I will say this...
This is great signing for the Clippers. Low risk. Moderately high reward. Adds even more versatility to a bench that lacked any whatsoever just a few short months ago. It solidifies the team's depth and gives them yet another big body that can block shots and make an impact defensively, even if he is inconsistent at best offensively. Josh Smith on a one year, veteran minimum deal can only give the Los Angeles Clippers more options and an increased likelihood of making a run at a championship. At the very least having him on the bench will all but guarantee he isn't on the other side of the floor closing his eyes and inexplicably nailing four 3 pointers in one nightmarish quarter. If he is going to have an impact on the Clippers season, it's best to make sure it isn't by turning a historical Western Conference Finals appearance into an epic, soul crushing loss. That, in itself, makes this signing a win for Clippers fans. But, I will also say this... I fucking hate Josh Smith. Always have, always will. Hated him on the Hawks. Hated him on the Pistons. Hated him on the Rockets. I may find a way to appreciate his talents this season, but it's going to take some soul searching. Doesn't matter how many times I watch him shoot the lights out against the Clippers in the playoffs (Ha! Just kidding. Never, ever, ever, ever watching highlights of the end of that series), I will never accept the fact that he can occasionally make a jump shot. I don't care how many times it results in points, I will always think of a possession that ends with Josh Smith taking a shot more than an arm's length away from the rim as a wasted possession. You know the unfair treatment Austin Rivers got before breaking out in the playoffs? That collective groan that came over the crowd when he went up to take a jumper? I am already looking forward to giving that very same treatment to Josh Smith. That's not to say that he can't add something to this team, but it is to say that I will always, deep down to my very core, hate Josh Smith. Let's just hope I can do it gleefully as he lifts the Larry O'Brien trophy at the end of the year.
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SportsNet- Defenceman Vojtech Mozik isn’t likely to forget his first day as a New Jersey Devil. The 22-year-old Czech arrived a day late for a development camp because of a visa problem and a bag short because of an airline problem. The problem was compounded because the missing bag had Mozik’s hockey equipment, forcing him to take the ice Tuesday with new skates, gloves and sticks. Not only were they not broken in, he used them after three hours of sleep. His plane didn’t get in until the wee hours of the morning. While Mozik didn't feel he showed much in his session with fellow defenders, the Devils are hoping that the offensive-minded defenceman can make the jump to the NHL after three seasons in the Czech Republic's top league. "He wasn't terrible," Devils coach John Hynes said. "It was good of him to actually go on the ice." "He came in and was a good sport about it," Hynes said. "We just at least wanted to get him out there and experience some of the skills stuff." Mozik was not impressed with his performance after what he termed "a crazy trip." His flight from the Czech Republic to London was delayed an hour and he had to run through the airport to make his connection for a six-hour flight. "It was really hard and I was terrible," said Mozik, adding he hopes to have his equipment back for Wednesday's 3-on-3 drills. "I will do my best and I think it will be good," Mozik said. "I will play hard and we will see now. But I really want to play in the NHL and I will do everything for it and for the New Jersey Devils organization and I'm so really happy that New Jersey gave me the chance." I don’t think I will ever get over the fact that the name Vojtech should be reserved for some robot built by Vladimir Putin in a Russian basement with designs to infiltrate United States government. Yeah, I know he's not even Russian, but I'll be damned if he doesn't sound like he should be. Regardless, I got to feel bad for him here. Poor guy. I honestly think he should have just called hopped on a flight back to the Czech Republic after learning that his hockey gear didn’t make the trip over. No good comes out of playing in equipment that isn’t yours. You could give me a stick that was a 1/4 inch longer than my usual hockey stick and you would think I hadn't played the sport in 5 years. Hockey players are very particular about routine, and even more particular about their 'tools of the trade'. As much as my sex life wishes this weren’t the case, you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. No one in the history of hockey has made a a good first impression in second hand equipment. Furthermore, no man has ever performed to the best of his abilities within hours of dealing with airline troubles. Shit, I could take a 4 hour domestic flight that went swimmingly and still get home and need a day to recover. Granted, that's mostly because my vacations are boozefests, but the point remains. It's impossible to look good after flying international and having to deal with the stress and uncertainty caused by delays and lost baggage. I would barely look like a functional human after being in that scenario, never mind having to jump on a new, North American sized ice surface and competing with NHL prospects on a few hours of sleep. Do you need more of a hint as to how Mozik played than John Hynes saying “he wasn’t terrible”. Gee, thanks coach. Real vote of confidence there. Mozik knows he sucked, he said so himself. We're still in the honeymoon phase of your time as Devils coach, but if you go around fake moaning when you get some C- dick you are setting a bad precedent for the rest of the relationship. How about you just say he looked like a European beer league player and get it over with. It’s your first day with potential members of the team, blowing a bunch of smoke is the best way to eventually get yourself fired. Metro- This one goes out to all the gooseberries out there. All those third wheels who’ve tagged along with their best mate and their plus one, feeling like their sad, only child. It’s only moderately less soul-destroying then spending every Saturday plonked in front of Netflix with your meal for one. Well, one man, known only as ‘earthyhillgivens‘ on Imgur has managed to find the humour in the situation. He’s documented his life as a third wheel to his best friend and girlfriend, in hilariously awkward, and slightly unnerving, detail. As a notoriously single man that has a lot of friends in relationships I rather resent the portrayal that this creepy bastard is giving all of us third wheels out there. There's nothing wrong with tagging along for drinks, or grabbing some dinner and bullshitting. Not every spare tire is some creep in the back that is accompanying his friends on the oddest of odysseys. Look at some of these pictures. A walk on the beach? A hike? Shopping at the mall? Jesus Christ kid, take a hint. Have some pride. Even the guy that's actually IN that relationship doesn't want to do that pointless shit. If the other two people you are spending time with are holding hands and COMPLETELY ignoring you then you are no longer the third wheel. You're the cans that get attached to the bumper of the 'Just Married' car. Just a necessary evil that's being dragged along with because no one has the heart to tell you that your presence isn't wanted. Nothing speaks to that like being thrown in the backseat like a little bitch. The fact that you were able to make an entire picture book of all the times your friends didn't care that you were there pretty much says it all. Jesus man, find a better way to spend your time. Has anyone told this kid about online dating? Here's a hint, don't include these pictures in your profile you friend stalking, relationship anchor. Realize when you are wanted, which from the looks of things is probably not all that often, and when you are getting in the way of some good, old fashioned romance. It really isn't all that hard to tell the difference. If these pictures are any indication it might be time to start following around a new couple. Either that, or pick up a hobby. I hear having consensual sex with strangers is a popular fad going around these days. BSO- “He’s not only taken a tremendous leadership role in the group, really setting the example of how you do things, he’s expanded his route inventory,” wide receivers coach Derek Dooley said last month, via ESPNDallas.com. “He’s played X. He’s played Z. He’s played in the slot and every day he went out there and was the same player. Every route, every opportunity he had he took advantage of it. So he’s made a big jump this offseason.”
No. No way. It's not possible that a report about how much improvement Terrance Williams has show over the offseason could possibly be related to the well publicized Dez Bryant holdout. The timing is simply ironic, nothing more. Who didn't think the guy that caught 37 passes last year, while Bryant was drawing double teams, would completely transform into a player that could competently fill the role of a #1 WR overnight? Better bring those contract demands back down to earth Dez, Williams is slotting mighty nicely into your old role of "best wide receiver that currently has an interest in playing for the Cowboys". Looks like 83 really studied the old route tree this summer. Sure he still runs it slower, is about 20 pounds of muscle short, and has nowhere near the ball skills that Dez Bryant does. However, don't tell me he can't run to the exact same places on the football field that #88 can. He just does so in a less timely fashion. Plus, he's like, super good at being a leader, and everyone knows that always translates to at least 500 more yards per season. I'm starting to love when teams do this, because they don't even try to be subtle anymore. Remember a month ago when the Lakers front office was talking about how Jahlil Okafor could be the next great Lakers big? When they basically called him the love child of Shaquille O'Neal and Kareem Abdul-Jabar, with the versatility of Wilt Chamberlain's cock? Yeah, that Jahlil Okafor. The same one they passed on for D'Angelo Russell because all they were really looking to do was get Minnesota to buy into the hype and pick Okafor instead of Towns. I said it then, and it turned out to be true, and I'll say it now. This is just an obvious smokescreen. A ploy to increase the value of one player and denigrate the value of another player through the media. Granted, it's not going to work, just like it didn't work with Minnesota, but you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. If Dez takes even $1 less because Terrance Williams supposedly had the best offseason in the history of offseasons then I guess this report did it's job. However, I probably would have waited more than 20 hours to release it. People might accidentally think they are related or something... Well, let's take a little journey back through time to see what I originally said about this guy.... Watching that interview is basically the same thing as watching a parody video on YouTube. That guy was like the 'Saturday Night Live' version of a pompous, bombastic Rangers fan. It was a self promotional video. Was it exaggerated? Yup. Was it douchey? It was basically the personification of the word. That's the point. I highly doubt that's the last we have heard of Will Rouse. He's a persona that doesn't exist behind closed doors. :Pats self on back: Nailed it Bob, absolutely nailed it. I stand by the fact that the "Benjamin Franklin's is killin' the game" line is absolute gold. However, just like anything else, if you repeat it 65 times in 3 minutes it's damn near nauseating. I don't even hate where this kid's head was at with this video, but the execution was cringeworthy. Either be funny or be talented, but don't get stuck in some unwatchable limbo that isn't remotely close to either. This video had an NBA player shooting a goddamn money gun and I still had to force myself to get to the end. That's never a good sign. Hey Will, I don't want to kill your spirit or anything, but how about you study every rap single that has been released since the 90's. Rule number 1 is you don't put out a single where the featured artist is better than you. Even more so when the guy outshining you is a big, goofy caucasian from fucking DUKE, of all places. Getting out-rapped by Mason Plumlee on your own track is like inviting all your friends over for a Madden tournament and then losing to your girlfriend in the first round. It's pretty embarrassing for both of you. Not the best look Mason. Come on man. You played for Team USA over the summer. You were starting to get a little bit of notoriety. People in the NBA almost forgot you were just another offensively limited, Wonder Bread white boy from Duke and then you go and do this? Thank God the Nets traded him before this song came out. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if Jay-Z got wind of Plumlee name dropping him in this sorry excuse for a song and facilitated the trade himself. You can't just plug Hova when you are rapping alongside the president of the Young Republicans and expect to play for a team of which he has part ownership. This is the rap game Mason, not a country club. Now please see your way out. Never forget the one, and only, time that Will Rouse was actually entertaining.... Larry Brown Sports- While speaking at his basketball camp recently, Kobe was asked how long it took him to learn the triangle offense when he played for Jackson.
“About 2 days,” he said, via KobeTeam.com. “I studied the triangle offense for years before. Watching the Bulls play. It was very familiar to me. The concept was something that I grasped very quickly. A couple of days.” Put it this way — J.R. Smith has no idea how Bryant was able to do that. The Knicks won just 17 games last season, and most of the players on the roster seemed so lost with the triangle offense that Jackson said to “forget about it” at one point. Now, Kobe is teaching it to his campers. “It’s a challenging offense to learn.” he said. “The one thing I’ve always heard about kids, about youth basketball, you have to give them the very very basic concepts, that you can’t give them structured offense. I don’t believe that. If you want our kids to be better, to be the best version of themselves, you have to challenge them. Kids, as you guys have proved, yet and yet again this year, will respond to that challenge and exceed expectations. I believe you guys are capable of holding on to those concepts. And when you learn those concepts at an early age, how much better are you going to be when you are older?” The shame in this is that statement is going to be viewed as braggadocios simply because it's Kobe Bryant. I think that has more to do with the fact that those associated with basketball have built up the 'The Triangle Offense' to some sort holier than thou offensive set. It's almost like Kobe saying that he understood the offense after some film study and a couple days of hands on experience is the basketball equivalent of saying that he learned quantum physics in 48 hours. Hell, Spike Lee produced an entire documentary dedicated to a single basketball concept Yeah, I understand that the 'Triangle Offense' is more complicated then your average offense, but at the end of the day it's still just predicated upon maintaining spacing though the use of a couple of elementary shapes. Kobe Bryant didn't exactly cure cancer or create his own mathematical formula. Just because JR Smith and the rest of the Knicks brain dead roster couldn't begin to process what a triangle looks like doesn't mean the Zen Master created a basketball blueprint that was beyond logical reasoning. I don't want to take too much away from Phil Jackson, because he is obviously a great coach, and his way of playing the game is obviously pretty successful. However, it wasn't just a certain offensive blueprint that won him 10 championships. Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Shaquille O'Neal, and of course, Kobe Bryant can attest to that. There was a lot of talent running the 'Triangle' back in day. It probably isn't going to look as pretty when you have the biggest ball stopper in the league, Carmelo Anthony, and a bunch of borderline NBA talent running it. That doesn't make Kobe and the rest of the players that won while playing it a group of geniuses. It makes the players that can't begin to grasp it not worthy of an NBA contract, and thus a perfect fit on the current Knicks roster. Consider this, the Knicks are so completely void of intelligence that a man who has spent his entire career teaching gave up hope of his 'students' learning after no more than 50 games. Called it quits on maintaining any sort of order and told them to go out and have fun like a bunch of 3rd graders playing in their first organized league. After coaching some of the most talented players in NBA history the state of the Knicks has got to have Phil Jackson on the brink of either a nervous breakdown or alcoholism.
Well folks, now it's all starting to come together. The devout Catholic Russell Wilson and the girl that was responsible for many an awkward boner with her 'Ride' video are a much better match than anyone could have possibly imagined. Just when I thought a professional athlete abstaining from sex was weird, it comes out that a pop singer and a rapper were getting on their knees to pray immediately after partaking in complete debauchery. The progression actually makes sense from Ciara's standpoint. The only logical thing to do after post sex praying is becoming abstinent. Luckily she found pretty much the only successful person on the planet that talks to God about the evils of vagina on a daily basis. Talk about fate! Do people still think religion is completely bogus? What do you think Russell Wilson is on his knees bedside talking to himself? Come on guys! In all seriousness, in a world where nothing is out of the question sexually, praying might be the weirdest thing a person can do with their partner in the bedroom. If anything, this is conformation that Ciara is amazing in bed. She's such a freak that she couldn't even wait until her next confessional to pray away the abominable amount of sinning that was committed throughout every square every inch of their room. You know how I know that Ciara has some bomb pussy? Because rappers don't acknowledge Jesus Christ at the request of some average ass they just received. Blow my mind sexually and I will do whatever you wish. Ask me to start talking to God after the average post-nut clarity and I'll be down the street before your elbows even hit the bed. That's just too strange to willingly participate in unless correctly motivated. Agreeing to invite Jesus into your life while your life is still covered in a cloud of stank is such an incomprehensibly weird thing to do that it must be reserved for instances where you can't risk not getting invited back again. P.S. It's got to suck for Russell Wilson. When you have a girlfriend after the age of 17 you already know she's not a virgin, but hearing people talk about her hidden temple when you're nowhere close to receiving the key can't be easy. Future didn't even say anything bad here. However, the fact that Russell Wilson is hoarding nuts for marriage must make every mention of her name seem like instigation. All he probably heard from that whole interview was "you don't know what you're missing", and I can't blame him....well except for being a born again virgin weirdo.
h/t BSO
Metro- A disabled former trucker has been seen carrying his mobility scooter up steps while claiming £1,340 a month in benefits.
Gwynfor Jones from Bournemouth claims that he is too ill to work and that he has suffered six heart attacks, a minor stroke, a kidney blockage and has ‘dodgy legs’. Mr Jones, 50, told the Sun: ‘I’m not physically capable of working and haven’t been for years. I need the scooter. I can walk up three steps before I’m buggered. ‘When I’m pulling this thing up, my legs go every single time. I have to sit and wait half an hour-plus with it resting on my legs. ‘If the DSS [Department of Work and Pensions] saw me pulling this up the stairs they would have my guts for garters. I would lose everything, I get anxious about it. ‘But if I get too anxious and depressed it could bring on an angina attack.’ The twice-divorced father-of-two has many detractors with a source close to Jones saying: ‘He doesn’t need the scooter — he is just a fat, lazy b*****d and a conman. ‘If he really had all the illnesses he claims, lifting that thing up would finish him off.’ This guy is the worst kind of person in the world. And no, it's not because he has been scamming money from the government due some fraudulent disability. No one in this world is going to stop other people from trying to get their hands on your money, so if you can make money without lifting a hand then all the power to you. This guy is the worst person in the world because he doesn't have the decency to hide it in public. When you get paid to be a fat, lazy sack of shit then your job is to be a fat, lazy sack of shit 24/7. You don't get to rub it in people's face that you are taking advantage of the system. This guy is the same as the able bodied person that borrows their grandmother's handicapped parking pass and won't even throw in a limp as he hurries into the grocery store while whistling to himself. It's like Carmelo Anthony sitting out the season as he collects a $20 million dollar salary, but deciding to play in the All Star Game. Either be injured, or don't be injured, but don't just be injured when it's convenient for you. Old Gwynfor Jones basically turned being the girl that always has a note to skip gym class into a profession. If this guy was as good at being a scumbag as his disability check dictates he would sue his apartment building for not having a ramp up to the lobby. That's my problem with him. Not that he's a disgraceful human being with no morals, but that he's really bad at being a disgraceful human being with no morals. One can only hope that the government realizes their mistake and takes every red cent they have ever given him. You can only tempt fate for so long, right? Just sitting out front in broad day light dragging a 250 pound motorized scooter up a couple of steps, but claiming he is to damaged to drive a truck and earn his paycheck. It's like getting paid a million dollars to stop seeing a man's daughter then continuing to fuck her in his bed while he's mowing the lawn. This guy is getting paid handsomely to do something that couldn't possibly be easier given the circumstances, yet he still can't adhere to his job description. Just be a handicapped guy that inconveniences all of those around you, but don't show off your abilities to be anything other than a useless, disgusting human being. At least not in public anyway. Jezebel- Gentlemen, gaze upon your crotch’s deliverance. A team of Washington, D.C. fashion designers has launched an Indiegogo campaign for their new product, Bloxers, a special variety of boxer that will shield your raging boner from view. That’s right: you can pitch a tent at work and proceed with your board meeting, happy, perhaps uncomfortably horny, but above all, protected. Each pair of Bloxers contains a “deflector shield” that covers the crotch and thus conceals the inconvenient erection. But of course, each boner is its own anatomical snowflake, and this team is prepared to meet your particular needs. From Complex: “Available in small, medium, and large, Bloxers offer three versions of the design to accommodate different guys. There’s a shield designed for those who swing to the left, one for those who swing to the right, and another for those somewhere in between.” On the surface it seems like a good idea to create a pair of underwear that makes it more convenient for men to get accidentally aroused in public without causing a scene. I guess that's my problem with it. It's too convenient. Hell, being a man, and thus being relatively carefree in comparison to our female counterparts is already convenient enough. Women have to involuntarily bleed out for one week a month, and all men have to do is avoid unsightly boners in the workplace. Part of being a man is averting such a crisis. It's one of the occupational hazards that comes as a result of being born with a penis. It keeps life interesting. It keeps things exciting. We are men. We may hide our boners, but we don't block them. We don't start slipping sheets of plastic into our under garments. I'm not so ashamed of my manhood that I feel the need to completely shield him from the world at all times. Anything that can't be veiled by a pair of boxer briefs or a well placed tuck job is just too natural to go unseen. Correct me if I am wrong, but pretty much the most important aspect of boxers is comfortability, right? You know what's not comfortable? Having one side of my genital region made of a completely different material than the other side. Giving my erection no options is not comfortable. Look at these things. Do these guys even have penises? The wasted a 1/3 of their inventory on right hanging dicks. Those aren't even a thing. I don't care if you put the materials used to built spaceships in a pair of drawers, no self respecting man is hanging to the right, whether a bunch of English wankers like it or not. How many boners could a grown man be popping in public that he feels the need to reinvent the wheel? Hey dude, maybe pull the trigger before the commute to work. Maybe stop spending your entire life walking around with a loaded gun and you won't have to constantly worry about pitching a tent. We all deal with the occasional untimely hard-on, but they certainly aren't common enough for me to replace my usually rotation of boxers. What about scenarios where I don't mind having a stiffy? I'm just supposed to grind up on a girl at the work happy hour feeling like I have the lower body of a Ken doll? Nothing sexier than telling a girl you have to change before you hit the dance floor. Nothing hotter than stripping down to your skivvies and without a bulge in sight. Why don't we just castrate the entire male population if it is so frowned upon to have a penis is public? This is like one step above tucking it between your legs. P.S. If Devinci is a genius for putting a leaf over his dick then I am basically a rocket scientist for slipping it into my waistband.
Next Impulse- Damian Lillard and the Portland Trail Blazers have had a rough off-season, basically having to hit the reset button for their franchise when LaMarcus Aldridge joined the Spurs. Even though this next season may be a bit of a struggle, Dame has found a way to let a little steam off (and does so without any curse words). Lillard dropped a new track entitled “Soldier in the Game” this week and you can stream it in its entirety above. You know what, that song wasn't half bad, and that does not bode well for Damian Lillard's basketball career. Look at the rap 'careers' of Allen Iverson and Ron Artest. The were so bad at rhyming words that they had no choice but to go back to basketball. You can only focus so much on music when the only people complimenting you are those in your entourage. The problem here is that Damian Lillard is actually worthy of some praise outside of his inner circle. How do you think Damian Lillard is going to use his free time when the Trail Blazers are inevitably like 15 games under .500 by the All-Star break? I guarantee it won't go towards working on his jump shot. Better put a mini-hoop in that studio. He's not playing to win anymore. The Blazers roster is cringeworthy. He's not playing for a contract anymore. He just got a 5 year max deal. A 5 year max deal that is going right to financing the production on his debut album. Fuck his footwork, Dame DOLLA needs to work on his ad-libs. Assist to turnover ratios don't earn street cred. Bad bitches and number one hits do. If he was smart he would give Gilbert Arenas a call. Every rap entourage needs a wildcard. Damian already mastered the whole professional basketball player thing. It's time to take the rap game by the balls, and that is no part time job. Time to turn 'Rip City' into 'Rap City' while the Trail Blazers head straight to the 'The Basement' of the Western Conference. P.S. I got to say, risky maneuver to not curse. Only so many words to rhyme without pandering to the lowest common denominator. Doesn't Damian know that you can include Jesus in your rap-cronym and still spit reprehensible bars? Only God can judge you Dame DOLLA, and as long as the beat is bumping I am sure our Lord and Savior can overlook a questionable barb about fucking before marriage or using his name in vain. Just When Anthony Davis' Life Couldn't Possibly Seem More Awesome I Find Out He Has A Pet Monkey7/14/2015
USA Today- Anthony Davis might just have the cutest pet in the NBA. Davis posted a photo of “Meek,” a marmoset, to Instagram a few weeks ago, but his connection to the monkey remained vague. On Friday, Ric Bucher confirmed that Meek is actually Davis’ pet, and he even wears tiny little monkey diapers. It’s so small you could put it on Davis’ forehead and mistake it for his unibrow.
There are a lot of reasons for me to be jealous of Anthony Davis. He's 22 years old. He's probably 3 years from being the undisputed best player in the NBA. He signed $145 million dollar deal. He lives in New Orleans, AKA the greatest city on earth. Hell, Anthony Davis' life is so goddamn awesome that we just stop acknowledging one of the all-time greatest unibrows. Talk about playing above the rim in terms of scrutiny. Regardless, who would have thought the thing that really put me over the edge was his pet monkey? I think he just made the fact that athletes can have whatever they want that much more real for me. Sure, professional athletes are supposed to have ridiculously overpriced cars. The are supposed to have lavish houses. They are supposed to walk into a bar and have a pick of the litter. They aren't supposed to have South American primates as pets. This just seems like a Chappelle Show skit come to fruition. Remember when he was making baby dinosaur omelettes on 'Cribs'? I just imagine his personal assistant being like "Anthony Davis, what's the first thing you are going to buy with your new contract?". And he just stood there stone faced and said "I want a baby marmoset, and while you're at it get him his own babysitter and a pack of mini-diapers. That's some baller shit". I know animal rights groups will argue that it's not right to own a pet that is native to the wild, never mind native to a completely different country. I would argue, however, that that monkey is too damn cute to not be pampered by a human being. Plus, if you are going to own a wild animal you have to make sure you get them as a baby. That marmoset barely knows it's a marmoset. Just avoid the Discovery Channel and it should be smooth sailing. Even if it's not, could you really get mad at that little guy? I feel like even if he threw his pellet sized poop at me I would still let out an audible 'awwww' before calling his babysitter for an emergency visit. Shit, I'm so jealous I might put a hit out on the handler and then apply for the job. As they say, life could be worse than living in New Orleans watching over a baby monkey. Metro- A round of applause for the man who paid a parking fine with 11,000 pennies.
Stephen Coyle, 26, was slapped with the $110 (£71) ticket at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte (UNCC), US. But the vice president of the university’s mathematics club discovered that 80 per cent of the uni’s fines go to other schools. Not satisfied with this, the student gathered 11,000 pennies over the course of a few days, stuffed them into $25 boxes and paid the fine. He penned an email to USA TODAY College in which he argued why college students are ‘supplementing the funding of public schools when this is actually the responsibility of taxpayers’. The student received a response from UNCC officials who patted him on the back for taking in interest in the working of local Government. I wanted to applaud this kid's efforts. I really did. I would like to think that it wasn't just my college campus that passed out parking tickets like they were Halloween candy. I swear, rent-a-cops would have sting operations. You couldn't put your car anywhere on campus, that had very limited parking to begin with, for more than two minutes without getting some stupid fucking ticket from university police. Anything that makes the lives of the beneficiaries of those fines harder is good in my book. That includes paying a $110 entirely in pennies. Paying someone solely in pennies is the most disrespectful thing you can do to a person. I would rather have someone spit directly in between my eyes than place more than 4 pennies in my hand at once. I've probably left a couple hundred dollars on the ground over the course of my life just to avoid being the poor person picking up rusty pennies. Like I said, I wanted to applaud his efforts. You know, until i realized how much of an effort it actually was. Until I realize this dork was actually concerned with where the money from his fine was going after he paid it. Who in their right mind cares where their money goes as long as it isn't in their pocket anymore? What's done is done. I don't care if the money from my '$5 Footlong' was going to finance Jared's child pornography ring. That's not my problem. He was going to get that money anyway. Just like these public schools, that Stephen is so defiant towards supplementing financially, were going to get their money whether it was from his ticket or not. You're 26 years old dude. I think paying in pennies is a nice little prank when someone pisses you off, but I am certainly not hunting down 11,000 bronze coins to do it. Jesus Christ man. Make a friend. Get a hobby. Pick up a drug habit. Anything to avoid being the guy that's counting out $100 worth of change one cent at a time. I would think that even the Vice President of the Mathematics Club could put his talents to better use than trying not to slip up counting to 5 figures. Maybe throw some of that bronze towards getting yourself a hooker before you end up sad and alone with hands that smell like dirty metal. Dwight Howard Spent Time With 'The Boys And Girls Club' Presumably Because They Aren't His Kids7/13/2015
Listen, I don't have a probably with Dwight Howard putting on a facade and showing up to help out with 'The Boys And Girls Club'. I don't even have a problem with him throwing on some minion shoes and parading around as the quirky uncle when he is so obviously a dickhead. What I do have a problem with is the guy that has fathered like 8 kids, by 7 women, in 6 years, that he has spent all of 5 minutes combined with, showing more attention to strangers than he ever has his own offspring. Just because you hugged a kid or two and smiled the whole time doesn't mean we instantly forgot about the 8 you are responsible for Dwight. Hell, I bet if some of those kids were his he wouldn't even have been able to recognize them. It's simple mathematics. If Dwight hugs 10 children then odds are his sperm created one of them. How long is Howard going to ride the coat tails of his smile before the rest of the world realizes he is a terrible person? If he wanted to rock minion gear he should have just thrown on a shirt that said 'Despicable Me'. At least that would have been oddly ironic.
I don't want to be a wet blanket here, but Dwight Howard showing up for a bunch of underprivileged kids really highlights how much of a publicity stunt some of these events are. Don't get me wrong, it's always cool when athletes help out in the community, but there are times when it has more to do with good publicity than actually being a good guy. I don't think Dwight Howard rolled out of bed that day and said "you know what, I want to spend my day with children!". In fact, if his abilities as a parent are any indication, I don't think Dwight Howard has ever woken up thinking that a single day in his entire life. More than likely it's something his publicist set up to get him on the right side of the media for once. When your name gets dragged through the mud for being an awful father you can't combat that by simply being a mediocre father. Knowing all your kid's names and driving them to school once or twice isn't newsworthy. You have to show up looking like a fucking fictional, animated character. You got to act like a good guy and pander to the cameras. That's what people care about. Not the safety of a bunch of kids essentially growing up fatherless. You're still an asshole in my eyes Dwight, no matter how many times you flash those pearly whites and try to prove otherwise. h/t BSO Dez Bryant Threatens To Miss Training Camp And Regular Season Games If He Doesn't Get A New Contract7/13/2015
NJ.com- The Cowboys and Bryant's representatives, both CAA's Tom Condon and members of Roc Nation, have had one face-to-face negotiating session. They have exchanged proposals once, just before the Fourth of July holiday.
The ultimatum was personally delivered in a phone call last week, reiterating what Bryant's representatives have been telling the team. Bryant told Jones that he understands the league created the franchise player designation with the approval of the NFLPA and that he wants to spend his career playing for the Cowboys. But Bryant also made the argument that he has proved himself to be the top receiver in the league over the past five years and should be compensated accordingly. I'm pretty sure I wrote this same blog like 3 months ago. Even if I didn't, this same story has come out approximately once a month since the season ended. How many times do we have to see athletes threaten to hold out, or actually hold out, only to be ready to go come week 1 before we stop reporting it as actual news? I'm not saying Dez Bryant won't stick to his word. I'm not saying he won't miss a week or two of training camp. I am saying that if you think the Cowboys and Dez Bryant are going to be hard headed enough to let one of the best wide receivers in the NFL sit at home healthy while meaningful football is taking place then you are beyond crazy. The outcome of each and every one of the 16 games played by each team in the league holds far too much importance to let a difference maker miss even one series because of a contract dispute. The Cowboys don't want that, and Dez Bryant certainly doesn't want that. These negotiations aren't going to be timely. They probably aren't going to be pretty. However, they are absolutely going to get done. That's why Dez Bryant feels comfortable enough to make an empty threat that would virtually leave him unemployed. I don't really fault NFL players for holding out when they are drastically underpaid. With non-guaranteed contracts and a very small earning window, it's no surprise that they want to capitalize on their abilities when they still have them. I just don't think it's necessary to tweet it out or repeat it every couple of weeks. Dez Bryant isn't a free agent, he doesn't have the franchise by the balls. Both sides want the same thing, but if it doesn't work out then Dez Bryant loses his livelihood for a year. Meanwhile, the team only potentially loses another game or two. I know the NFL is big business, but 'The House That Jerry Built' isn't any less valuable without Dez Bryant on the field. If you ask me, the Cowboys are the ones playing from a position of power. Power they will need to relinquish if they want to field their best possible team, but power nonetheless. Metro- A commuter has spoken about the moment he was arrested and marched away in handcuffs for stealing ≈0.052p in electricity while on a train.
London-based artist Robin Lee plugged his phone in on a London Overground train on Friday and was spotted by a community support officer, stealing the ≈0.052p of electricity. He said "The officers got hold of me by each arm and put me in handcuffs – they were really aggressive and over the top. They put me in the cage in the back of the van and started going through my stuff – they even checked underneath my belt and everything." Robin called the incident 'ridiculous'. Back at Camden Road station he was eventually de-arrested for stealing ≈0.052p of electricity but then re-arrested for ‘unacceptable behaviour’ before being released without charge. Robin was allowed to collect his stuff and leave, with no charges brought against him. Fucking England. Talk about an ass backwards country. Driving on the wrong side of the road. Arresting people for taking advantage of conveniently placed outlets. Well, that's pretty much it. However, those are two pretty big concepts to completely fudge. Nothing will get a man killed quicker than not knowing which way traffic is coming from or walking around with a dead battery. No good stems from either of those situations. I thought London was pretty Americanized. Was I wrong in that assumption? When I was there they had Domino's and KFC for Christ's sake. How do you steal our most convenient food franchises and not realize that walking around at 3% is the most inconvenient thing a person can do? If Americans could get arrested for stealing electricity you would be better off just building prison walls around the entirety of the continental United States. There isn't a bar in any American city that isn't filled with enough phone chargers to put a Verizon kiosk out of business. If you think criminalizing such a thing would do anything to deter people from charging their phones in public you are beside your mind. The more I think about it, if you can get arrested for 'stealing electricity' than England is much closer to communist Russia than to America. Is stealing electricity even a crime out there? What's next, stealing oxygen? First this guy got arrested, then he got de-arrested, then he got re-arrested, and then he was let free. I didn't even know there were that many prefixes to 'arrested'. Sounds to me like they were trying to make the crime fit the punishment and not the other way around. Probably shouldn't be aggressively slapping cuffs on people when you are that unsure of yourself. That booking process had more up's and down's than a middle school relationship. That detainment made DeAndre Jordan look decisive. If you want to be a police state that arrests people for enjoying basic human rights then at least have your ducks in a row when you do so. LeBron James Thinks CP3 Knew DeAndre Jordan Was Coming Back Because They Are The Worst Friends Ever7/13/2015 Larry Brown Sports- LeBron James was on vacation with Paul in the Bahamas while all of the Jordan drama was unfolding. At one point, it seemed like Jordan had already joined the Dallas Mavericks. LeBron believes Paul knew all along that there was a chance Jordan wasn’t leaving the Los Angeles Clippers.
“I was telling Chris at the time, ‘Man, that’s a huge blow for you guys,'” James told Ethan Skolnick and Howard Beck on Bleacher Report Radio Sunday. “I hate that my best friend and my guy has to go through that because DeAndre does so many great things for their team and he’s going to Dallas. “A couple of days later I’m still on vacation and they say (Jordan) is having a change of heart. I think Chris had a lot more information than he was giving us. That’s my best friend, but I know he was holding back some information because he wanted to make sure that everything was going right for them and their team.” Let us pray that this is the last DeAndre Jordan blog I have to write before there is actually basketball being played. And, of course, the over saturation of DJ news poetically comes to a head with LeBron James take on the situation. The 'King' of creating unnecessary blog material has done so again with nothing more than an opinion that is based solely on his intuition. Why wouldn't LeBron's opinion on anything and everything be worthy of it's own column? At this point LeBron should have his own daily journal on the front page of ESPN. Although, I guess that wouldn't be nearly as fun as having 100 reporters nipping at his coattails 24/7 looking for even the smallest of soundbites. This whole CP3, LeBron, Wade, and Carmelo "brotherhood" is starting to seem like kind of a farce, right? None of those players play for the Mavericks. Hell, none of them even play in the Western Conference. If Chris Paul knew something the others didn't he would have no reason to withhold that information. Well, other than he is not nearly as good of friends with them as they all lead on. Now, me and my friends don't sit around in a circle and drink wine on man-cations, but you can bet your ass that if we did we would discuss what was going on in each other's lives. Four professional basketball players don't sit around and just avoid discussing basketball altogether, and pretty much the biggest NBA storyline at the time was DJ signing with the Mavericks. The fact that LeBron James had to make an educated guess that CP3 knew there was controversy surrounding the situation says a lot about how they view each other as friends. Just banana boating around the island like BFF's, not trusting each other with a single piece of personal information. That sounds like the most feminine friendship in the world. I guess I can't criticize too much. With the NBA being as big of a soap opera as it is, it's no wonder that it's biggest stars act like they are fresh off the set of 'Days Of Our Lives'. Report Says That Doc Rivers Daughter Was Responsible For Keeping DeAndre Jordan In Los Angeles7/13/2015
I don't even know what stance to take on this, because I honestly don't care what DeAndre's reasoning was for coming back to Los Angeles. I'll save the speculating for Mavericks fans. I knew before I clicked on Dwain Price's twitter handle that he was in someway associated with the Dallas. He would have to be to continue to dwell on this story. I'm not saying Doc Rivers daughter didn't have contact with DJ, but to say she was the driving force behind his indecision seems like a little bit of a reach to me. I'm sure the fact that Doc Rivers turned DeAndre into a player worthy of a max deal, the closeness of the Clippers locker room, and the chance to play on a contender that he was already familiar with had a lot more to do with it.
However, if Doc did employ the use of his daughter to change DeAndre Jordan's mind then it appears he is the master motivator we all hail him as. Everyone knows the best way to get a man to go back on his word is to put some pussy in front of him. Hell, Callie Rivers has already made her way around the league by dating Paul George and Kyrie Irving. Might as well make the most of her proclivity to basketball players. If you aren't using all the tools at your disposal are you even fulfilling your job description as a Head Coach/General Manager? No tool is more at Doc Rivers disposal than his own child. If this report is true, which I have a hard time believing, than you really got to feel bad for Austin Rivers. He had a huge hand in two playoffs victories and he still ranks third in his family in terms of his importance to the Clippers. Enjoy that bronze medal Austin, hopefully your sister's hard work will give you a chance at getting your hands on some Gold next summer. h/t BSO
CBS Sports- Weeks after signing a seven-year contract extension with the Buffalo Sabres after being acquired from the Colorado Avalanche, forward Ryan O'Reilly was charged with impaired driving and failing to remain on the scene of a single-vehicle accident by the Ontario Provincial Police in Middlesex County.
According to both AM 980 radio, which first reported on the incident, and the Buffalo News, O'Reilly's truck collided with a Tim Hortons coffee and donut shop. OPP announced Monday that O'Reilly, 24, from Bluewater, Ont., had been charged with driving a motor vehicle while ability impaired (alcohol) and care or control over 80 mgs. He was also charged under the Highway Traffic Act with failing to remain at the scene. According to Middlesex County OPP, a green Chevrolet pickup truck struck a commercial building on Richmond St. last Thursday morning (July 9) just after 4:00am. An employee of the Lucan Tim Hortons confirmed to AM980 that there had been a motor vehicle incident, but was unaware of the driver's identity. After the collision, police say a suspect drove the vehicle southbound on Saintsbury Line, before abandoning it and travelling by foot with another, unnamed, male occupant. Police determined that the the driver had been drinking alcohol. He was arrested, transported to an OPP detachment for breath testing, then released on a promise to appear. You see? That's just what happens when you go from smoking a bunch of legal marijuana amongst the beautiful scenery of the Rocky mountains to rotting in the purgatory that separates the United States and Canada. Hell, signing a 7 year extension in Buffalo without even experiencing one of their winters may have been the most rash decision ever made by an athlete. If you sign away your happiness for the better part of the next decade what else are you going to do but get mind numbingly shit faced and take a 'Drive-Thru' sign literally? Do they even have Uber in Buffalo? Do they even have anything in Buffalo? I'm pretty sure Ryan O'Reilly drove into damn near the only thing that brings people happiness in Buffalo, other than alcohol of course. If the best part of my home city was a football team led by E.J. Manuel I would probably be blind drunk and driving my brand new truck into breakfast establishments as well. I got to give Ryan O'Reilly credit though. At least he is fitting in to his new surroundings. It doesn't get any more 'Buffalo' than crashing into a Tim Horton's, driving away, and then taking off on foot leaving an antique Chevrolet truck behind. That may be the most 'Buffalo' crime in the entire history of the city. You can call O'Reilly a felon, but at least he's an adaptable felon. Part of me wants to give him a pass here. I don't want to endorse driving under the influence, but at least no one was hurt. You don't just live in Buffalo without undergoing an precedented amount of self loathing. That city could force a born again Mormon to hit the bottom of the bottle. I've always assumed the only way to avoid suicide in upstate New York was an unparalleled amount of alcohol consumption. Ryan just hasn't found the best way to get home safely afterwards. Hey, look on the bright side, at least he has the next 7 years to figure it out. DeAndre Jordan Apoligized On Twitter, Because How Else Do You Cap Off A Historical Day On Twitter?7/11/2015
Was it a little late for an apology? Probably. Is apologizing on Twitter the right move? Probably not. However, consider the circumstances. Topping off possibly one of the best sports days in the history of Twitter with a twitter apology is almost too perfect to get mad at. The rumblings of the Clippers re-pursuing DeAndre Jordan. The emoji battle. The accounts of what was going on between the Clippers and DJ behind closed doors. Blake Griffin tweeting out hilarious pictures from inside the house. Chris Broussard making a complete mockery of his profession. Mark Cuban ripping out Broussard's insides and feeding them to him on a 140 character platter. It all happened on Twitter. Shit, if that doesn't make you get yourself a handle, nothing will. How can DeAndre Jordan put a succinct end to a Twitter saga without the use of Twitter?
Also, you've got to respect Jordan's complete refusal to acknowledge that smart phones are something that you can use to make direct contact with someone. Sure, it seems childish to ignore Mark Cuban, but I think somewhere around the tenth missed call and 20th unanswered text I start to respect his ability to ignore his notifications. Be more of a scorned ex-girfriend Cuban, seriously. Especially when you can't even blame it on the alcohol. He didn't change his mind over the phone, so why use his phone to apologize now? As far as I am concerned they were bitter rivals as soon as he signed his name on that dotted line with the guidance of Doc Rivers. If anyone should be making personal apologies it should be Dan Fegan for being COMPLETELY absent during the biggest moment of one of his client's careers. DeAndre did his job, and that was to make the best decision for his future, so as far as I am concerned, a twitter apology will do jussssst fine. Come At The Crown, Ya Best Not Miss: DeAndre Jordan's Mom Sonned Some Mavs Fans On Twitter7/11/2015
BZZZZT, Wanna rumble with the bee, HUH? Throw a hex on ya whooooole family! No, but seriously, where the fuck is the fire department? It's a goddamn burn unit up in this bitch. Only choice left for these clowns is to throw some more gasoline on their twitter account and let it rest as a pile of ashes. If you are going to be the complete fucking loser that trolls an athlete's mother, you absolutely cannot get eviscerated as a human being in 140 characters. She honestly should have just gone full 'Black Twitter' and added a couple skulls to the end of those tweets. Looks like DeAndre ain't the only Jordan that can swat some weak shit a couple rows back. Like mother, like son. Just flipped those words faster than the hypothetical burgers that one froggish young lad thinks DJ would be flipping if, ya know, he didn't just sign an 88 MILLION DOLLAR DEAL.
Extra points for #eatshitanduknowtherest. Back in the early years when my Dad was coaching my hockey team he was a huge advocate of us telling our opponents to "eat shit and die". Must be a old person thing, but I'm not going to lie, I think it's time for it to make a STRONG comeback. Live look at Mavericks fans....
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