NYPost- A Milwaukee brewing company asked customers to help name its next craft brew — and then it all went horribly wrong.
MobCraft Beer, which regularly asks customers to name their new concoctions, crowd-sourced for suggestions for an upcoming brew that includes grapes and dates. “Date Grape” made the top eight before the company realized that having fun with the name of a type of sexual assault wasn’t a good idea. “Hello everyone there was an offensive name of a user submitted beer in this months [sic] vote, our monthly vote let people submit ideas for the beers, we did not have a process for screening names before the vote rounds started,” company founder Henry Schwartz wrote on Facebook. “I feel horrible that this oversight happened, the beer name has been changed and we now have a process where our team vets names before they ever appear publicly. We would Never promote rape culture as it is very serious issue never to be joked about. Again my apologies for this.” Whoa, whoa, whoa...what? A brewery held a naming contest for their alcoholic beverages and didn't think it would be wise to screen the submissions? I don't know what secluded corner of the worldwide web they are stuck living in that they didn't consider it a foregone conclusion that people would abuse their social media privileges, but it sounds like the online equivalent of 'PleasantVille'. I bet they started formulating this brilliant idea immediately after putting a "please take one" sign on a bowl of Halloween candy outside their front door. Honestly, be more vulnerable guys. Pretty apparent the fine, naive folks at MobCraft brewery aren't hockey fans or they would have realized that these are the same shenanigans that had the NHL trying to ship John Scott to Siberia to keep him out of the NHL All Star Game. Simply put, the internet never disappoints...unless you are asking them to maintain the integrity of prettttty much anything. Seriously though, was "name this beer that features dates and grapes" a legitimate request? That description of a fruity craft brew was begging to be flipped into an endorsement of non-consensual sex. Personally? I'd probably refrain from making that joke because it's too easy, but expecting the entire internet to pass up an open lay-up is like expecting Bill Cosby to tuck a comatose woman into bed prior to sleeping on the couch. If I had a suggestion for this brewery's marketing department - which I am assuming consists solely of the resident drunk - it would be to ease up on the 'Original Sin Porter' before putting your promotions into full effect. Leaving the public image of your company up to the internet is like putting the onus of pulling out on your 35 year old, ovulating girlfriend. You have to take your own precautions or that unwanted publicity is going to be just as much of a pain in the ass to deal with as an unwanted pregnancy.
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You know how black people are able to pull off all sorts of eccentric outfits that would - and occasionally do - make white people look like total assholes? Well, it appears we can apply that same concept to gay people and orchestrated proposals at sporting events. Seriously, that whole scene was absolutely adorable, but if you replaced one of those penises with a vagina then everything about it would have been completely insufferable. I know the straight white crowd doesn't take too many L's, but I am chalking this up as one of them. Sorry, but Bulls fans would be closer to throwing tomatoes than letting out a collective, audible "awwww" if a woman had been escorted out to half court just to get presented a goddamn 'Ring Pop' by her cheap ass boyfriend while some hip-hop remix of a 1940's classic was getting twerked to by a group of half dressed dancers. I know there are some heteros out there thinking the now-loveless marriage they agreed to eventually enter into on the JumboTron was an exception to the rule as well, but as a non-biased viewer I can assure you it was not. Homosexuals got the 'extravagant gestures that turn love into a public spectacle' game on lock, and I swear I don't mean that as an insult. Congrats to Michael and Jake, but Scottie Pippen ain't getting out of his damn seat for no Michelle and Jake...
DailyMail- A 120-year-old Hindu monk has put his longevity down to abstaining from sex for his whole life.
Hindu monk Swami Sivananda was born on August 8, 1896, according to his passport, and has settled into a routine of celibacy, no spices and daily yoga. The 120-year-old virgin is now applying to Guinness World Records to verify his claim that he is the oldest man to have ever lived, which is currently held by Japan's Jiroemon Kimura, who died in June 2013 aged 116 years and 54 days. Sivananda, from the holy city of Varanasi, grew up in extreme poverty and chose to become a monk, saying he owed his age to 'yoga, discipline, and celibacy'. 'I lead a simple and disciplined life. 'I eat very simply - only boiled food without oil or spices, rice and boiled daal (lentil stew) with a couple of green chillies,' he said after a two-hour yoga session in Kolkata, the eastern Indian city where he had come for a short visit. So let me get this straight, to be a part of the monkhood you can't have sex or use spices, but you can brag about how abstaining from two of the most enjoyable things on the planet have kept you alive for far longer than anyone should want to be alive? Sounds like there's a little loophole to living the "right" way, but that's neither here nor there. Truthfully, I don't really care that this was an unnecessary ass patting, because it was the worst unnecessary ass patting of all time. Who the fuck wants to live a life without pussy or seasoning? I'd easily take 35 good years full of shameless fornicating and gluttony over 120 years of pretending that those things weren't ridiculously awesome. If someone said I could either add 50 years to my lifespan by taking a vow of celibacy and giving up dry rubs or I would die today then I would hit the back pages to try to find a suicidal hooker that would agree to bang me in oncoming traffic while I ate the most poignant steak ever fileted off her back. I usually respect the discipline it takes to be a monk, but if one of them wants to start beefing then I'm bringing the garlic salt. I refuse to be shamed for using my God-given body parts. Especially by someone who has spent over a century sitting in silence, eating like a bird, letting their wild oats dry out into extinction, and...well...waiting to die. A monastary is really just a glorified, long term old folks home. If you're not living then you're dying, and eating bland food and ignoring the pleasure pipe between your legs is NOT living. Enjoy maintaining your health and serving others Swami, but I'm going to do my best to maintain my libido while serving my taste buds. A full life sounds good in theory, but the the guy with the full stomach and the empty balls will be the one on his death bed 40 years earlier without a single regret. This Woman's Self-Abduction Was Somehow The Worst And Best Revenge Against Her Cheating Boyfriend12/8/2016 DailyMail- A Florida woman, who police believed was kidnapped by a drug dealer, staged her abduction as revenge against her cheating boyfriend.
Miami detectives worked 'around the clock' to locate Samantha Martinez, who was reported missing by her boyfriend, Jonathan Johnson, after he hadn't heard from her in four days, The Washington Post reported. In a bid to find the 20-year-old, who police believed had been taken by a violent drug dealer, authorities reached out to local media outlets about her abduction, Officer Christopher Bess told the newspaper. But on Tuesday, police took Martinez to jail after learning her disappearance was staged just to get back at her boyfriend for cheating. He told police that he did receive a text from a man who identified himself only as 'Skeet'. Johnson said Skeet wanted $300 for a drug deal that had gone awry. Can you imagine how far Jonathan Johnson's heart sank when his self-kidnapping psychopath of a girlfriend walked back through the door? It sounds like a terrible revenge scheme to just disappear when you know your live-in boyfriend is fucking someone else, but if Samantha Martinez was actually able to convince him that he might not see her again then it's best act of vengeance ever. Seriously, he probably would have preferred to have gotten berated and had all sorts of household appliances thrown at him than to be given a 4 day vacation, led to believe it was going to last longer, and had his dream of being a newly single man dashed when he found out the ball was still attached to the chain. His hopes were brought to the top of the mountain...and then pushed off the goddamn side of it. Let's hope this looney broad is still in the clink, or else I am praying for the man that got given a glimpse into the good life before his significant other came back from whichever one of her relative's cars she was sleeping in to roast him for not trying to pay "Skeet" his $300 to get her ass back. This probably won't be a popular opinion, but my biggest problem with this tweet is that it's not even remotely funny. Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't endorse making jokes at the expense of a woman who succumbed to one of the most diabolical diseases known to man and whose untimely death came just days before living out her dream of seeing herself on television. Cancer is not even close to being a laughing matter. However, if you are going to shamelessly attempt to make it one then at least make it worth it. At least make the people who read it feel bad about getting a chuckle out of it. If you're going to be an insensitive prick then don't a lazy insensitive prick. This dumbass post was less of a "joke" and more of a blatant attempt at getting people to react by pretending that being offensive is the same thing as being humorous. Using a hackneyed expression from a game show to make light of the passing of someone that was a week away from appearing on said game show is more than just distasteful. It's so cheap that even a 'Daily Double' couldn't make it worthwhile. Tupac And Robin Williams Were Arrested In Arizona With 114 Pounds Of Weed. No, Seriously...12/8/2016
12News- Suspects by the names Robin Williams and Tupac were arrested with more than 100 pounds of marijuana during a traffic stop near Payson Sunday.
Arizona Department of Public Safety troopers stopped a white Chevrolet pickup for a traffic violation as it was headed north on State Route 87 at milepost 250. Troopers determined that there were "indicators of criminal activity," and a K9 officer was brought to the scene, along with a National Forest Service K9. A search of the vehicle yielded five large plastic-wrapped packages of marijuana in a tool box and equipment box in the bed of the truck. The marijuana inside had a street value of about $69,000, according to Arizona DPS. It's tough to truly feel bad for anyone that gets caught in possession of 114 pounds of literally any illegal substance, but I will say that I do have a soft spot in my heart for these two. I mean, they were never even given a chance for success. They could have been the greatest pot peddling duo in the drug game and it was only a matter of time before the suspiciousness of their government names had them behind bars. Chances are the only warning signs that their vehicle was packed to gills with sticky green weren't their driver's licenses, but you have to believe that having the name Tupac didn't help the guy whose eyes were anxiously darting around during a routine traffic stop. Having Robin fucking Williams acting fidgety in the passenger seat certainly didn't get him any closer to a warning and a "have a nice day!". Being the namesakes of two dead famous people from completely different walks of life is enough to make anyone turn their nose up, and turning their nose up is probably what gave those officers a pretty distinct whiff of the marijuana babies napping in the truck bed. If we are being totally honest then these two were probably destined for the criminal justice system anyway. I just can't help but think their parents never gave them a fair shot of evading it with names that are more skeptical than Bonnie and Clyde. A Navy Admiral Took A Belated Jab At Colin Kaepernick During His Pearl Harbor Anniversary Speech12/8/2016 “You can bet that the men and women we honor today and those who died that faithful morning 75 years ago never took a knee and never failed to stand whenever they heard our national anthem being played.” - Admiral Harry Harris Gee Harry, how long you been sitting on that one, bud? Seriously though, this is a first class example of why the saying "timing is everything" isn't just the underlying plot line of every romantic comedy in the history of cinema. It's a phrase that has been proven factual through no shortage of empirical evidence, and it's never rung truer than when a man with the highest military rank in the U.S. Navy tried to use an outdated sports reference for an applause break in his tribute to the thousands of American lives tragically lost three quarters of a century to the day. Hey, the man may not be the most topical but if there's one thing you can say about Harry Harris it's that he took this speech very seriously, because it was pretty obviously written prior to Week 1 of the NFL season. It's a real shame too, because that line would have absolutely killed if it was delivered three months ago. If the 75th anniversary of Pearl Harbor landed in September then that Colin Kaepernick jab would have brought the goddamn house down. The mic probably would have dropped itself with the amount of people hootin' and hollerin' in response to a timely zinger at the expense of quarterback kneeling in opposition of oppression. If you think about it, it's really Japan's fault that an Admiral was standing up there staring over a packed house waiting (what felt like 10 minutes) for his standing ovation. If they hadn't pussy-footed around bombing a United States Naval Base then the crowd honoring the victims of that bombing wouldn't have been stuck in that "wait, do we rise now?" no man's land like they were attending church for the first time in a decade. All's well that ends well I guess, but I would advise him to stick to more current events in the future, because even old white people get over news faster in 2016. Here's Where I Try To Defend This MMA Fighter That Accidentally Punched The Ring Girl In The Face12/8/2016 TheSun- “In the immediate aftermath of losing a very close title fight at Titan FC 42 Andrew Whitney threw a punch out of frustration which unintentionally hit one of our ring card girls. Our ring card girl was attended to by the ringside doctor and officials. She indicated she was fine and was more surprised by the punch than injured. Titan FC is broadcast around the world and we expect our athletes to conduct themselves in a professional manner at all times. Whitney’s management are taking ‘appropriate action’ to ensure it does not happen again. We have spoken with Andrew Whitney and his management and are taking appropriate actions to make sure this unforeseen incident is not repeated.”
Oh boy. You ever just know you are headed down a dark, unrelatable path that will make people question why they have ever laughed at a single thing you have ever written? I think that's where we are at with this story. What I am going to attempt to do here is defend an MMA fighter that wildly swung his pharmaceutically enhanced fist through some poor, innocent ring girl's skull. What the outcome is undoubtedly going to be is me digging myself into a hole that would have Chilean miners asking for someone to toss down a loaded gun and read them their last rites. Preferably I wouldn't feel any sympathy for the trained killer that just sucker punched an oblivious women clear into Christmas Eve, but I would be lying to myself if I said that I didn't. I think anyone who has ever been given unexpected news that enraged them knows the last thing you need is someone touching you immediately after they deliver it. For that reason I can't - in my heart of hearts - criticize an adrenaline fueled meathead for ripping his wrist away from the man that just told him he put his body on the line for naught with the fury of 1,000 suns. You can tell from his posture that that dude has never been more certain of anything than he was of himself being declared the winner of that fight. That's why his instictual "get the fuuuuck off of me" manuever was so aggressive that it resulted in a thunderous chin check of the eye candy. Now, I'm also not blaming the victim who is paid to stand there and brainlessly look pretty. I think she could have kept her head on a bit more of a swivel, but being aware or her surroundings and having foresight - never mind knowing what that means - isn't in her job description. That's why the fault lies with the official. He's supposed to have a command of the octagon and he didn't think it would be wise to clear the air directly behind the shoulder of a guy named 'The Beast' who was shaking in anticipation of being named the victor? That lack of anticipation is chracteristic of a man who would admit to cheating while his wife was chopping vegetables next to a sizzling hot frying pan. P.S. I think all this means is that I am equally as bad at losing. Oh well. As the great African American philosopher Cam Newton once said, "show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser."
So, I guess that means we can put the whole "Super Team" narrative to eternal rest, huh? Granted, it was always just a joke at the expense of an oft-injured, outspoken point guard who had delusional dreams of graduer. Still, it's a joke I no longer feel comfortable making after watching the Cavaliers drag the Knicks lifeless body behind the woodshed and stopping just short of doing the 'Mannequin Challenge' with it. There's no way I can even entertain D-Rose's proclaimation after LeBron - as always - turned Madison Square Garden into his own personal playground, but this time turned the bench during garbage time into the cool table in a high school cafeteria. It's literally impossible to get stunted on harder than the Knicks - and specifically Phil Jackson - got stunted on when LeBron started partaking in outdated viral fads with his friends mid-game. Which brings me to my next point, if you don't think LeBron's decision to try to land a water bottle 5 feet onto the court during live game action has anything to do with the "posse" comment then you are outside of your mind. The King wear many crowns and one of them is for having no equivalent when it comes to passive aggressive acts towards those that have wronged him. Gathering up his teammates to make sure all eyes - and cameras - were on him, flinging a Dasani halfway down the damn baseline, and then instantly diving on the floor as if it was unintentional? If you don't think there was an ulterior motive behind the biggest walking, talking headline in sports throwing himself on the ground as if no one saw him partaking in internet challenges during an nationally broadcasted NBA game then I would like to congratulate you on watching LeBron James for the first time and offer you a sweater to warm up since you've obviously been cryogenically frozen since his career started. That was meant to embarrass a Knicks team that is run by someone who - while not racist - is starting to sound like the PG version of the grandfather who's constantly making those close to him apologize on his behalf. You don't even have to believe me, because this picture says it all...
Draymond Green-
"It’s funny how you can tell me how I get hit and how my body is supposed to react. I didn’t know the league office was that smart when it came to body movements. I’m not sure if they took kinesiology for their positions to tell you how your body is going to react when you get hit in a certain position. Or you go up and you have guys who jump to the ceiling. A lot of these guys that make the rules can’t touch the rim, yet they tell you how you’re way up there in the air which way your body [is supposed to go]. I don’t understand that. That’s like me going in there and saying, ‘Hey, you did something on your paperwork wrong.’ I don’t know what your paperwork looks like. But it is what it is ... Let them keep telling people how their body reacts, I guess. They need to go take a few more kinesiology classes, though. Maybe they can take a taping class or functional movement classes. Let me know how the body works, because clearly mine don’t work the right way." Body Expert- "While I don’t think there is necessarily malintent on the part of Draymond, there appears to be a level of carelessness to his motions and I will tell you why. Jumping requires upward propulsion and because muscles cannot push, they only pull, all of the effort through the kinetic chain should be focused on extending through the posterior chain. In other words, it is mechanically counterproductive to lift a leg in the middle or end of a jump. If you really think about it, lifting the thigh at the peak of a jump would only inhibit ones action of momentum. If you are trying to get up, lifting your leg through the psoas and or quad/ITB is working against your jumping musculature. In regards to some of his lunging, the same principles apply. Lateral movement requires a reach outward and away with the leg. Unlike soccer, where the leg may be reaching for a ball in the air, basketball players move laterally along the floor to either block the lane or catch/throw/fake with the ball. For Draymond to lift his leg into the air, high enough to hit another player, is not kinesthetically sound. If you ask me, it’s careless. Everyone is expected to avoid dangerous activity on the court and Draymond is not going to be able to use kinesiology as an excuse to bring his legs into the air in the middle of a jump or lunge, especially when it holds back his own game in some ways." Wait just a damn minute here. Are we positive that this body expert isn't just an "expert" in the same way that literally everyone that was hired from ESPN to improve the dwindling ratings at FS1 is a sports expert? I guess what I am asking is if we can say - with absolute certainly - that "hot take culture" hasn't infiltrated other, fact based aspects of society? I really hope that it has, because I would be flat out floored if I found out that an NBA player inaccurately referenced a very specific branch of science that he Googled five minutes prior when trying to justify his repetitive kicks to the nether regions and extremities of his peers. I shudder to think of the alternative if the man who is basically calling Draymond Green a liar based on a highly decorated history of analyzing the intricate movements of the human body isn't just a butt-hurt Clippers fan that's trying to make him look bad. It terrifies me to say this, but if science can't explain why Draymond Green wildly flails his leg high in the direction of his opposition whenever someone comes within six inches of him then an all-too-scary truth is upon us. It bears consideration that modern science - a trade that has been incessantly studied over the course of centuries - is....::aubible gasp:...WRONG. When it comes to how homo sapien limbs inherently react when the person they are attached to launches themselves straight up in the air, Draymond Green is an exception to the rule. Might be time to recall a few million textbooks, because the scholars that authored them did so before they came across the curious case of the only professional athlete that can't stop himself from punting people in the head, dick, and ass. h/t Deadspin It's Pretty Remarkable That This Embarrassing End To A Tennis Match Is A First Time Occurrence12/7/2016
FTW- “Under IPTL rules, once a ball is tossed into the air for a serve, the serving motion must be completed.
“This, then, meant that Bertens had no choice but to try to serve despite her poor toss. The problem was that Bertens hesitated — clearly forgetting about the IPTL rule and planning to bail on the toss.” For starters, I laughed. I mean, of course I laughed. Even Kiki Bertens' family and friends had to laugh on the inside as the match point bounced off the side of her face and fell haplessly to the court. Taking all the circumstances out of it, that video is just flat out funny and I think even the person that was on the ass end of it would agree when not standing in front of a couple thousand people in the viewing audience who were slowly dying from second hand embarrassment. That said, aren't the circumstances kind of set up for something like this to happen? In every other tennis league and association you can take a mulligan on a shitty toss, but not in the IPTL? Seems like a pretty weird/common rule to change unless you're hoping that one of your players suffers from some mid-serve forgetfulness and makes her/himself look like a complete jackass. I can't say I totally felt bad for her because that would be disingenuous coming from someone that let out an audible chuckle while watching a video of the very moment that she was praying she disappeared. However, I will say she was set up for failure. It was only a matter of time before this quirk in the basic guidelines of tennis had somebody frozen into submission like the Wile E. Coyote looking up at an anvil. If I had to assign blame I would say it's 60% IPTL and 40% Kiki Bertens, and that's not too bad considering how ridiculously Hellen Keller-ish she looked taking one to the face from herself.
WFLA- The boy said he cried after old St. Nick told him to stop eating the fast food.
“And when I got done, he said lay off the hamburgers and French fries and that really just disrespected me and I felt awful,” Anthony Mayse, 9, told WLOS. Anthony said after the experience he tore up his picture with Santa. His mom said that Santa didn’t even seem to want to be at the event. “I’m hoping he’s fired because I don’t want any kid feeling like he did Saturday. I mean it destroyed him,” said Ashley Mayse. The family said the evening was ruined for them, and Anthony says he’ll not go see that Santa again. “I’d probably go to the mall and stuff but not that Santa – I will never be at Forest City again doing that.” You know what sickens me? The fact that people are going to act like this is a 'Bad Santa' situation. Who the hell are we to question the guy who has children sitting on him every damn day during the holidays? If anyone knows how fat is too fat for a 9 year old then it's him. Not only that, but if anyone can get a young boy to change his diet to something that won't have him confined to a scooter by his late 20's then it's that jolly son of a bitch that's responsible for bringing him toys. I'm assuming this kid is still a Saint Nick truther or it would be super weird for him to continue waiting in line to plop down on the laps of older man in costume every December. If that's the case then he doesn't deserve presents after valuing his continued gluttony over the constructive criticism of the guy who knows a child that could benefit from a green or two when it starts causing his ever-resilient knee structural damage. Pretty sure every mall Santa ends his encounters with greedy little brats by saying "make sure you be a good boy/girl now". How is telling a kid to ease off the carbs before he ends up finding nothing under the tree but a hospital bill for the coronary he's going to need by the time he hits double digits any different? This kid is under the impression that Santa makes a list of every person in the world and checks it twice, but he can't even ask his enabling mother to take a gander at McDonald's Nutritonal Facts? Quit your crying kid and finish your damn veggies. Not just so you can say you earned your gifts, but so that you live to see the day you find out the bearded guy in the red suit that fat shamed you is just some down-on-his-luck schmuck looking to supplement his income. P.S. This mall Santa was definitely a dick, but he's doing a better job parenting that kid than the mother that let her 9 year old get big enough to smush Santa into painfully true observations that cut deeper than the knife that kid will be under if he stays on the 'Super Size Me' dietary plan.
I hate to say this, but interrupting himself mid-sentence and resorting to heaving cheap, mass produced sitting stations at the person he's debating automatically makes this dude the loser in the war of words. Fortunately, he did prove he has the ability to win something and that is any potential table tossing competition he enters to subsidize his boxing career. I know he didn't make direct contact with his target, but that distance and trajectory was the stuff that Gold Medalists are made of. Can only imagine his form would have been nothing short of flawless if he properly prepped for it instead of spontaneously doing it purely out of frustration when he couldn't think of anything clever to say. I'm usually not a big fan of pre-fight histrionics that always manage to seem more staged when they involve using easily transportable furniture as weapons, but it felt like the air that Dereck Chistora got on that throw was taken straight from my lungs. Considering the lack of discipline he exhibited here, that toss was more than likely the most amazing athletic feat he'll accomplish this week. Ideally he would have made his upcoming opponent look stupid with quick wit and saved the violence for the ring. However, if all else fails and you absolutely have to peg someone with something to get your point across then it might as well be something that the average person would struggle to fling across the room without injuring themselves or their ego. “I don’t have any team I root for or any team I root against. I just love college football as a whole. I have gone through this season trying to be as unbiased and impartial as humanly possible. If there is any one thing that has come from my first season hosting a college football television show it is you have given me a reason to have a rooting interest. But it’s not a rooting interest for it’s a rooting interest against. I am here to tell you all that I now actively root against Clemson. Not just now and not just until the end of the year but until you guys turn it around. When I say you guys, I don’t mean anything on the field. I mean all of you jerks on social media. You sit there, and you watch TV, and you say that you want players to act like they represent the school. You say you want your coaches to act like they represent the school. And then you represent the school like jerks on social media. I’m tired of it. You guys are now the reason I am anti-Clemson.” - Jason Fitz Dammmn Clemson fans, shit just real, huh? You thought it was all fun and games with your online bullying of some dude I have never seen before in my life and you didn't even realize that in doing so you were pushing him to the brink of rooting against you. Bet you'll think twice about telling Jason Fitz that you're going to fistfuck his family tree before poisoning it Alabama-style after he publicly pulled his endorsement of your Tigers. After all, nothing silences overly aggressive internet commenters quite like insulting them on national television. I can't imagine he'll be receiving any more half hearted death threats now that he has put Clemson's National Championship aspirations in peril with a whiny rant about their segment of fans who hate nothing more than having the vile things they spew on social media acknowledged on an even larger platform. Consider all of Tiger Nation's twitter hate officially discouraged, because having your school in the four team playoff for the second year in a row simply isn't as sweet with one less person wishing them the best. P.S. I'm definitely not siding with people using an anonymous alias to slander the entire existence of some irrelevant ESPN host, but I'm 96% sure that this bitchfest was an intentional attempt to go viral. Ten minutes ago a vast majority of college football fans weren't even able to insult Jason Fitz online because they wouldn't even recognize him if he came up to them in the street and spit on their shoe. So, congrats on the attention and rest in peace to your mentions...I guess?
First, why did you come back for more.
Second, it wasn't ya shoes homeboy. Third, don't ever wave your finger saying "Come here" then get your ankles rocked. Cuz you definitely don't want anymore. Stick to social studies and free throws young blood. @jahbuckets_30 go easy on em next time. Seriously guys? How come nobody told me that Greg Paulus had a little brother that was hustling his way through the high school basketball ranks and destined to be the next shameless caucasian guard getting his higher education in Durham, North Carolina? The baseless cockiness? The ease with which he flopped to the floor? The blaming of inanimate objects for his inherent lack of athleticism? The only way that sequence of events makes any sense at all is if it's part of a highlight tape that's about two tumbles into the stands (while trying to track down balls that were already out of bounds) and a floor slap away from being sent to Coach K's mailbox. Protect ya neck Grayson Allen, because some non-descript white boy with far less talent but way more moxy is coming to man the point at Cameron Indoor. He may not be able to guard the most minimalistic of crossovers without tripping into the next county, but he's got the heart (Also See: nerve) to keep trying. What the soles of his shoes apparently lack in grip, his ankles more than make up for in durability. Every good basketball team needs someone that doesn't mind making themselves look stupid. I suppose it's also preferred that that person has at least a lick of ability, but don't tell me this kid doesn't understand the role that best suits him. P.S. "Stick to social studies and free throws young blood" gets 9.2 out of a possible 10 skull emojis. Easily an 'A' insult with only minor room for more emasculation.
Let's just say what it is, this team is bipolar. That's not to say that there aren't legitimate reasons why that is the case. The commitment to being more aggressive was bound to create just as many chances against as it was for a team that's taken risks to maintain a scoring touch that has had Devils fans slapping themselves across the face to make sure they aren't dreaming. Despite their defiance of the odds with their offensive contributions this defense is still starved for talent, so some breakdowns in their own zone were to be expected. I would prefer that those breakdowns didn't constantly result in the best player on the opposing team standing in front of their net completely uncovered, but I guess that's just what happens when 66.6% of your blueline would benefit from playing sheltered minutes. Still, putting your finger on the pulse of this team is like putting your finger on the pulse of a pregnant women while she's Christmas shopping a week before the Holidays. It's almost guaranteed to leave you scratching your head wondering how a team could experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in matter of minutes. I legitimately have never seen anything like it. One second the Devils are running their opposition off the ice faster than a bunch of pesky kids drawing dicks on a snowy public pond and the next they are chasing them around their own zone as effectively as Paul Blart without his segway. Watching the 'fast, attacking, supportive' tagline come to fruition warms my heart so much that I have to wipe away a single tear every time Miles Wood outraces two guys on the forecheck, but there has been just as many instances when a more accurate slogan would be 'loose, lackadaisical, undisciplined'. This team has so many mood swings that even the posterboy for consistency between the pipes had appeared schizophrenic at times. I'm certainly not complaining because this version of the Devils was never supposed to be a finished product. That said, if they want to achieve that all-too-elusive playoff spot then they'll have to maintain the intensity that has them scoring 3-5 goals a night while cutting down on the mistakes that have them giving up just as many. Especially with a comically daunting schedule on the horizon. Last night's game against Vancouver was closer than it should have been because somehow the Devils were penalized two men when their best penalty killer had his nose broken, but they still have to be better than they were in the final minutes if they want survive the next couple of weeks. I can't believe I am saying this, but they have proven they can go goal-for-goal with some of the best teams in the league. What will make or break this season is whether they can defend against those teams with any consistency. P.S. Thoughts and prayers to Philip Larsen, because this got scary quickly...
FTW- NFL fans in St. Louis had very little interest in watching the Rams lose football games while they were still in the city. But now that they’re gone, they can’t get enough.
On Sunday, the Rams’ blowout loss at the hands of the Patriots was actually getting better ratings in St. Louis than it was in Los Angeles, according to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. This post really has nothing to do with television ratings. I don't find it all that fascinating that St. Louis sports fans are reveling in the failures of their former franchise. I'm glad that they are enjoying watching the team that left them high and dry crap themselves with a first overall pick that's shown very little promise and a head coach that's displayed more and more signs of dementia by the day, but I don't think it's particularly newsworthy. That said, what I do find hilarious is that Jeff Fisher's extension was such a goddamn mistake that it's almost as if it was a kickback to those whose support was trivialized with the move to Los Angeles. St. Louis will have zero problem getting over the loss of their football team as it gets run into the ground by the man that's gameplanning around the 6 year depth charts of his upcoming opponents. Having to find someone else to root for Sundays should be a much easier task now that their team hitched it's wagon to the type of guy that thumps his chest about punting stats. Merry Christmas STL, by the time the Rams figure out that Jeff Fisher's incompetent coaching is better suited for youth soccer you guys will have completely forgotten that they were directly responsible for your mood on Mondays. I'm sure the process of being weaned off your fandom for Gurley and the Gang was already well underway considering how closely you were paying attention to the Patriots yawning their way to a double digit win. However, it undoubtedly just got expedited by the two year commitment your former squad just made to the man that has made your last four years shamelessly mediocre.
ESPN- A friend of the man charged with the murder of former New Orleans Saints defensive end Will Smith told Outside the Lines that the shooting of Smith was "justified" and that there was no negligence involved with Smith's death.
Kevin O'Neal, 30, was at the scene in New Orleans on the night Smith was shot by Cardell Hayes, 29, on April 9. In his first television interview, O'Neal told Outside the Lines' Jeremy Schaap that Smith was "hostile," "erratic" and "uncontrollable" during a confrontation after the Hummer H2 driven by Hayes rear-ended Smith's Mercedes G63 SUV. The clash following the accident resulted in Smith, 34, being shot multiple times, and his wife, Racquel, 33, shot in the legs. Smith was pronounced dead at the scene, while his wife was taken to a hospital with non-life-threatening injuries. Outside the Lines reached out to 15 people who were either involved in or witnessed last April's incident. O'Neal, a passenger in the Hummer and a friend of Hayes since high school, agreed to be interviewed on-camera. "For what I can remember, and what I can see when I close my eyes and when I revisit and rethink about everything that happened ... he was justified," O'Neal said of Hayes shooting Smith. "And I'm not saying that cause he's my friend ... because if he was negligent, he was negligent. But he wasn't at all." Have you ever seen a more egregious case of journalistic irresponsibility than ESPN calling the best friend of someone who's on trial for murder a "witness"?!? I mean, it's become pretty clear since this tragedy took place that Will Smith's actions were at least partially to blame for how ugly things got. He was driving with a few drinks in his system. He did rear-end the man that ultimately took his life. He did flea from the scene of the accident. He did - by multiple accounts - react aggressively after his car was hit. Does that mean he is deserving of what is basically a post-mortem hit piece that only represented the killer's side of the story? A highly decorated athlete has long been deceased, and the worldwide leader in sports is hunting down someone from the inner circle of the person that pulled the trigger to give him a platform to proclaim his friend's innocence? What fucking sense does that make? Never mind the fact that the story you heard is patently untrue. It's one thing to say that Will Smith's actions made a bad situation worse, but to say it's solely his fault that he's now at eternal rest takes such an incredible amount of bias that it makes political debates look like they are rooted in reality. Cardell Hayes chased Will Smith down and "accidentally" blew directly into his bumper? He shot him upwards of SEVEN times (and his wife twice) IN THE BACK as self defense? Give me a fucking break man. Saying the dude that's sitting behind bars was completely justified in his excessively homicidal actions is just as goddamn stupid as saying that Will Smith was completely innocent in the confrontation that ultimately cost him his life. I don't really blame this dude Kevin O'Neal for vastly exaggerating his truth to make his boy - who was driving around with easily accessible firearms - look like a victim. I do blame ESPN for essentially acting like Cardell Hayes' defense team in a video that implies that the world is a better place without Will Smith. Not only is there very little basis for them to take that angle, but I hardly consider it part of the job description of a sports news network to all-but-choose a side in a pending murder case. Metro- A man has died after he was stripped naked and left outside by two friends because he was snoring too loudly.
They are facing manslaughter charges after the joke went wrong in Seine-Saint-Denis, northern Paris. They were among a group of five people in an apartment. The 35-year-old victim fell into a deep sleep and they were able to draw on his face ‘for laughs’. But when two other men at the flat left, they became irritated by his snoring. A judicial source told AFP: ‘They decided to take him outside into the courtyard of the building.’ That’s where his body was found the next day, Sunday Morning, after temperatures fell to 3°C. The two men who were arrested, aged 28 and 35, said that they took his clothes off to prevent him from driving home drunk. A judicial source told AFP: ‘The victim, who had drunk more than the others, suddenly fell into a deep and unconscious sleep.’ Ah, the drunken thought process strikes again. The intoxicated human brain is one of - if not thee - the biggest mystery known to man. It's somehow capable of considering all factors while simultaneously ignoring the blatantly obvious. These dudes that cost their buddy his life by throwing him outside naked due to his snoring are undoubtedly shitty friends, but it's pretty clear that they put some liquor-infused thought into this idea before they put it into action. I think I would have thrown some headphones in, sucked it up for the night, and mercilessly mocked his involuntary sleeping patterns in front of mutual friends until the end of time, but I say that as someone who is currently sober. Maybe after a few dozen beers and a couple shots of peer pressure I would have thought the best way to get myself a good night's rest while also making sure everyone remained DUI-free would be to strip off that congested son of a bitch's clothes and tossing him in an enclosed courtyard until morning. In theory it sounds like a win-win until you realize that it was damn near below freezing outside. Oh well, I'm sure they had good intentions. Forgetting that it was 30-something degrees during the middle of winter seems a bit inexcusable, but if you can't blame a momentary laspe in judgement on the alcohol then why does everyone enjoy drinking so much? Klay Thompson And The Warriors Were Unbelievable, But The Pacers Flat Out Embarrassed Themselves12/6/2016
I don't want to discredit the Warriors. Actually, fuck that. I really do want to discredit the Warriors because I find them to be insufferably thin-skinned, but I can't - in good faith - discredit the Warriors. The performance that they put on was too surreal to be downplayed. Even for someone - like myself - that wishes them nothing but the worst, I couldn't help but be intrigued every time Klay Thompson pulled up for yet another flawless 3 and sent his bench into hysterics. The hail mary turned mid-air lateral turned alley-oop was a play that you can't help but appreciate as a sports fan. I almost couldn't even hate them for completely erasing the line between cocky and absolutely obnoxious because I probably would have done the same thing if my teammate was in the midst of putting up 40 points in a single half. That said, I wasn't playing against them. It was easy for me to enjoy watching a Globethrottling for the ages because it wasn't coming at my expense. Steph Curry wasn't acting as if he was dancing to the 'Kangaroo Song' right in my face as I went down 20. The Warriors bench didn't start a mid-game celebratory mosh pit in the corner of the court while they were kicking my ass. Kevin Durant wasn't posing for pictures while someone else's shot was in the air instead of taking me seriously. I can assure you if I was having my pride stomped through the hardwood then I most certainly would have used the retaliatory flagrant at my disposal to try to peel my dignity back up off the mat. I'm not saying the Pacers should have turned a one-sided NBA matchup into beer league hockey game, but showing a little bit of fight in response to a team going out of their way to humiliate them would have been worthy of at least a shred of respect. Throw a little elbow. Put somebody on their back. Borrow Draymond's "involuntary" leg tick. Do anything but non-chalantly stand around and have your ass pillaged on national television. I mean, the Pacers looked so weak and vulnerable in the second half that Zaza Pachulia felt comfortable throwing behind the back passes. I saw JaVale McGee's handicapable ass attempt to dunk over the entirety of Indiana's roster no less than 4 times and I didn't even watch the whole game. It wasn't just the final box score that was an utter embarrassment, it was the Pacers tucking their tail between their legs as their opponent only took breaks from bullying them to mock mock them to their face. The Warriors gave you more than a glimpse into how good they can be when they are firing on all cylinders, but I'll be damned if their best rendition of an 'And 1 Mixtape' wasn't aided by the Pacers being so submissive that they should have had a ball-gag in each and every one of their mouthes. |
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