing I have ever heard. Cars were pulling over because that's what cars are supposed to do when they hear a siren blaring. Kevin Durant wasn't the one that caused that, he was the one that was trying to take advantage of that. All the power to him because I would likely do the same thing, I just wouldn't expect to get my proverbial ass patted for it on the evening news. He might as well just sign that long term extension now. If Kevin Durant is dead set on living a life without scrutiny then staying in a place that treats basic human decency as an act that is worthy of being carried through town upon the shoulders of strangers is a no brainier.
BarDown- During the Dallas Stars and St. Louis Blues’ second round matchup, the Dallas Zoo and the St. Louis Zoo made a friendly wager on Twitter that involved scooping up elephant poop in the winning team’s gear. With the series all wrapped up and the Blues focusing on the Sharks, Dallas Zoo Vice President of Guest Experiences Sean Greene stepped up and took one for the team.
Look, I appreciate this guy owning up to his defeat by shoveling a literal shit ton of elephant dung. He just made a crucial mistake in doing so. If there is the potential for you to have to follow up a soul crushing loss by cleaning up the waste of a 12,000 pound animal then you make sure you are prepared to do so immediately after your team's season ends. I know it seems weird to plan for the worst, but this guy needed a helmet, a Blues jersey, and a fresh mound of shit at his disposal within seconds of watching the Stars' championship hopes shoot out of the sky and crash violently back down to Earth. If he had paid up in that moment it wouldn't have even felt like that bad of a settlement. The truest of sports fans take losses hard. Like irrationally hard. Almost like we deserve to be punished for the performance of our favorite players. That's why you never wash away a crippling defeat with an ice cold beer. You drown it in piss warm 'Wild Turkey' straight out of the bottle. Hold the glass and hold the ice, because a good old torching of the rest of your remaining insides is the only way to feel alive after having your heart ripped out of your chest. Scooping poop? That's nothing compared to the level of masochism the die hard fan feels after a Game 7 collapse. I have never been into S&M, but ask me after my team blows a late lead and I might just agree to hire a dominatrix to give me one of everything sans the happy ending. The moments in which your entire mood has been completely compromised by something you had absolutely nothing to do with are the moments in which nothing else can possibly make you feel worse. Not sickness, not verbal or physical abuse, and certainly not the smell of Horton's breakfast. If you have bad news then let me hear it when my cold dead eyes are staring blankly at a bunch of athletes - in the wrong colored jerseys - celebrating on my television screen. That's the point when you can barely feel feelings, never mind acknowledge the aroma of elephant excrement. I respect what this guy did by manning up, but for further reference there was a much more bearable time to do it. P.S. Would have been more fitting if he was forced to shovel shit in a Stars jersey, but I guess I can't hate corporate zoo employees for not understanding how embarrassing bets are supposed to work.
Full disclosure, I am not a sign person. Maybe that's because I subconsciously want to trick people into thinking I am an adult. Maybe it's because I don't have the insatiable thirst for attention while I am - at the very least - half in the bag at sporting events. Maybe it's because carrying excess crap is a hassle that would undoubtedly have me looking for the nearest garbage can by the end of the first period. Maybe it's because the one time I sat behind someone with a sign I was at a college football game and it was the closest I have ever been to committing homicide. Whatever the case may be, taking a marker to some construction paper in attempt to get myself on television is not something that's on my resume as a sports fan. I suppose the people that do it can occasionally add to the televised viewing experience, but I think even then you have to know where the line is and this undoubtedly crosses it. It's not that the content it all that insulting, but holding up that sign after the person it's directed at was carried off the ice - by multiple people - on a stretcher just seems a little heartless to me. Hell, I would have felt pretty damn stupid pressing it up against the glass for all to see after Ben Bishop basically killed off a 5 minute major - that ultimately was key to Tampa's victory - by himself, never mind when he was writhing in pain as he and the rest of the hockey world all but assumed his season had come to an untimely end. Take it from someone that's been never been accused of being overly sensitive, you might want to chalk all that "hard work" up as a loss when your cutesy attempt at a joke makes you look like a ruthless, black hearted asshole. Maybe give the guy that just potentially had his dreams shattered in front of thousands upon thousands of people a pass for his hypothetical choice in condiments. I don't think that's too much to ask, even out of the most desperate of attention whores. Sidenote: If there is one position in sports that I would want filled by a person that prefers Hunt's to Heinz in terms of Ketchup then it's goaltender. Hockey goalies are notoriously strange. Just take a look at Braden Holtby. The guy's pregame routine would make you think that reliving episodes of 'Criminal Minds' was a hobby of his, but he's one of the best the league has to offer between the pipes. As far as I am concerned, the weirder the better when it comes to defending my team's net. Nothing weirder than actually enjoying overly sweet, semi-vinegary tomato paste, but if making their finger foods less appetizing to the general public inherently makes someone better at stopping pucks then I would include a lifetime supply of Hunt's in their contract. LakersNation- During Tuesday’s show of ESPN’s First Take, Stephen A. Smith claimed DeRozan has made it very clear he wants to come to Los Angeles this summer:
“He’s made it very, very clear that he wants to be in L.A.,” Smith said of DeRozan’s intentions in free agency. “He has family out there. He’s from out there. He wants to be in L.A. He wants to wear the purple and gold, and if there’s a way for it to happen, again he’s restricted, if there’s a way for it to happen, DeMar DeRozan will be in a Los Angeles Lakers uniform next season.” I know, I know. It sounds crazy since you're probably watching Toronto play as we speak and you see some guy out there wearing #10 that bears a eery resemblance to DeMar DeRozan. Unfortunately, according to a handful of extremely reputable sources he is - indeed - already a Los Angeles Laker. If he doesn't have an equally talented twin brother then we are clearly in the middle of an Adam Banks situation and he's been playing for the wrong team this whole time. As far as I can tell he's contractually obligated to the Lakers from now until at least 2019 even if he has yet to sign on any sort of dotted line. Really hope someone can make the call over to American Airlines Arena so the integrity of this series between the Raptors and the Heat doesn't end up more compromised than it already has been. In all seriousness though, DeMar DeRozan probably will end up in Los Angeles for a variety of reasons. He's from there. He has family there. Southern California is nicer than Canada. The Lakers are a more prestigious franchise than the Raptors. The Buss family will likely show up to his doorstep on bended knees with an open mouth, a non-existent gag reflex, and a proverbial truckload of future financial stability. All signs point to him eventually heading down the Pacific Coast Highway. So why do we have to discuss while he's in the midst of a tightly contested playoff series that his team stands a hell of a chance of winning? It's not like it's an actual fact so we can't consider it "reporting". It certainly wouldn't be a surprise so it's not like we can consider it a "hot take". Literally all this does is take attention away from a playoff series that has been so shitty that it could use every eyeball it can hold for more than a handful of possessions. Chances are high that DeRozan leaves Toronto, but can we just the let the Raptors fans enjoy this short stint of relative success while it lasts?
If there is anything that I have learned from Donald Trump's Presidential campaign it's that all is fair in love, war, and shameless self promotion. That's why I don't like what the New York Riveters are doing by photoshopping the least flattering picture of Phil Kessel's fat face into a social media post, but I certainly understand it. I think it's a bit disingenuous to use the popularity of a superior player's unpopularity to get his sister noticed, but when you are in marketing for an NWHL team there's only so many ways to successfully advertise. If Phil Kessel wasn't pocketing millions upon millions of dollars and contributing significantly to a Stanley Cup contender then I just might feel bad that he's being mocked on the internet by a fucking women's hockey team. Fortunately he is so I am sure he's not all that concerned with his sibling - who would just be a (really hot, really talented) complete unknown if it wasn't for him - using his indecipherable jawline and general unlikability to sell some merchandise. The Riveters know that if they took Phil's greasy face out of that tweet and the '#BEST' away from the nameplate they would be left with a t-shirt that they would end up selling at half price to all 25 of their season ticket holders. They also know that if they make a shirt that not-so-passively insults an oft-criticized NHLer that is LOATHED in the biggest hockey city in the world then they just might get a couple hundred Maple Leafs fans to purchase it ironically. Count that extra coin ladies, but you better use some of it to fund Phil's hot dog habit or don't expect the Lord Stanley's Cup to make a pitstop in Brooklyn anytime soon. How Happy Do You Think This Woman Was To Kick The Bucket Before A New President Was Elected?5/13/2016 "Hey Grandma, what do you want us to put in your obituary?" "Oh, I don't know. I used to ride horses, but now I spend most of my time sewing together these damn pillows until my arthritis acts up, and...wait...have you guys tried this pasta casserole? It's delicious! Anyway, don't forget that thing I said about Trump or I'll haunt you from beyond the grave!" May this old woman rest in peace, and may we take solace in the fact that she had accepted death by the time she inevitably passed away. What put her at ease, you ask? No, it wasn't that she accomplished everything she wanted to accomplish in my life. It wasn't the assumed health of her loved ones. It wasn't that she was getting pretty tired of being reduced to a toddler every time she needed her diaper changed. It was that leaving this Earth when she did saved her from the heart attack she would have had during the potential inauguration of one Donald Trump. She went softly in her sleep instead of leaving it to chance whether or not she got shocked into a restless eternal slumber by the election of a 6th grade bully to run the free world. Given the horseback riding I am going to assume this lady was white. That means somewhere out there an elderly white woman went calmly into the night comfortable with the fact that the last elected official she'll ever know was a personable, even keel black man. Let's embrace that small bit of progression before November comes and the next fucking dumbass (her words and mine) in charge shoots it all to hell. DailyMail- A South Carolina barber with a history of aggressive behavior toward potential customers faces charges after pulling out a gun on a man and telling him he 'does not cut black hair', authorities said.
A York County Sheriff's Office report says when would-be customer Arthur Hill asked 65-year-old Larry Thomas what he meant, he said that is when Thomas grabbed a pistol and held it at his side. Thomas, who was arrested for pointing and presenting firearms at a person, said at the time he felt threatened and defended himself saying he is not a racist, claiming he simply is not trained in cutting African-American hair, WBTV reported. 'I told him I did not do black hair and he kept coming towards me and I stepped back here and I always keep a gun right here and I just picked up my gun and put my gun at my side,' Thomas told WBTV on Wednesday. 'That's when he got into my face and said "you meant African-American now, didn't you?"' Thomas told the station he has autism and does not like to be confronted by people, adding he never made any threats to Hill but noted that he keeps a gun at his shop for protection. 'I'm not good enough to cut it,' he told WSOCTV. 'I don't cut women's hair anymore either. It takes a skill I don't have.' I am not going to defend this barber's right to withhold service to someone because of the color of their skin. Neither am I going to defend his ability to pull a gun all willy nilly at the first sign of controversy. I will, however, defend his ability to identify his strengths and weaknesses. He's probably as racist as they come, but I'll be damned if I don't believe the redneck that stole his look from 'The Partridge Family' when he says he's not trained to cut black hair. He may not deserve it, but I will give him that benefit of the doubt. This interaction honestly shouldn't have gotten past the front door, because the only thing worse than an straggly old white guy refusing to cut the hair of a black man is a black man that asks a straggly old white guy to cut his hair. In my opinion, the person that is really doing African Americans a disservice is Arthur for WANTING Larry to come anywhere close to his precious head with any sort of buzzer or razor. Did he think the guy that hasn't let his sideburns grow down past his glasses since the 70's was capable of giving an adequate shape-up? Was he aware that he was asking a guy that modeled his mop after Shaggy from 'Scooby-Doo' for an even fade? At some point you have to realize that the best possible end game of arguing over the appropriateness of the word 'black' with an autistic bigot barber is that he decides to take your business and ends up working close to our scalp with some sort of sharp object. You deserve better Arthur, so maybe stop visiting establishments that think of you as less of a person because of your skin tone. Not only because it's a waste of your time, but because winning the argument will have you losing your upcoming battle with the mirror. PageSix- Over a lunch for Woody Allen’s latest movie “Café Society,” Blake Lively criticized the Cannes Film Festival for allowing a controversial rape joke about Allen to be part of the opening night ceremony.
“I think any jokes about rape, homophobia or Hitler is not a joke,” Lively said on Thursday when asked about the incident by a Variety reporter. “I think that was a hard thing to swallow in 30 seconds. Film festivals are such a beautiful, respectful festivals of film and artists and to have that, it felt like it wouldn’t have happened if it was in the 1940s. I can’t imagine Fred Astaire and Bing Crosby going out and doing that. It was more disappointing for the artists in the room that someone was going up there making jokes about something that wasn’t funny.” At Wednesday’s opening night screening of “Café Society,” master of ceremonies Laurent Lafitte shocked the audience when he said: “It’s very nice that you’ve been shooting so many movies in Europe, even if you are not being convicted for rape in the US.” The joke, which drew gasps from the Palais audience, was taken as a knock on Allen and possibly on director Roman Polanski as well. “But it wasn’t just Woody,” Lively said of the material. “He made three homophobic comments in a row. A Hitler joke. And a rape joke. It was all within 30 seconds … What on Earth was happening? It was really confusing.” I guess we all learned a pretty valuable lesson here. If you are going to have a comedian introduce your film at Cannes then make sure your film isn't written, produced, and directed by two guys that are alleged to have committed lewd and lascivious acts with underaged girls. Was a film festival the right time for a rape joke? Probably not. But if there was going to be people in the room that would be obvious targets of rape jokes then it probably also wasn't the right time for stand-up comedy. The real shame here is that I can't tell Blake Lively - in all her immaculate beauty - to fuck right off. I really wish I could disagree with her, but the joke in question simply wasn't funny enough for me err on the side of humor. The fact is that she couldn't be more wrong. A joke about rape, or homophobia, or Hitler can still be a joke. I know this because I have heard plenty of funny jokes about all three of those topics. She's just lucky that this didn't happen to be one of them or I would really have some disparaging words for her. It's not the subject matter that was too far out of line, it was the content and the delivery. Laurent Lafitte was inappropriate because all he really did was get up there and say "please let us not forget that the two men primarily responsible for this film may or not have molested children". Granted, that got a laugh out of me due to the sheer absurdity of it, but generally speaking it just wasn't clever enough to make up for it's offensiveness. That's why Blake Lively is right to be upset, not because a stand-up comedian used the questionable pasts of the audience members at his disposal in an attempt to get some laughs. YardBarker- This is some rather huge news regarding youth football in the United States. The nation’s oldest youth football organization, Pop Warner, announced on Thursday that it has eliminated kickoffs in its three youngest divisions starting this fall.
“The ban will take effect in the three youngest divisions when the season begins this fall. The organization said it’s aimed at significantly reducing the number of full-speed, head-on impacts in games. After the season, Pop Warner said it will evaluate the results and consider implementing the kickoff ban in older divisions as well.” We are talking about children at the height of their cognitive development continually finding themselves put in unsafe situations on the football field. In lieu of kickoffs, the ball will be placed at the 35 in three different levels of Pop Warner football with the age groups ranging from 5-10 years old being impacted. “We are constantly working to make the game safer and better for our young athletes, and we think this move is an important step in that direction, ”Pop Warner’s executive director Jon Butler said in a statement. “Eliminating kickoffs at this level adds another layer of safety without changing the nature of this great game.” Listen, I don't care if Pop Warner bans kickoffs. The kids that are out there running around with their heads in the clouds certainly don't care if Pop Warner bans kickoffs. The only people that truly care that Pop Warner is banning kickoffs need therapy, because they are clearly trying to live vicariously through their 8 year old child who they have convinced themselves is the second coming of Devin Hester. So no, I don't think this is a big deal, but I just don't like being lied to. Pop Warner should get rid of kickoffs, but they should also be forthright as to why they are doing so. Tell us your banning kickoffs because you don't want to deal with the legal and financial ramifications of a kid getting seriously hurt. Don't tell me that all the sudden - after years of having boys mindlessly sprint full speed at each other - you JUST realized that it's not the safest play in the world. This doesn't ensure the long term health of our youth. All it really does is put the onus on the next level of coaches to teach kids how to safely handle a kickoff return. Why not instill that knowledge when these kids are still too small to inflict real, life threatening injuries on each other, instead of pushing it down the line for other people to do it when they are bigger, stronger, and capable of causing more damage? I'll tell you why. Because even one child dealing with a head injury at such a young age is a horrible, horrible look for a youth sports organization. Protection is a hell of a reason to ban kickoffs, but make no mistake that this decision protects Pop Warner just as much as it protects it's participants.
YardBarker- The Texas Association of Sports Officials (TASO) has been made aware of the incident involving our members during the Texas High vs. Whitehouse Baseball game this past weekend. Our organization has an established process to address serious complaints of this nature.
TASO will conduct a thorough investigation regarding all aspects of the 3 game series and take any necessary action based on the outcome of the investigation. As always, our organization is committed to our Texas student athletes to ensure a fair and impartial outcome of every game. If we're looking for positives here then this is a pretty huge win for Texas high school baseball. I imagine everyone has seen 'Friday Night Lights' so we had a pretty good idea that some shady shit was going on during football season, but attempting to manipulate the outcome of baseball games is taking it to a whole new level. Especially when the attempt couldn't possibly be mistaken as anything else. What other reason could this guy possibly have had for scurrying over to home plate looking lie he forgot to turn the oven off and intentionally covering every spec of it with dirt before the runner rounded third? This was about as subtle as the forearm Dion Waiters put into Manu Ginobili's chest at the end of Game 2. Even Tim Donaughy is embarrassed by this guy's lack of candor. Do we even need the investigation? This guy was so desperate to make a difference in the game that the only investigation that should be taking place should be directed at the most wealthy parent on the opposing team. Assuming there isn't a sports book for high school baseball that's the only possible explanation for what I just saw. I don't know which oil tycoon's son plays for the Whitehouse Wildcats, but he's not going to be happy that this umpire procrastinated fixing this game for so long that he had no choice but to partake in the most obvious and unproductive form of sabotage these eyes have ever seen. Ever stayed up late to write a paper, accidentally fallen asleep, woken up like 30 minutes before it's due and just thrown a heap helping of trash on the page just so you had something to hand in? That's what this reminded me of. This umpire put off completing his ethically compromising assignment, and just needed to be able to show the man that paid him off that he tried. Unfortunately he also showed the whole world via a viral video that he surely didn't know was being taken, but that's just 2016 for ya.
Waterworks. Absolute waterworks. Like chopping onions during allergy season while watching Julius visit Gary in the hospital and G-Baby slowly passing away in the picture-in-picture. I went into this video thinking it wasn't going to get this emotional and as soon as this guy's hand got inches away from the Cup it's like someone hit the handle and immediately flushed out my tear ducts. I know hockey fans - such as myself - constantly talk about how the Stanley Cup is the greatest trophy in sports, but it's tough to argue against that when you see stuff like this. Really gives you an idea of why the players are so speechless after hoisting it. It's the only trophy in sports for which one touch of it can nearly make up for almost 30 years of lost sight. Between the sheer size of it, the decades upon decades of history etched into it, and the tradition behind it, I can't imagine not being overwhelmed by it's presence. I don't want to trivialize blindness, but in a way I am jealous that I will never have a moment as special as this guy just had with his son. If there was a way to bottle the feeling this man had as his hands rode up the sides of the biggest piece of hockey history the retail on it would be priceless. And to do it with his son for which he shares such a close bond through the sport? It just doesn't get any better than that. Now excuse me while I stand in the mirror for the next half hour and try to blink the redness out of my eyes... DailyDot- Men are haunted by the fear of someone walking in on a self-love session. And since people moms and roommates alike will no doubt continue to walk into dudes' rooms without knocking, it’s critical that compulsive dick-chokers have an easy way to escape embarrassment.
It’s called the JerkShirt. The “patent-pending” garment comes to us from the horny minds at CamSoda, who, according to their press release, want nothing more than “to provide undercover masturbatory pleasure.” The product is essentially a dress shirt with a prosthetic arm—so that guys can use their free hand to massage their man meat without paranoia. The JerkShirt also features a stain-resistant splash guard to help with those... messes. You know what's genuinely concerning about the mass production of a shirt that allows people to jerk off in public places without guilt, shame, or the threat of an arrest? The fact that a company - albeit a porn company - thought that it would be a profitable business venture. If there is anyone that knows just how goddamn disgustingly perverted we are as a gender, it's those that have a live online ticker of the amount of people that view every type of XXX-rated video you could possibly imagine. Those people sat in a conference room and AGREED that the masses would be interested in purchasing a button-down with a prosthetic arm attached just so they don't have to abstain from ruthlessly tugging on their dick around strangers. In fact, they were so sure that they created a website, a promotional video, and a pre-order list for it. The moment I found out that there are people trying to profit off the people that consider a $50 shirt that allows you to masturbate in public a worthy investment may be the moment where I felt the single most pity for our country, and that includes last week when I came to realization that Donald Trump might become President. Money is money, but money made off enabling people to fuck themselves anywhere they please is undoubtedly a little bit dirtier. That's the stickiest of green and sadly it's the kind that's legal in all 50 states. You know who I really feel bad for here. The guy out there whose favorite shirt is an oversized light blue button-down with white dots that he bought at Macy's. There's a good chance that this is all a gag to get this porn company some publicity, but eventually it WILL go viral and people WILL believe it. When it does that poor bastard wearing his favorite shirt is going to be getting a lot of looks that he would rather not be getting. Let's just hope he didn't have a Chubb's-type incident in his past or his prosthetic hand will really leave him stigmatized.
PFT- Per a source with knowledge of the situation, Hardy’s agent, Drew Rosenhaus, has sent to all teams detailed information regarding the activities in which Hardy has been engaged in order to identify and cure any and all disorders that may have contributed to past misbehavior, on and/or off the field.
Hardy has been evaluated and treated by multiple NFL physicians, with Dr. Heidi Bruty recently documenting the various steps and stages of individual and group counseling, along with other methods. Topics included his anger management, temper management, domestic violence, and evaluation for ADHD. Hardy also is learning more about impulsive decision making, and he is being assessed for personality, mood, learning, and speech disorders. This year, Hardy has participated in at least 24 psychiatric therapy sessions, and he will continue to receive treatment and evaluation aimed at preventing the issues that plagued him in the past. He also is taking classes at the University of Mississippi. Counseling? Why does Greg Hardy need counseling? I guess the anger and temper management can't be the worst thing for him, but domestic violence? How many times do we have to go over this guys? Greg Hardy said it himself, he never placed his hands on a woman in his whole entire life... That's why this is simply a terrible career decision. I'm not exactly a qualified sports agent, but telling potential employers that you went to therapy to convince you not to hit women anymore kind of implies that you have hit a woman before. Since we know for a fact that Greg Hardy has never done that then I can't see how this is a good way to get him back on the field. I don't know too many people that have gotten counseling for domestic violence without actually committing it, but I do know that it didn't increase their list of job opportunities. Once you choose to go with the 'deny, deny, deny' philosophy there is no changing your mind. There's no such thing as 'deny, deny, get the necessary treatment and beg for mercy'. That's never been one of the options on the list of PR strategies. If Greg Hardy was going to apologize for something he obviously didn't do then he should have done so when this story first broke so teams could take the appropriate amount of time to see how wrong their perception of him was. Now he just looks like a schizo that vehemently pleaded his innocence for months upon months before agreeing to get help and indirectly admitting he's guilty of something he clearly didn't do. DailyMail- It was a dramatic tale: A man was attacked on the side of a road and badly wounded the day before he was to report to prison in an Oregon mortgage fraud scheme.
Shannon Egeland told police he had stopped to help a pregnant motorist when he was hit in the head and shot. That story turned out to be false, but the truth was equally bizarre. Egeland, 41, has admitted he ordered his teenage son to shoot him in the legs so he could delay his prison term and collect on a disability insurance policy. The shooting broke a bone in one of Egeland's legs and led to the amputation of one of his feet. On Wednesday, the former Bend developer pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud, a charge that stemmed from the disability insurance policy he applied for a week before the shooting. Egeland was vice president of the now-defunct Desert Sun Development, which orchestrated tens of millions of dollars in mortgage fraud during central Oregon's real estate boom and bust from 2004 to 2008. And the answer is...MORTGAGE FRAUD!!! That's right, the man that ordered his son shoot him in the legs to delay his sentencing was a WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL! Would you look at that face? I had repeated acts of sexual assault as the clear favorite. I don't have the exact numbers in front of me, but if we are talking felonies committed by someone that's willing to take a bullet then I have to imagine that "mortgage fraud" had about the same odds as Leicester City did to win the Premier League. The most I thought a person that was arrested for embezzling money would do to avoid jail time is flea the country or get cosmetic surgery and move to the boondocks. Nope, not this guy. He didn't just lay down on his stomach and take it like those other Ponzi Schemers. He immediately made up a totally believable story in which he randomly got shot by an unknown person while helping a pregnant motorist. Not only that, but then he left his home office and told his now traumatized teenager to blow his kneecaps off like he owed him drug money. He may be a scumbag that cost people millions upon millions of dollars, but don't you dare say he's not persistent. Criminals that are inevitably going to be put behind bars are always trying to push back their court dates, but how many would give up one of their fucking feet to do so? You can give him a life sentence for all I care, but make sure he gets that disability insurance policy. He's at least earned that with a last gasp financial scam that can only be described as courageous. LBS- A representative for the former Olympian told the New York Daily News on Thursday that there is no truth to the “idiotic” report about Jenner having second thoughts about becoming a woman.
“Not worth commenting on such an idiotic report,” Jenner’s rep said. “Of course it’s not true.” Ian Halperin, who wrote a book about the Kardashian family, claims he was told by multiple sources that Jenner has been “miserable” for months and is considering transitioning back to a man. Halperin says he was told Jenner is happy she has been able to raise awareness for transgender issues but is struggling with still being attracted to women. You can read more of what Halperin’s sources said here. I can't believe I am going to say this, but I actually agree with Caitlyn Jenner. The people that really think that she would transition back to being a man so shortly after becoming a woman are simply being ridiculous. I mean, are they at all familiar with her past? I'm not saying she doesn't want to go back to being a man. I'm sure she does. I'm sure after the initial wave of praise, positivity, and awards finally began to wore off she started to realize that living life as a pre-op transsexual lesbian isn't all its cracked up to be. However, if there's one thing I know about Caitlyn Jenner it's that she is very stubborn when it comes to life altering decisions. For Christ's sake, it took her over 60 years to admit to herself that she was a woman, you think she's going to turn her back on her new gender this fast? Hell no. She'll be dead and gone by the time she will have let her uncomfortableness in her new body result in another sex change. She doesn't have enough time left on this Earth to let her insecurities overcome her yet again. If we have learned anything about Caitlyn Jenner over the course of the last couple years it's that she's the type of person to stay in a terrible relationship for far too long. Her rocky relationship with masculinity lasted about 5 decades longer than it should have, and her new, tumultuous relationship with femininity will carry her well into the afterlife. She committed herself to this long term arrangement, but the honeymoon period is over and she's starting to have second thoughts. That doesn't mean she is going to act on them. It's readily apparent that she is never going to be happy anyway, so she might as well ride this new marriage unhappily into the sunset. At least then she can die a hero to the LGBT community, instead of dying a fraud that took transsexuality for literally all it was worth and left it standing there stranded at the alter. 9News- Tennis star Serena Williams was recently tempted enough by her dog Chip's tasty-looking dog food to take a bite, but she definitely ended up regretting it. The 34-year-old pro told the whole story on Snapchat, explaining that the hotel in Rome she's staying at has a fancy "Doggy Menu," and that the dishes look exactly like human food. After noting that her Yorkie's beef and vegetable dish looked better than her own food, she decided to try Chip's salmon and rice dish the next day.
"Don't judge me, I ate a spoonful!" Serena admitted. "Let's fast forward to two hours -- I just ran to the toilet. Like, I thought I was gonna pass out." "It did taste weird," she added. "I forced swallowed it ... it tasted a little bit like a house cleaner kind of thing." "I don't think it's consumable for humans ... and they should have wrote that!" she joked. "I am on the struggle boat. I guess I'm going to look really svelte on the court tomorrow." "But really though, what was I thinking? 15 euros for a soup, yesterday I paid 18 euros for beef and chicken, and today I paid 15 euros for that stuff that's making me go to the bathroom," she explained. Serena later left a kind note on the doggy menu should another person fall into the same trap. "IF YOU ARE HUMAN -- DO NOT EAT. IT MAKES YOU SH*T!" she wrote as a hilarious disclaimer. First of all, that deluxe dog food looks like...well...what I would expect deluxe dog food to look like. I thought she was going to show me some plated dish that resembled a 5-Star human meal with a little doggy bone sticker on the side to clarify. Nope, just a bowl of chopped up unseasoned salmon and white rice. Hey Serena, here's a pro tip - stick to the food that they are feeding to living creatures that know how to verbally complain. Not saying that your dog's food looked terrible. In fact, it kind of looked like something you could get at your local mall food court for $5. That being said, they aren't serving the fresh caught salmon and the finest of rice to pets that don't know how to use 'Yelp!'. Dog food is dog food for a reason and it's not because it's cut up into easily consumable bites. It's because dog's will eat fucking anything. Taste isn't guaranteed when the kitchen knows the intended recipient stands no chance of sending it back. You aren't paying $20 per doggy dish because it's gourmet dining, you're paying $20 per doggy dish because it doesn't look like your average dog food. If they were serving up kibbles and bits they couldn't justify robbing pretentious assholes that are requesting their own dog menu. It's all about looking like you are getting your money's worth. That's why they don't mind giving your pooch the fish that they accidentally marinated in 'Pledge', because your dog won't know the difference and they didn't expect the person pompous enough to order off a dog menu to reduce themselves to actually consuming something off of it. Get A Load Of This Student Shaking Another Student Out Of His Shoes In A Game Of Classroom Hoops5/12/2016 All this video taught me is that the white student has never, EVER played in a game of pickup hoops. I suppose it's not surprising given his lack of athletic prowess, but it's pretty clear that not once has he been put in a position to guard someone better than him one-on-one. Unless you actually play basketball in meaningful games, the first time you get flat out embarrassed should be the last. If there is anything I have learned during my time on this Earth it's that when the stakes of the game are low, the risk is far higher than the reward of playing tight man-to-man defense. Unfortunately this guy learned the hard way by getting shaken out of his loafers in front of his peers instead of being able to blame the slippery floor at the local YMCA, but he had to learn regardless. You can bet your ass the next time he'll gladly play some James Harden defense and give up the wide open midrange jumper instead of trying to channel his inner Kawhi Leonard and getting treated like Andrea Bargnani. You have to know your strengths, and when you're the dorky white kid with the yellow shirt/khakis combo playing in whatever pair of dress shoes were on sale at Aldo last week your strength in undoubtedly not staying in the hip pocket of the black kid with the wicked step back. That's how you end getting smoked right out of your formal footwear.
YardBarker- When Brees originally signed his five-year, $100 million contract, it was thought by pretty much everyone that a new extension would be worked out at some point. After all, the thought of any player in the NFL making $30 million in a single year, when the cap can get so tight, was just ludicrous.
But here we are, with NFL free agency in the rear-view mirror and the Saints having signed all but one of their incoming rookies. Suddenly, it might not be as big a deal as we thought. That said, the Saints don’t exactly have a tremendous cap situation going on right now, so the conversations between Condon and the Saints could take a turn soon. Okay, so let's just assume that this story isn't just obvious posturing by Brees' agent Tom Condon. What would he have to gain from going on a nationally broadcast studio show and declaring that his client's employer isn't willing to negotiate a new deal that would pay him an exorbitant amount of money well past this year? This declaration is clearly 100% true because we heard right from the horse's ass...I mean...mouth. What would the Saints absorbing Drew Brees' $30 million dollar cap hit mean for this year? Short answer, I don't fucking know. The way everyone was talking I thought the Saints entered the offseason with barely enough room under the salary cap to afford flights to the draft, never mind paying for 3 players in the first two rounds after signing quite a few notable free agents. If Mickey Loomis has somehow fit the entirety of the Saints current roster within the financial restrictions then I guess that it doesn't matter whether or not Drew Brees' works out a new contract. It's not like they are set to make any expensive acquisitions between now and when the season starts. It's not ideal to have your quarterback taking up 20% of your cap when you have a 53 man roster, but no matter what took place this offseason the Saints were going to be far from an ideal fiscal situation. What would the Saints absorbing Drew Brees' $30 million dollar cap hit mean after this year? Well, for starters it would mean that there is a lot of pressure on him to earn a new contract while in the last year of his current contract. I fully expect that there are a couple good seasons left in Brees' arm before he goes the way of Peyton Manning, but that's far from a certainly as he looks to turn 38 by the end of the season. It would give the Saints a clear out if he ages before our eyes in the next 8 months, but having his contractual status hovering over the franchise until next February isn't exactly optimal either. So let's just hope that his agent is full of shit, because as much you don't want to keep reading about my elementary knowledge of the salary cap, I don't know want to keep writing about it either. |
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